Boys and Sticks?

Alright first I just want to say that it's so nice to be able to empty my mind to you agian.

Anyway, it seems to me that as of late I've been "beating boys off of me with sticks." It seems that sense I've been home from the Army guys have found me more attractive. I can understand why. I have lost 39 pounds, I look healthier and I feel great. Plus I'm dressing myself better. I don't know I guess I'm just not used to guys trying to get my attention. I'm always trying to get theres. A little make up, clothes that fit properly and straight hair and the guys seem to flock. I'm so not used to that. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm just trying to be cute and myself. Then I agian I guess that's what most guys want, a cute girl who's going to be herself. All I want is a good man, who will be a good boyfriend and will turn into a great husband and father. All I've ever wanted to be is a good girlfriend who will be a good wife and then mother. It seems to me that it's harder to find a good man then it should be. I've been cheated on and left for other women. I don't understand why, I'm not high maintence by any means. Pay a little attention to me, hold and kiss me now and then and I'm happy. I want my other half to be happy. Anyway I'm rambling, my mind has calmed a little, at least enough I hope to sleep for a while.

~Calmer~

Limbo

I've been home for a little over a week now. Well if you call hanging out and driving around being home. You know how that goes. Christmas has been good and to quick to come. No snow has made it kind of depressing. The only thing I truley wanted was snow.

In other news I feel so seperated from the rest of the world. I took a nap today and woke up feeling so seperated. One of my battle buddies is going to be in town and I can't see him because I have other things to do. *Flips out* I'm going to miss Bailey's wedding. I guess life will go on.

I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about anything just yet. I need to just keep myself busy and not worry about things to much. Much love and a Merry Christmas.

~Army Strong~

Army Strong

It's been a long couple of months. I've not only been through basic training at Ft. Jackson, SC but I'm now training at Ft. Bragg in PSYOP. I will graduate 13 December and be home 14 December. I love you all. I just wanted to drop you all a line!

Potato Salad

Did you ever get the feeling that no matter what you do, how you do it, or what anyone else says, it's just never going to be good enough? I just can't seem to shake that feeling today. I've been thinking a lot about society and how people are so socially unacceptable. Am I unacceptable? Do I fall into societies trap, and avoid people who are "different" from me? I've come to realize that I will never be the Lorax, because not everyone wants my help. In fact I'm not sure of one person who truly does. I've had a great couple of days, but I feel like in the end I was a complete and utter failure. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is what am I suppose to do? Am I suppose to be a great lawyer, or president, will I become a four star general? What is the reason for my existence? Sometimes I really feel like I have no existence, I have no purpose. I'm the puppet that people fall back on and depend on time after time. I know that sounds bad, but it isn't ment to. Sometimes I think that I'm ment just to help people out. That "the people" are my existence. I've had people tell me I can and people tell me I can't. In the last few days and I don't know what to believe. I need someone to tell me they believe in me and mean it. I want to know that they mean it. I want to feel it, to know that it's coming from somewhere that no one can make up. I want to feel loved, I want to be needed and cared for, because someone wants to not because they feel like they have to to impress me. I know I'm a bitch, but that's who I am. I know you can get more flies with sugar then you can vinegar, but vinegar at least keeps the morons away. Guys usually tell me that I'm intimidating. I don't know. I guess with ship out day slowly approaching I'm getting more and more nerved up. I'll sleep and see how I feel in the morning.

~Unsure of myself~

Rock Bottom

I have been kind of busy latley. Between friends, working out, and learning all the stuff I need to for the army I just hit rock bottom today. I need to make sure that I weigh what I did when I enlisted, be able to run a mile in 10:30, I have to know my general orders and how to march, reverse march, callem left and right. On top of all of it I only have a week and a half left at home. So I cried for awhile and then I made myself run a mile when the runner's high set in and I knew that as long as I keep my eye on the prize I can do it. I can do anything. I have to get through this, I want to prove everyone who told me I could never do this wrong, I want to be a soldier, if I wasn't ment to make it I wouldn't have.

******Remember**********

My party is July 2 at my house at 3 p.m. Food and pop will be served, bring games, music or whatever.
Hope to see you there.

~Pumped~

Alone In The Army

Alright, before you all start let me explain. I feel so seperated from everyone, no one else know's what it's like. And I know your all thinking your still a civilian, your still you. It's untrue though, I'm held to Army standards, I'm expected to conduct myself in a way that is appropriate for the Army. Now your all thinking that I did it to myself. I did it for the betterment of the many. People say that and it almost makes me feel like the Army is a dirty secrect that no one should know about. I'm proud, I'm serving my country, my state and my town. I guess I know that I need to start breaking off ties that I have here, I need to start distancing myself from people. It's all just a mind game.

~Sad~

Vacation

I got into the car and drove to Cincinatti for a couple of days. I was suppose to leave today but I was having tire difficulties. (You know how that goes.) Not to much has happened while I was here. We went to King's Island, hung out at the hotel, came back to the house, bummed around, went to a festival and flirted with a cute boy, (he was a firefighter!) came back to the house. I'm glad that we came and hung out and I'm sad to go, but I need to get home and finish up the last few things I need to do before I have to leave. I have to take Emily to Pittsburgh on Wednesday so she can fly to Georgia for two weeks. I've been studing so I can test out of some of this crap for the army. That's about all for now. I haven't been running like I should but I'll get back to it when I get home and I swear that on my life.

~Zausted~

Hydetown Fair and Relay for Life

So this week has been kind of hectic for me. (well the end of the week at least) Friday consisted of going to Hydetown and running around for most of the night, then I went out to Kim's house and played a really long game of Monopoly. I got home around 3 and crashed then Saturday I was suppose to in Hydetown by like 9:15, I got there at 10 to 10. To top it all off I stepped into a hole and tore my knee up. Then when I got to Relay I had a sun burn on my face and I didn't have any sun screen, let me just say that my face really hurts. But it's ok because it's all over and things can only get better. I'm going to see my sister tomorrow, I'll be back Friday. I'm not sure what else is going on but I leave in just a little over three weeks. So for all you kids remember July 2nd at 3 at my house. (*It's my going away party*)

~Zausted~

Going on

Nothing much has gone down. I will not get to see my sister until after I get back. I ran with my recruiter today, wow that was unimpressive. I forgot my gum and so I made a complete and total ass of myself. Oh well, something to work on. I have to go to the office next week and test out on some stuff. Not hard stuff I don't think. I think I might go take a nap, and then hit up the track again, then to band practice.

~Irritated~

Running

It's been a couple of days sense I have updated, so here you go. I've been running almost daily, twice daily, I should say. I've been eating a lot more fruits and veggies and trying to drink more water. I been spending more time at home. I mean I'm still hanging out with friends but with the impending day approching I want to spend as much time at home as I can. I don't know if I'll be spending the night anywhere but home until I get back, just because I don't feel comfortable anywhere else. I met with the recruiter yesterday and he's going to call tomorrow to make a time to go over things. And one of my other recruiters is going to call and go running with me sometime this week. I'm trying to get into shape, make my life easier.

~Tired~

Family Guy

It's been an interesting day, I went swimming which was a great time we made chicken and sausage over the fire and then we made Smores. It was Marsha, Matt, Sarah, Andy and me. My mom got her make over today and she babysat Caleb so we could all go swimming. I'm feeling some better today, I think tomorrow no matter what I'm going to run. Probably on the treadmill but there is nothing wrong with that. I need to get into shape, and fast. 5 weeks and then I'm gone. Wow that's a depressing thought. I need to meet with my recruiter here again soon, I'm not sure when though. I guess they'll call when they need me. I feel like I should run right now. Hmmmmmm.....maybe I should......Nah I will wait until tomorrow and see if I feel any better, though I am running tomorrow. :)

~Sleeping~

Picnic and a Cold

I went to Clarion to visit some friends. Kris told me that her family was having a picnic and she wanted me to go, so Dylan and I packed up into the car and we went, well around 7 I started to get stuffy and I couldn't stop caughing. So we left and I still don't feel any better. I've taken sinus pills and tylenol. You know I've never had allergies this bad. Hopefully things won't be this bad in South Carolina.

I counted it out today, 5 weeks and 2 days. I leave in 5 weeks and 2 days. It's kind of scary, what if I fail? What if I can't do it? I know I need to not think like that. I'm sure everything will be ok. Being gone for 5 months is a really scary thought. I don't want to be gone for that long, but I guess I have no choice.

I heard something amazing today, "It's like when you get a cut that get's infected and then it leaves a nasty scar that never goes away." It's so true. We all have our "scars." Things have happened to all of us that leave us bloodied and broken and sometimes with a couple of scars.

~Sick~

Relaxing

I decided that today I was just going to relax and lounge in my jammies. I've been so busy and caught up in getting into the Army and I spent so much time running around yesterday that I forgot to just sit back and relax. This is what I've been looking forward to sense I signed all the papers, reveling in the fact that I got in.

I slept in today, I've just been lounging and relaxing. I need to live one day at a time and love it all, because I'm going to be gone for five months. My body is starting to normalize again. I'm starting to feel better, I just need my muscles to relax. I'm going to start PT next week. (physical traning.) That's enough for now, I'm just going to chill now.

~Relaxing~

Shipping Out

Alright boys and girls, I went to MEPS today and I GOT IN!! I'm in the army, I'm in the military. HOW COOL IS THAT? My goal, my unattainable goal has been attained. How amazing is that? I'm so happy. I had to do the ARMS test and a lot of shit went down there, its a long story. My body is exhausted I have nothing left so I'm off to bed.

~EXCITED~

It's Not So Bad

I'm trying to keep my mind busy, trying to think of anything but MEPS and the Army. I reality that I could be leaving in July is starting to set in. July 7th, the day I ship out and the day my family leaves for vacation. I have to find someone to take me to the air port because no one can push the vacation back one day. Doesn't matter that I'd be leaving for the Army, doesn't matter that I won't be home for f ive months. Just matters that this vacation has been planned longer. That really bothers me that everyone is more concerned with a stupid vacation, but I guess I know what is more important to people, I just want to say that it's people like me that give you the right to blow your own kids off. I'm excited but I'm really nervous. I want in, I want in so bad I can taste it. I haven't wanted anything this bad sense I got my license. Please just cross your fingers for me, I know it will work out the way it's suppose to.

~Nervous but Hopeful~

Diploma, SS Card, Birth Certificate, and Transcripts

Well I need all these things for my recruiter. I don't know where my birth cert is and I lost my SS Card somewhere, I however have my diploma and can get my transcripts. I spent most of this morning trying to find out addresses for my siblings and birthdates as well.

Other then this it's been pretty uneventful. I hung out with Alexis last night and that was fun. I'm going shopping for new jean's tomorrow. Hurray I'm excited. I need new ones.

~Sore~

Push Ups

I went and did the arms test today, passed with flying colors. Just don't quit and you've got it made. I also have to do 3 push ups. SG Hughs made me drop and give him 3 and I did it. Not well but I did all three. I was pretty proud. He thinks that I'm going to pass with flying colors. I think I'm going to run tomorrow and work some more on my push ups. I want to make sure that everything is going to go well. This is really important to me. I hope that you all understand how much this means to me. I really do.

~ Sweepy~

An American Soldier

I went to talk to the recruiter again today, to talk about jobs and college credits to figure everything out basically. He looked at me and said are you ready for this and the paper work got started. I go to MEPS (Military Entrance Physical) on Tuesday, I leave for Pittsburgh on Monday but it's not until Tuesday. I find out then if I pass and can go on to basic's. If I pass and swear in I will go to basic's in July and I will be shipped out to Fort Jackson SC. After that I will be shipped off to Fort Bragg NC. I will have to miss a semester of school because I will just have to, it's the way my job would work. Don't worry, when I get back I'll resume school and take up the ROTC so they can't deploy me, not only that but I will graduate as an officer as well. I know that my friends are backing me up. I'm a little nervous, I don't know what to expect or what I'm going to have to do, but I will take one day at a time, I'll worry about tomorrow when it get's here. Everyone just keep me in mind and pray to whatever God you believe in, because I'm going to need all the help I can get. Sean told me to run and practice my push-up. Which I am going to do. I want this I want my name on that uniform and I want people to say that I did something with my life. My mom took it much better then I thought she would. She didn't yell, scream or cry. She just said do what you have to do. I think she's finally realized that I'm a big girl and I'm grown up.

~Exhausted~

Soldiers Creed

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally though, trained and proficient in my Warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am the guardian of the freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

~An Army of One?~

Army

Alright boys and girls I met with the Army recruiter again today. I want this and he thinks that I can do it, even with my back issues. I need to lose some weight and get into shape, here is the kicker I need to decide soon. Because I could be sent out for basic's in the next ten or fifteen days, a month at the latest. I need someone to talk to about this, someone who has real bearing in my life, someone who will give me an honest opnion. The money has gone up big bonus, I mean I could make sixteen hundred dollars in a weekend. The guy is coming back tomorrow and we are going to talk about jobs and stuff. I don't know how to bring it up to my mom. I really don't know. I need someone to talk to. If I do the ROTC program I will make more money, I will be undeployable, I will graduate an officer instead of just another private. I need to talk this out with someone who will be honest with me. I'm not sure who to talk to.

~Contemplative~

Nuk

I've been in Clarion the last couple of days and it was fun. I helped this girl move out of her dorm room and it was less then amazing by the time we were done. I stole one of her binkies, she sucks her thumb, and have adopted it as my own.

I'm starting to feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. I know I just have to wait for my time, but that day seems so far away. Eventually Mr. Right will walk into my life I will know it. *Tall, dark, handsome, misterious smile, shaggy hair, blue eyes* I feel better now that I have said that.

You know I found out the other day that my friend Philips name isn't Philip it's Josh. Well it's Joshua Philip. I guess boys that go to Edinboro are just silly. He's gone home for the summer so "Philip" if you see this have a good summer.

It's been a really long day and now I'm going to bed.

~Exhausted with my Nuk~

5-9-06

I just want to say wow. It's been an interesting day and I don't know how to describe it. I guess I'm just really tired and need to go to sleep. Hey Philip, it's not a bunny! I swear! :)

~Dead Tired~

Oh Kids

Oh kids if you only knew the half of it. Let's just say that one will never have amazing sex and barf at the same time, now you are all wondering why I either 1. Know this or 2. Mentioned it. Well let me explain a little......there once was a kid and well I think you all know where this story is going......or to quote Philip, do you? Ha ha ha ha :) I know I know, I'm cute.

On another note, I'm finding lot's of boys like me but are intimadated by me. And I really just don't understand it. I mean I know I'm smart and I like to fight with people and I guess I'm a "pretty girl" to quote Philip. :) There is a long story behind Philip and I don't care to go into all the details so don't ask and I won't tell. Well then you ask, why mention that either. Because I can and I did.

I'm sweepy, and hungry and I guess I need a shower, or so I'm told. You know I just realized that Philip is an ass. Well anyway to make a not so long story end. I'm done.

~Kiss Me I'm Shit Faced~ *wink wink*

Emergency Room

I had someone look at my car and it's nothing big. I was kind of worried because it has never squeeked before. I can usually decifer the problem myself but I was perplexed on this one. I spent the day at Kim's playing with the baby and listening to music. I made dinner, it was the least I could do to help. It wasn't anything hard just some speghitti. You know simple stuff......though I can cook! :) Anyway, It's been a productive day and it was so nice and warm. I'm so happy that it's nice outside, warm. No more cold, no more snow. I heard some songs that I really liked and Kim let me borrow the CD to rip them to my laptop so they are now saved! HURRAY! Anyway I should really get to bed. Nighty night

~Sweepy~

P.S.

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Out With Friends

I went out to my friend Kim's house today. It's really nice, a lot bigger then what I thought it would be, and so is Serra. I can't believe how big she is for 6 months. She's getting ready to crawl. She can move herself around. She's so cute. I can't wait to have my own. Anyway, that's about the most exciting thing that's happened all day. OH and my sister's chorus concert. It was really good. Well it was good except for the intermediate choir. They never do a very good job. Oh well. I guess. SWEEPY.

~Sleepy~

No, China.....

I had an amazing time at IUP. I made a bunch of new friends, ton's of calls and lots and lots of time spent laughing. It was great. Plus Myth Busters was awsome. It was just an amazing time. I got all the girls to sign my shirt, plus phone numbers and im names.

I haven't been sleeping to much over the last couple of days so I came home ate dinner and crashed. Prom is Friday so I'm trying to get all ready for that. I have my jewlery. My dress is almost done. Eh, that's all I got for now.....

~Radio~

AAA

I locked my keys in my car. How funny is that? Well I think it's really funny. Debbie and I sat on the trunk of my car. We named the tow truck guy Jim Towtrcmn. He was nice and took a picture. Yea, and I never want to have my blood pressure taken again.

~Silly~

Waffles

It has been an interesting day. I woke up and took my sister to school, came home and went back to sleep thinking that I would wake up around 10 or 11. I however did not wake up until I got a phone call at 2:15. I didn't realize that my body was that exhausted. Oh well, I'm taking a friend to Edinboro college tomorrow. I picked Josie up today and then went to my sister's. It was a good day all round. I need to get to sleep. Night night

~Dreaming~

Sad

Today was the last day of my freshmen year. I didn't think I'd be sad to see it go, but all my friends are heading back to there houses and towns and I guess the worst part is that some of them are going to other campus' next year. I know it's going to be ok, I just have to remember that most of them are coming back. I'm also rooming with Allie next semester.

On a positive note, it was my last day. I took my last finals and I feel so odd. I have nothing to do, no homework, no tests to study for, nothing to read.....sweet freedom. If anyone want's to hang out then I'm totally down with that. I'm going to see Debbie this Friday, I'm so glad that this Friday is almost here. I need some serious "twin" time. I need to get my jewlery for prom. Which is next friday. Wow things are happening so quickly. I'm kind of really excited though. :) It's going to be a lot of fun.

~Pumped~

Bad Thing?

I have been looking at this photograph listening to "Till We Reach The Circles End" wondering if it's a bad thing that we get toss about lost and broken. I think this photograph mean's something, in context with the music. Look at it, the ship is obviously being tossed about, maybe not so lost but defiantly broken. The lighthouse is standing strong, leading it away from danger. Aren't we all at the "mercy of the sea?" (The "sea
representing life) Don't we all wander, and get lost? But the "Lighthouse" is always there. It doesn't have to be a lighthouse, a bestfriend, or maybe a teddy bear. The fact is that they or it is always there when you need them. Right? I've been feeling rather tossed about lately. And my "lighthouse" has been standing strong for me. I think that everyone has something that keeps them going, if we didn't then wouldn't we all be dead? I've always thought of myself as a positive stand on the bright side of things kind of person. I mean I have my bad days and weeks, we all do. But for the most part you don't hear me complain about to much, or over worry about things. My maxim "things will work out, if not today then tomorrow, live one day at a time." I try to live my life by that. No matter how angry or "lost" I am. No matter how much I want something now. My mom says "don't be greedy." If it's ment to be it will work out. We all have some instinctual sense that keeps us forging ahead. No matter how stressful, no matter how much we hate it, no matter how much we don't want to let go. Life is ever evolving and we all just have to go with it. I think that's what this photograph is saying to me. That it can be bad but the sky will clear up and things can only get better.

~Contemplative~

When You Come Back

http://www.angelfire.com/ga/sweetgeorgiapeach/comeback.html

(Click Here to listen)

When You Come Back To Me Again

Garth Brooks

There's a ship out

On the ocean

At the mercy of the sea

It's been tossed about

Lost and broken

Wandering aimlessly

And God somehow

You know that ship is me

'Cause there's a lighthouse

In the harbour

Shining faithfully

Pouring its light out

Across the water

For this sinking soul to see

That someone out there

Still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

There's a moment

We all come to

In our own time and

Our own space

Where all that we've done

We can undo

If our heart's

In the right place

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

And again I see

My yesterday's in front of me

Unfolding like a mystery

You're changing all that is

And used to be

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

When you come

Back to me again

I heard this song a long time ago, and it just seems to fit.

~Wandering Aimlessly~

Antiques

My mom know's that I've been kind of in a rut latley, between school and boys and studying for finals I've been overly stressed out. ( I took my Afro-American History final today and let me just say that I think it went over extremely well!) Well anyway I went t0 my sister's band concert and then we went shopping at the Antique mall and we were looking through the cases and we ran across an antique clarinet, you know the metal kind that's all in one piece minus the mouth piece. It was only 76 dollars! Can you imagine? It needs some serious cleaning but other than that it appears to be in amazing condition. :) I also got a key board, from walmart, so I don't have to worry about always having the lap top right in front of me. Makes it nice. Anyway, I'm going to go clean my new play toy!

~Excited~

Alone In The World

Did you ever feel like you were alone in the world? My little sister is out with her friends tonight, I'm home, and not because I want to be. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel like I'm being abandoned all over again. All my friends from school are going home, my friends from high school are still at school and I'm single. Anyone of those things alone would be ok, but they all happened at once. I hung out with my sister and some of our friends yesterday, I usually don't hang out with her and our friends, it causes weirdness sometimes. Anyway one of them was like it's weird that your hanging out, but I guess it's ok. I want things to go back to the way they were. I'm stuck at home, not because I don't have a car, or a ride, but because there is no one to hang out with. I feel like I have no friends. I have guys who found out I was single and instantly started trying to get into my pants. *Shakes head* Why do people look at me as a sex object? Why does no one see my mind or my opnions? My goals? There is more to me. So once again I feel alone. I would like to lose this little storm cloud over my head, but I'm always so damn cheery and happy, I think for once in my life I should get to be miserable. I don't like that when it's quite the memories seep in. I cry myself to sleep every night. I want to hate people, I want to be so mad, I want to yell at them and scream and throw a fit, but that's not how adults act and I can't be mad. Because somewhere inside me I know it was right. *tear* I just feel like I have no control over anything in my own life. I want to be me again, I want to be happy, stress free, bouncy and excited about everything, high on life. Give me a week or two and I'll be up and running again.

I get to see my twin on Friday it's about the only thing left that I have to look forward to.

I don't want anyone to think that this was a "guilt" post, or that I'm looking for attention, I just needed to let it out and get it off my chest. I'm glad I have you guys for friends.

~Crying~

Kicked Down

Well the straw has broken the camels back. I really just need to surround myself with friends and live one day at a time. That's all the more I want to say.

~Broken~

I Gave Up, I'm Back Up

I remembered an assignment that I was suppose to do. Read The Lorax for my Environmental Sciences class. It's my favorite book, and for the most part I have the whole book memorized. It talks about taking care of the environment and what happens when you just do what is right for you. Without regard to anything else. I came across my favorite quote.

"I am the Lorax, I speak for the tree's, I speak for the tree's for the tree's have no tounges, and I'm asking you sir at the top of my lungs......what is that thing you've made out of my truffula tuft." I want to be that person, am I the only one who see's something beautiful in that? Standing up for what is right, no matter whether it's right or not. There are things I will fight about until I'm blue in the face. Like my mom says, "fight for what you believe right or not, don't back down." That's exactly what the Lorax does. "The Lorax said, 'sir! You are crazy with greed. There is no one on earth who would buy that fool Thneed'". He was wrong but he fought for what he knew was right. So to anyone of you who have "slapped" me around thank you. Keep me in line, and make me fight for what I believe.

~Hell Yea~

This is why she is my bestfriend

Let's just say that I quit. I failed my History of Jazz project and Idon't know why. I asked for help a friend helped me and I still failed. I am the worlds worst person. I can't help anyone, I can't doanything. I hate me, I hate it all.

~Done~

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you didn't do as well as you had hoped to on the project. But I must say, that this is very unlike you to give up. In all of the years that I have known you, i have never known you to be a quitter. You are however, not horrible, but quite wonderful. Unlike so many in this so called world, you have dreams and dare to think outside of the common thoughts. Most people would look at how your life has gone, and be blown away by what you have done. Sure, you haven't gone overseas to fight in a war, or been orphaned, or had to do anything so big as to put you into a school history book; but you have lived. I don't know of many who can lose a family member as young as you were, and still keep their chin up all the while. You've lost people and relationships, been without and still continued. Don't give up on yourself. Look at this as having lost yourself for the first time, and now you're looking for who you really are. If we never failed in life, how would we know when we had succeeded? You have helped people, even if you don't realize it. And that is certainly a success. You can hate the world, but don't hate yourself. I'm sure you have realized that my signature quote is Dum Spiro Spero; but do you know what it means? "While I breathe, I hope". Life throws you sometimes. You can't deny or avoid that fact. But you can lash back at it by never giving up on yourself. What can it do to you then? Try to knock you down once more? It will only make you stronger.

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Always,
Debbie

She's right, it could be worse. *picks self up, dusts off pants and put's up my fists, "round two"*

~Fighting~

*Throws in the towel*

Let's just say that I quit. I failed my History of Jazz project and I don't know why. I asked for help a friend helped me and I still failed. I am the worlds worst person. I can't help anyone, I can't do anything. I hate me, I hate it all.

~Done~

Who Want's Me?

I hung out with a couple of friends from school today. It was a good time. We talked about a bunch of stuff, and ate Mac and Cheese. Persilla looked at me and said you have a boyfriend? He must have been high when he met you, because I don't know anyone who would want you. And the insults started flying. Though when someone says something like that I think it makes everyone think. There is more to me, then just legs. Oh well, I'm not to worried about it.

My history of jazz project is coming along. I think I might change some songs because I'm having a really hard time finding stuff about them. It's due Tuesday, but I have a lot of it done, so I don't have to much to worry about.

~Sweep sweep~

30 Hours and an Empty Stomach

So while my group hasn't done the 30 hour famine, I have. This year was really hard for me. I'm not really sure why. I might have something to do with not drinking thick juices, they were really more water like then juice juice. Then again I did go to Canada and party. That was fun too. Anyway 4 hours left and I thought I might have to break the fast early because my stomach was turning hard but I made it through. I've eaten a little and have been resting.

Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to my History of Jazz project. I've been working on it but I'd like to finish it. Do my math. Be done. I'm so ready to just be done.

~Resting~

Dorm Life

So the fight has come to an end and an agreement has been made. I get to live in the dorms and not transfer. If I transfer I pay, I can't do that and go to Law school. So, I agree to live in the dorms. Which might I add I am completly happy with! :) I'M A DORM KID! I get to live with my ALLIE! We were talking about how we wanted to set up the room and how things could be. I'm so excited! :) I need to make a list of things I'm going to need for college life! Anyone have any idea's or advice? I'm so excited. I'm going to make ton's of friends, and get to hang out with the girls on the floor. WOW! SO PUMPED!

~FREEKING YEA~

Exhaustion

I'm sorry that it's been a while sense I've up dated. I've been really busy. Finals are coming up the week after next and I've been really pre-occupied. Getting homework done and getting more and more, is not helping. I've been working on my project, I'm not real close to being done but it's a start and I'm going to work on it when I get home.

I've been sleeping none and eating less. Last night was the first real night sleep I've gotten in a long time. I need more, I'll get to that later.

I've been in the mood for a really good thunderstorm. I mean I want it all. For the last two days we've gotten thunder, lightening and rain, but it hasn't been a really good storm. Two or three minutes of rain. Bring it on, I want hours. Oh well you can't have everything you want.

I've taken my stand with the book that we had to read for DF. I didn't like, I don't like the way it was presented, I don't like that the villians were suppose to be people you could trust. People who have taken a vow to serve and protect. How do you trust them? How do you trust anyone? You see them every day on the street and think nothing of it, but who are they really? Who are any of us really?

~Questions~

Wishing for storms

Today, has sucked. Tomorrow will suck. The day after will suck. So much work to do, so much stress on my shoulders. And it's not like I feel like I'm accomplishing anything, I just keep getting more and more to do. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I just barely passed a test that I spent 2 hours on. I tried hard and I failed. Recently I've been made to feel like a failure. Nothing is going to go my way, I might as well accept it.

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there." -- Edwin Louis Cole

So I guess now I just have to get out. But how?

~Giving up~

An Impass.....

Today started out well, not that it is ending un-well. It hit me today, that I have no control over my own life. My mom tells me what to do and yells at me like I'm a child. I feel like I have no stablity. Like I'm standing on a teeter-totter, and I can't balance it out. There are somethings you just don't want to hear, there are something you say that you can't take back, and there are something you do that you have to do, even if you don't want to. (I honestly don't have time to worry about these things, but I can't get them out of my head.) Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm hoping tomorrow will be much better. I feel so detatched from people, and I know that it's because I'm really stressed out about getting everything done. To take my own advice, I need to live one day at a time. Worry about tomorrow when it get's here.

I heard this today,
"For a kiss to be really good you want it to be with someone you really care about, so passionate and hot that you feel it everywhere, you can't rush that."

"I'll tell you what somebody told me once. 'You can't make anyone love you and you can't keep anyone from dying....'"

"Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there. Someone's saying a prayer. That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are. It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the night wind starts to sing its lonesome lullaby. It helps to think we'tre sleeping underneath the same big sky. Somewhere out there if love can see us through. Then we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there."

~Disconnected~

Never Good Enough

I hung out with a friend that I haven't seen in a while. It was all good until a couple of other people showed up. We went and played tennis. I'm not any good at tennis by any means, I'll admit that, and he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I was trying really hard, it's not like I was just screwing off and not trying. My opnion wasn't good enough. Anything I said was "stupid" or "ignorant." I can't play a video game, because I'm not good at them. I've never been good with failure. I'm good at everything, except for tennis, video games and a bunch of other stuff. I try, but trying doesn't seem to be good enough for most people. This is one of those days that started out great, but deterorated when he started treating me like I wasn't good enough. I guess his "brothers" still have his back. If I've learned anything from college it's don't try to impress people be you and they will accept you or they won't.

I had so much fun with the guys last night. We shot a paintball gun. I totally sucked hard core, but Tylere was supportive and was totally like I just want you to do it once. Well long story short I didn't, but Brad left his wallet in my car so I took it to them and he handed me the gun and told me to hit the target, guess what? First shot. That's right I hit the bottle on the first shot. Tell me why I couldn't do that last night? No idea. I've been having a lot of political conversation's latley. I feel like I'm falling back into it again. I remember why it's my minor. :)

I need more sleep. I really do, I crashed around midnight every night this week and got up at 9. And then yesterday I crashed at 3:30 a.m. and got up at 11:30 a.m. I really need to sleep in tomorrow. I have to do my take home test finish up Kiss The Girls and my math. I however feel that sleeping is my #1 priority right now because I'm starting to feel it physically. 2 weeks. I'm so glad that we are down to 2 weeks.

~Mentally and Physically Exhausted~

Grades

Alright so today started out really crappy. I got yelled at for having an intelligent conversation, almost was late for class. I got back a test that I thought that I failed. I saw the grade and accepted it. It wasn't until I saw the comment that she said I should be proud that I thought something funny was going on. Aparently I should have gotten like a B on it. So HURRAY! I'm so happy. The day was picking up. Chris called and he's been having a ruff time with all the work and not having a job lined up. He got an e-mail and he has an interview. I'm so proud of him. :) I talked to him and I instantly smiled it made the whole day amazing. You ever get that feeling? That just talking to someone makes you so excited? There hasn't been a day that he hasn't done that to me. I'm going out with some friends tonight. Totally pumped! Totally pumped!

~Thrilled and Amazed~

The Right Regrets?

I read one of my friends journals last night and she brought up an interesting point, "who is on the other side of the rope? Destiny? God? Society? Yourself? " Let's think about this shall we. I guess it really goes back to what do you believe? What do you want to believe what do you think is right for you? She called me on it, I'm harder on myself then anyone else is on me. Why is that? Because if I'm not hard on me who will be? If I don't push myself to get it done who will do it? Not that I've been pushing very hard latley. I need to stop putting things off and start getting them done. I need to stop acting like a high school senior and start acting like the under-dog that I am. I'm a freshmen. Not a senior. I need to get back into doing what I was doing before. I need to break this half hearted bull-shit. I can do so much better. Look at my transcripts. I need to act like I'm intelligent instead of babbling and rambling. I'm smart, I just need to apply myself MORE. "All we can hope to do is end up with the right regrets." Right now I'm regretting not trying harder, not putting more effort in. *smacks self* How to remotivate myself? It's the end of the semester and that's not helping. I just want it to be over, I need a break I need out.

~Headach~

Out of body.....

I haven't felt like me today. Something didn't click over when I rolled out of bed. I wish I could explain to people how I feel sometimes. No, I wish people could walk in my shoes and see why I am how I am, and why I do what I do. How can I be who I am at my age? I believe the things I do, I stand behind that. I won't change me to please you. The question "Am I good enough?" has always plagued me. I never seemed to be enough for my parents. Though my mom says that she "expects more from me." How is that far. Talk about unwanted stress.

I have a paper that's due tomorrow for my history of jazz class. Hurray and yea for exciting. Not, I will finish it tonight. The big plan. I'm going to start the final for that class tomorrow I think. I need to rip the music and then make the notes. I can pull it off if I start tomorrow.

I turned in my 40 and 20% projects in again for an improved grade today. Well I hope for an improved grade.

~"Today I'm Fine Without You"~

New York License Plates

I've noticed a lot of New York license plates around here lately. I know, all of you from home are thinking no biggie they were always there, but there are so many more now then then. Instead of one or two and seeing them once in a while I see 5 or 6 daily. And that's different cars. Not always the same one. On my drive to PT this morning I had an epiphany, if you know me you know I'm a big believer in signs. Sky-Blue pink and butterflies, long stories, but there is more to it then most people want to think. (To me at least) Anyway back to my epiphany, I passed 2 plates on my way into town and was following one, and that's when I started to wonder, is this my dad's way of telling me he's ok with this? I think it's my dad's way of checking in on me and telling me that he approves. Which is really important to me.

I'm reading this book for my detective fiction class, Kiss The Girls. It's really creepy. It makes me want to look over my shoulder and see who's watching me. Just another reminder that I'm vulnerable to any man's wants.

THEY FIXED ME IN PT! My hip slips out of place and catches on the muscles. So they showed me how to show people to tell me if it's out and then she showed me how to fix it! :) It felt so good. So I have to teach people how to see if I'm out but it's not hard. My back feels so good right now.

I'm going to miss a phone call because my sister is on the phone, not that she hasn't been home all day long. Doesn't matter that I'm waiting. Nope because she's on the phone.

~Irked~

The Flu....A Blessing or a Curse?

Well my sister has just informed me that she's been spelling it flue instead of flu. And she's been breathing on me all freeking day. And I just spit on her. I feel slightly better today. My mom called me a hypocondriac and threatened to throw all the tylenol away because I took "to much."

I got about 4 hours of sleep and didn't want to get out of bed, but I begrudgening draged myself out of bed and went to school. I tanned for about 2 hours. I look so tan, I'm amazed that I've tanned this fast. Erin and I are going to tan, on her roof. I've been having a lot of amazing days latley. Though I don't think I've been telling the one person how much I appricate him. So I think I'm going to do that. :)

~Much Love~

So much pain

Yes the little clock at the bottom says it's 4:11 a.m. I'm well aware of that, but my body hurts so bad and I feel like I need to throw up so badly that I cannot sleep. Here is the catch 22 if I don't go to sleep I'm going to throw up and if I do I'm going to throw up. At this point I just want to sleep so the pain stops. I'm sick of cramming tylenol down my throat. My eyes hurt from all the crying. I just can't win. I can't get comfortable, my back is killing me. Nothing makes it better. I don't want to keep taking tylenol, but I can't deal with all the pain. It's not like someone's pinching me and I'm just being a sissy. I feel like I'm being stabbed by my own body. I need someone to rub my stomach, I'm not a dog and don't make me sound like one, because it would help. But I don't have anyone who is awake at this time of day. So I guess I'll just keep crying until the tylenol kicks in or until my body gives out. One or the other......

~No Words~

The Lorax

Last night I read my favorite book in the whole world. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss. I know and now your all thinking how childish. Well it's like Alice in Wonderland. There is a secret meaning. I love this book, it shows how society has gone to hell. Let's think about this: you see what you want, you take it and don't replace it and then it's gone. Reminds me of the rainforest. We had the cure for Aids type 2. And now it's gone because we distroyed it, but will the government tell you that? NO! You distory whatever is in your way. The Oncler wanted the tree's even though he distroyed the food for the Bar-ba-loot's and the humming-fish, and the swomee-swans. It didn't matter. But the Lorax he stood up to the "government" also known as the oncler, for what he believed. I want to be like the Lorax, I want to be able to stand up to anyone. Whether I'm right or wrong, for what I believe is right. "I am the Lorax. I speak for the tree's for the tree's have no tounges. And I'm asking you sir, at the top of my lungs"-"What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?" To many people out there "don't have tounges" and no one will stand up for them. They need a champion more then you or I. I sit comfortably I have some money, a car, a house, food. What about the poor. It's not that they don't want a job, but it's a vicious cycle of poverty. And it's not easy to get out. Where would women be without a women's right activists? Or blacks without Martin Luther King? Everyone needs a someone to be there champion, until they can stand on there own two feet. Where do I fall into all of this?

~Contemplative~

10:31 or 11:31?

It's time to set your clocks ahead an hour! I did bowl for kidsake today, it was so much fun! The high school beat the middle school youth. :) Anyway, my mom wanted to go to wal-mart so I went with her and got a new cd. I was starting to get sick of my music, all 13 hours of it. So I got the "All American Rejects" cd. It's amazing! I love it.

Tomorrow I have to finish reading "One For The Money" but I'm almost done. :) My back is killing me today. Would someone please tell me when Wal-Mart started selling memorial flowers? I think that's wrong. I mean while it might make it convient if you just so happened to forget your memorial flowers on your way to a memorial, but for kids like me who have lost a parent, I don't want to see a memorial wreath with dad in it. That really offends me. I mean I know it shouldn't, but then again I shouldn't have to not look at the isle because it cut's me. *Done ranting*

I need to put away my laundry.

~All American Rejects~

Fool

Today started out with a curse and a mad rush to make it to school on time. (I woke up at 9:36, I leave at 9:30.) I made it to school got my work done and waited for classes to be over so I could sit outside, instead of in. I layed out on the court yard lawn and read my book. I was so nice. I then came home and put on my bikini and called Chris. We talked for awhile and then I went swimming with some friends and then hung out at Tylere's and watched "Saw 2." GOOD MOVIE! I have bowl for kid sake tomorrow.

Happy April Fools day.

Seeing as I'm useless, I'm going to bed, nigh night, much love to you all!

~Exhausted~

A Hair Cut and a Tire Rotation

Basically I feel like someone thinks I'm a liar. I'm a good liar. I don't hide that from people, why should I? Though I think it makes people think that I'm lying all the time. I can be a greedy person, who wants what I want just because I want it. But I can also see your side of it, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to. While I might not like it, I can deal with it. I've had some hard things happen to me in my life. So, while I like long hair, worse things could happen. I want to be believed. Hair means nothing if you don't trust me.

I had a flat tire the other day so today I put on the spare and drove to Cranberry and got new tires. I was so proud of myself. I got all dirty, my hands were black and greesy. I had it all over my face and pants. But I am so proud of myself. :)

~Hurt but Prideful~

Someone else's post.....

I don't believe that abortion is right at all. No one will ever convince me that it is ok to murder someone who can't help themselves. I understand that everyone jumps to say that it should be ok when a women is raped, but what did that baby do to deserve to be killed? I am 19, I've never been pregnant, but if it happened to me, I'd fess up to it. It's my child how could I kill a part of me? What if my child was the next Einstein, or was suppose to find the cure for cancer? I won't take that risk, even as a college freshmen. There are to many women out there who want kids who can't have them.....why would I want to take that opportunity away from someone else?

~Rant~

Happy girl.....

So yesterday was excessivly long. I got up at 7 took my sister to school, came home took a shower, did some homework, went to class, got help with my math, went to some more class. Then I went home had some dinner, then off to PT and then home to do my take home test. (More trouble then it was worth.) I was suppose to have 2 tests yesterday, I totally forgot about the science one until Sunday night, PANIC! I go into science brain literally crammed with info, only for the professor to tell us that his computer "ate" the test so we now have a take home and it's due tomorrow at noon! *Hit's knee's and kiss' floor!* Anyway I went to bed at like 10:30 last night and just passed out. I literally slept where my body fell. I had such an amazing day yesterday. I smiled all day long and nothing was going to get me down!

I just got out of PT, and I'm in the computer lab now trying to get onto the teachers thing so I can post for class, but it's not letting me. Stupid kids.....waiting till the last minute..... :) just kidding.

2 months.......if your anyone you know what that means!

~Smiling~

Survey

Body:
Who was the last person that...

1. You hung out with: Liz
2. Saw you cry: I don't honeslty know
3. Went to the movies with you? I don't remember
4. You went to the mall with? My mommy
5. You went to dinner with? Liz
6. You talked on the phone to? Christopher
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? I hope anyone who says it means it.
8. Made you laugh? My sister

Would you rather:

1. pierce your tongue or nose or belly button? Belly Button
2. Be serious or be funny? Both
3. Drink whole or skim milk? How about 1%?
4. Die in a fire or drown? Drown
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Going to go with the rent's

Do you prefer:

1. Flowers or candy? Flowers
2. Gray or black? Gray
3. Color or Black and white photos? Black and White
4. Lust or love? Love
5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset
6. M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles
7. Staying up late or waking up early? Stay up late
8. Sun or moon? Sun
9. Winter or Fall? Fall
10. Acquaintances or having two best friends? 2 Best Friends
11. Sunny or rainy? Sunny
12. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? Chocolate

Misc:

1. What time is it? 10:16 pm
2. First and middle Name? Susan Theresa
3. Nickname(s): Suz, Suzy (those who like to piss me off call me Sue or Suzy-Q)
4. What is your birth date? 9/3/86
5. What do you want to do right now? Cuddle
6. Where do you want to live? Any where
7. How many kids do you want? As many as I have
8. Do you want to get married? Yes!

Unique:

1. Nervous habit(s): Making the fish face, pacing, chewing my nails, playing with my hair
2. Are you double jointed? No
3. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow? Yes
5. Can you cross your eyes? Yes
6. Do you make your bed daily? Usually

Random:

1. Which shoe goes on first? The right
2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes, only because my mom made me
5. Favorite ice cream: Cookies and Cream
6. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? 3
7. What's your favorite beverage? Anything that's not red or orange
8. Do you cook? Sometimes

In the last month have you...

1. Had a b/f or g/f?: Yes
2. Bought something: Yes
4. Sang: If you call it singing
5. Been hugged: Yes
6. Felt stupid: Yep
9. Danced crazy: Yes
10. Gotten your hair cut: My sister trimmed it
11. Cried: Yes
12. Lied: I'm a pre-major what do you think?

~So me~

Kitty Cat's and Lady Bugs

So for most of today, I've been watching Precious chase the lady bugs and it made me miss running through a field of flowers. I wish this cold weather would go away so the flowers could bloom and the birds could sing. It would be so nice, though that means the seasonal allergies start again. It's a vicious cycle. :)

Wow.......I can't stand hipicrits. Don't do this and don't do that but they turn around and do it themselves. My mom called me A mother F*****ing bitch, so I called her a half wit and she yelled at me. Tell me what about that makes sense? Nothing. She misplaces her car keys, so when I misplaces something she tells me if you put it where it belonged you'd have it. So I did the same to her and she told me to stop being a smart ass. Some people.

I talked to Chris today, made my whole day. :)

~Sleepy~

Optomistic....

I'm not feeling 100% like me, but I'm about a 97 or 98. I can't act like it never happened. I think I would think that there would be something wrong with me, if it didn't get to me every now and then. You know what I mean? I just don't know how to be ok that I got lied to, that I was given false hopes and promises. I went to the cemetary and talked, which is what I think I needed to do, and should have just done yesterday. I screamed and threw my fit and complained about how unfair it is, and I feel so much better now. I'm sick and tired of trying to be the perfect child. I kill myself to get the grades, friends, I'm sick of feeling like I have to walk around with this face and pretend that nothings wrong when all I want to do is cry. I've never been one to just dump my problems on anyone. I will talk, I will listen, I will advise you on things, but I don't want to dump what's on me on you. It seems that everyone has enough of their own problems that listening to me complain about how unfair it is, itsn't fair to them. I'm just being greedy. But it's like I said I feel remarkably better today. I just needed to clean it out and put a new bandaid on it.

I fixed my project for Afro-American history and my bib. I need another first source and then I can turn that back in. I have some math to do that I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I'm not good at word problems at all. This could kill me. And some quizes to send in.

Math just made me a downer. So I'm done with it for now. Maybe someone could help me?

~Positive~

Love?

"Love is patient and kind;

love is not jealous or boastful;

it is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist upon its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrong,

but rejoices at right.

Love bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things."

~ I Cor. 13: 4-8

I have this poster hanging in my room "What is love?" Sometimes when I'm down or I'm frustrated, things are just annoying me I read it and it seems I always find one that I never saw before. This just happened to be it. It's been a very trying day. Now that the tears have subsided, I was so frustrated that I couldn't talk to him. I was so annoyed. It's human nature to falter. (I know I'm not the worlds most religious person, BY ANY MEANS) But I mean come on it's a given. I find myself, in times like these looking to one person, sometimes it's Debbie, sometimes it Jen, sometimes my mom or sister, sometimes my boyfriend. Then I started to think that you don't really have to "love" the person. (Though I find I love everyone, it just depends on my scale where you rank.) I feel like I've been very, jealous and rude. I strive to be patient and understanding. This week, I've focused mostly on me. What I needed and what I needed to do to get through and I still broke apart. (I'm not broken, I just lost a foot hold.) I miss my dad so badly sometimes, that I just have to cry and throw a fit. Then I remember what my mom always told me, "Susan, your just being greedy." She's right. No one should suffer for me, or what I want. "believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I have to believe that what happened, happened for a reason, that I may not know yet, but a reason no less. I have to hope that something good will come of it. And I will have to endure the pain and void it has created for the rest of my life, but we all have our own holes we have to try and patch. Sometimes you have to put a new bandaid on it, after you clean it out, but it will help with the pain. "Wearing a face she in a jar by the door." We all have to wear a "face". We can't wear all our problems on our sleeves. Some just wear their "face" better then others.

~Wearing a face~

Annoying......

Did you ever know someone who just drove you right up the wall? They only talk about them or they just go on and on. I guess some elementary school kids are good examples of this. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm so annoying. I've been feeling tension between people and I couldn't figure out why. Could it be because I'm annoying? Yes, it very well could be. It's been a week of self-realization. Weeks like this I need someone to talk at, instead of to. I find myself talking a lot to myself. Not because people don't want to talk or listen, and if they don't they haven't said anything to me, but because I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I wish I could just throw back a couple of 6-packs and call it a day, but I can't. I was sitting in Dective Fiction today and we finished talking about an author, who's mother, died a slow agonizing death because of cancer. And I instantly flashed back to the summer before my junior year. And it reminded me that my dad wasn't here to see me graduate, or to start college, buy my first car or to as much as it would annoy me, hassle boys. Usually it doesn't get to me. I can smile and walk away from it, but not today. Why does this happen to me? I tried so hard, he was getting better, it was starting to look good. And then the rug got pulled out from under my feet.

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I just want to be held. I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat, I don't want anything but to have someone just hold me while I cry. I feel so alone.

~Silently sobbing~

Physical Therapy

Today was my first day of PT. I got bend and twisted in all kinds of directions. So basically what it comes down to is that my left ham string is tighter then the right which makes my right glute tighter then the left. Meaning that some of my muscles are stronger then others so the stronger ones are pulling on the weaker ones. Yea it's so pleasent. I guess I'm going to do some electro shock therapy, exercises on a ball, cold packs, stretching and a couple of other things that may or may not happen. He seems nice enough. He know's my Grandma, and he likes her so I think he's cool. It was not so cool when he took his thumbs and like ground them into my muscles, then he asks does that hurt? WHAT DO YOU THINK? It's ok though. He just want's to make me better. I go for my first accual therapy session Monday at 6. I don't know how long this is going to take, but I gotta do what is going to make me better. You know?

It's been one of those lazy days. I just wanted to nap all day long. No idea why. So here I sit in my jeans, sweatshirt and earphones. I find myself listening to a lot of music latley. 3 Doors Down, Switchfoot, The Killer's, Kelly Clarkson, Hoobastank. I don't know why but the lyrics seem to talk to me more now then before.

It was one of those days that your hair does exactly what you want it to, your clothes look great and you have a skinny day. :) I love when things collide on the same day. :) I'm back into my not eating. I will eat and eat and eat for a week and then out of nowhere I just don't want to anymore. I hate this stupid battle. Oh well, it could be worse.

Going Down In Flames

3 Doors Down

Don’t tell me what to think

Cause I don’t care this time

Don’t tell me what to believe

Cause you won’t be there

To catch me when I fall

But you’ll hate me when I’m not here at all

Miss me when I’m gone again, yeah

Don’t tell me how life is

Cause I don’t really want to know

Don’t tell me how this game ends

Cause we’ll just see how it goes

Catch me when I fall

Or you’ll need me when I’m not here at all

Miss me when I’m gone again, yeah

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again, yeah

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again, yeah

Now, I’m all the way down here

I’m falling

I’m all the way down here

I’m falling down again

I’m falling down

I’m falling down

I’m falling down

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again,

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again

Now, I’m all the way down here

I’m falling

All the way

All the way down hereI’m falling down again now

I’m falling down

~Climbing Up~

Forever With You

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but
I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Hey, look at us
Man, this doesn't need to be the end
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same (Ever the same)

I have heard this song I don't know how many times on the radio. Well accually I was starting to get annoyed with it, until this week. I told you all earlier that this weekend was one of reflection. This song sums it all up. Honestly. "Just let me hold you while your falling apart." Exactly what I needed someone to do, I needed someone to let me fall apart. I needed someone to let me fall apart. "Just like a someone broken." Yep that was me, I was broken. "You may need me there to carry all your weight." Yep, I needed someone to hold on to me until I could stand up again. I don't think I've given him enough credit. Why anyone would want to pick up someone else's pieces. I feel like I've been so awful to him, I shut myself off, and he still persisted. He can put a smile on my face without trying. He makes me feel special. And I haven't done anything. Part of me wants to say this is why Ken and I ended, but I know it's not the reason, I tried to hard for that to have been it. Even though I've put him through hell, he's still standing next to me. I've never had that. No one has ever defended me, stood up for me, or stood by me. I feel like I've been fighting the world and losing. I feel like I can conqure anything now. I have never been able to just relax and feel safe, in all terms of the word, and I do now. He's been my rock, and my strength. He stood me back up when no one else wanted to, he picked up my pieces and put me back together. *How did I get that lucky?*

~Standing~

In Awe....

"THE TEST OF OUR PROGRESS IS NOT WHETHER WE ADD MORE TO THE ABUNDANCE OF THOSE WHO HAVE MUCH, IT IS WHETHER WE PROVIDE ENOUGH FOR THOSE WHO HAVE TO LITTLE." -Franklin D. Roosevelt.

A lot of things have become clear to me. I need to open my eyes to what is going on around me and become blind to things that have happened in the past. It's amazing how two hours of silence will make you think about things. I have had my up's and down's. But who hasn't? "I want more then just ok."-Switchfoot. When I look at all the things that have happened over the last 5 years, it's hard to not just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Falling in-love, my dad got sick, his death, marching band, senior year, graduation, starting college, breaking up, starting a new relationship. I feel like I'm learning to be me again.

~Contemplative~

Something I read.....

"It is your power to torment the God-cursed slaveholders, that they would be glad to let you go free....But you are a patient people. You act as though you were made for the special use of these devils. You act as though your daughters were born to pamper the lusts of your masters and overseers. And worse that all, you tamely submit, while your lords tear your wives from your embraces, and defile them before your eyes. In the name of God we ask, are you men?....Heaven, as with a voice of thunder, calls on you to arise from the dust. Let your motto be RESISTANCE! RESISTANCE! RESISTANCE! No oppressed people have ever secured their Liberty without resistance." -Henry Highland Garnet, "Address to the Slaves of the United States of America."

You can't tell me that that doesn't move you. Even then women felt helpless. I don't know why I've been on this kick latley. I guess it all goes back to, I'm not a big person. I'm pretty much at the whim of someone else. While that's not a bad thing, if I'm joking around with the person, but the minute it becomes something more what am I suppose to do? I didn't realize how weak I was. It's a scary thought. Does it make me stronger that I recoginze this? Does it make me stronger that I always keep my guard up? (When I'm around people I don't know, or when I'm around big people who I don't know.) I'm not sure that it does. I don't know. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on someone to take care of me. I was raised to believe that I can take care of myself, but latley I'm feeling like I can't. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. At least I'm not living in a fake world where nothing bad can happen to me anymore. That's not how the world really works. If someone who is bigger then me wants to hurt me they will. At least I can recognize who to stay away from. See that leads to my bigger point, is that a good idea? To stay away from people? To cut myself off from people, just because they are bigger then me? My sister is 6'1'', my dad 6'2'' my brother the same. I've been surrounded by big people my entire life, so why do they scare me? I always said that I would never let myself get anywhere near someone who was bigger then me unless they were related. Look at me now.....Chris is 6'5''. Why is it that I'm afraid of big people? People with power? Dr. Atteberry made a good point the other day in class when we were talking about the differences between men and women. We are wired differently. Let's think about this,

Men like:
Power
Strength
Money

Why do they like these things?
Power- come on what man doesn't want to feel like he has complete control over every situation. Weather his girl is involved or not. No man wants to feel threatened.
Strength- the same. No man wants to be looked at as weak. He want's to show off for her, and
make her feel like she's safe with him.
Money- most guys think that buying us lots of presents will buy our affection. So of course money is always nice to have on hand. (Here is a hint, most of us don't care about money, or what it can buy)

I could generalize women, but what would be the point? (and this is my journal.) I guess we both worry about things. I'm going to have to put more time into this thought.

~Unaffected~

For you

Dirty Little Secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

The way she feels inside
(inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny
(deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie
(won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It’s eating me apart
Trace this line back

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Who has to know
Who has to know

Save a Horse

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

(Chorus:)
Cause I saddle up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

Well I don't give a dang about nothing
I'm singing and Bling- Blanging
While the girls are drinking
Long necks down!
And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy
Or my Chevrolet for your Escalade
Or your freak parade
I'm the only John Wayne left in this town

And I saddle up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

(Spoken:)
I'm a thourough-bred
That's what she said
In the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We where flying high
Fining, whine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation
Of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for salvation
All night long
So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of
And we made love

And I saddled up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

What? What?
Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy
Everybody says
Save a Horse Ride a cowboy.

~Yea~

Ahhhhhh......

It was SO nice to see him again. I haven't been more excited in a long time. I haven't been so calm and collected.

It's been a weekend of self-realization. I wish that I could explain to all of you, just how exactly calm I feel. I guess the best way to describe it is.....I'm free.

~Relaxed~

Long Time Coming

I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH!

~Enough said~

Back Spasms

I met up with a friend that I haven't seen for such a long time tonight. We went and got coffee and french fries and talked for like 5 hours. It was so much fun. Except now I have to pee like every 2 hours. Oh well.

I have been having really bad spasms latley. I'm not sure what is going on. I can feel it tense up and then it lets go and then all of a sudden it's 100 time worse. Short of taking tylenol and wearing a brace there is nothing I can do to make it stop. I can feel the disks slipping sometimes. And that in itself makes me want to die.

T-minus 12 hours and 17 minutes! HURRAY! So freekin pumped. I miss him so much.

I should really try and sleep off these spasms. Peace and love to you all. Oh and I hope you all didn't drink to much green beer.

Something to ponder......*If you drink green beer....is it still green when you throw it up?*

~Pain~

More Quizes

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		9
Quality Time:		7
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

~Hurray~

An interesting day

So today has been one of those days that just makes you laugh your ass off. :) I went to the gym with Debbie, and she worked out while I screwed off. :) I then proceeded to go to class. After class a couple of friends and I stood out in the middle of the road and talked and listened to music. I then walked my friend back in for her test and my two friends in that class convinced me to stay and take the test. Which was hilarious. What makes it even more funny is that the teacher know's me. So I filled in all the blanks and kept the test, it was so much fun! :) I then took Ashley to Wal-Mart and picked up my sister came home and Ashley and I hung out for a while, I went down to my Grandma's house cleaned a little, came home and started working on my project. I need one more first source and I'm done with that part. HURRAY! I just need to figure out what to say during my presentation. Saturday is just one day away! THANK YOU! I'm getting so excited. Watch me forget his present. I'd do it. Come on kids this is me! :) I'm totally excited!

~PUMPED~

Talking

I went to one of my friends house today, I haven't seen her sense Christmas break, she goes to Clarion. So anyway we all just kind of sat around and talked. It was nice to go back to the "good old days." We played a bunch of pool and ate Chinese.

I have a project that I have been putting off. I'm going to get it done tomorrow. I promise. It's not hard it's acually really easy. I have 6 books in my car and I'm going to use some web sites.

Saturday, is 1 day away. :)

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.

I'll shine up the old brown shoes,
put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

Feelin' all alone without a friend,
you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.

Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.

Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.


~Exhausted~

In Love

I've been thinking a lot about what happened the other day. While I've move past it and it is no longer a huge deal to me, I still feel slightly helpless. I've always been very independent and self motivated. I have never felt like I needed a man to take care of me. But after what happened I feel like I can't take care of myself. Anyone who wanted to take advantage of me would probably have an amazing chance of doing it. And I think that is what scares me most. I read something in a book for one of my classes and it really it home, "What could be worse than making love to someone you didn't want to be with, caught up in a situation that dictated intimacy?" It makes something in me, being a woman, feel for all the women out there who aren't strong enough to walk away. Who feel like they deserve what they got. I was once one of them. I wasn't strong enough, I thought I was in love and that he would never hurt me. I felt that when he yelled at me I deserved it. And then my relationship ended and I saw the real world. I didn't deserve that. I deserved a whole hell of a lot more. I deserve a man, who will respect me, and treat me like a princess. Every women does. It's always been my fantasy that some man will just come and sweep me off my feet and make the world right and I'll live happily ever after. Isn't' that really all we want? To live happily ever after?

Today was surprise day! And let me tell you all I've never had so much fun in my life! I'll have to publish some pictures, but not until after Saturday. :) I'm usually so bad at keeping secrets, but I'm proud of myself, I've held in there! :) It was so good to see Debbie again, she even sat in on my class! :) So strange, almost felt like high school again. We then went to my doctors appointment, I guess I have some kind of something with my L5 S1 which is Greek to me, but everyone else I've talked to seemed to know what that ment. It doesn't appear to be causing me any problems. He thinks I was probably born with it. Anyway, he thinks that I would heal a whole lot faster if I did some PT so I'm going to do some PT. He didn't say how long, he just said that I need to find a place in Titusville and then call so he can send the recommendation. Here is hoping that this is going to help! :) I'm allowed to do whatever I want, unrestricted. So I guess I'll keep living my life and doing what I do and going to PT to fix this. I'll be ok.

This has been the worst week of my life. I really feel like one of my teachers against me. I'm not sure why. I'm staying positive. Nothing is going to break my spirits. This weekend has been a long time coming, and I'm so ready to stop being grouchy. I've reached that phase where I'm just mean to everyone. And I feel bad, but it's one of those things. People withdraw from things, caffeine, sugar, drugs, alcohol. Me I withdraw from people. When I'm in pain, I don't want to take med's and go see the doctor I just want to curl up into a little ball and be held. Trust me kids, I'm trying hard to stay nice, it's just been one of those weeks.

~Positive~

This week

This is going to be a busy week for me. In fact it already has been. I went to bed around 2 am yesterday and got up around 7 and took my sister to school. Around 8:30 I decided to make some food and get ready for class. My mom came down stairs around 9 and told me that she needed me to take her to the doctor. Ok, for those of you who don't know my mom, when the word doctor come out of her mouth she must be dying. You have to drag her kicking and screaming. And two she asked me to take her. My mom hates to let me drive, she always wants to. So I couldn't tell her no. I called and e-mailed my morning professors and headed to Franklin. Talk about a long morning. We made it home around 12:30, just enough time to finish my math, run through my afro-American history and head out the door.

I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep in the last two days. I know, trust me I already know. I'm not eating, or sleeping, I'm really cranky and moody. Please just bear with me? I promise I don't do this intentionally. Chris called and told me to just lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep, so I did and I slept for about an hour. I'm glad I listen to him, no I think it's I'm glad he's usually right. Saturday is only 3 days away. I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE HIM! Saturday is the prize for all this hell. Keeping my eye on the prize.

In good news, tomorrow is Tuesday, which is also surprise day! :) I'm so pumped. Unfortunately I have to go to class tomorrow because we had a test due, so I'll see if Debbie wants to sit in on my class or she can do whatever. But I want credit for my paper so I have to go. I'm just so excited for tomorrow. :) I hope he loves his present.

~EXCITED~

New Mattress

I've had an air mattress for a mattress for a long time. My mom called yesterday to tell me she got me a real mattress. She was sick of the air mattress' getting holes in them or just deflating and causing problems. So I'm awake because my body just isn't used to this mattress. Bah, here is hoping I get used to it fast. I'm really tired. I think I got all of about 5 hours of sleep last night.

I have a project due Friday and I'm going to have a redo done for my other project. I also need to finish my math for tomorrow. I got a test back that I took right before break and I got a miserable score on it. My professor called it I just ran out of time for the last essay and that's what did me in. :( Yea, I guess we all have bad tests. I just remembered about a take home test that I seriously thought was due already. Wow I can tell that this is going to be a seriously stressful week.

I guess I'll work on some homework sense I'm up and can't sleep anyway. Math? Or this test? I think this test. My plan for tomorrow is to get up at 7 take my sister to school, go to the gym and bust my ass and work off some frustration. Go to class, either finish my math or start working on my project. Then go to class and then come home. Or work on school some more......I guess it all just depends on how long I'm going to be up tonight.

~Phasing~

Obviously still awake

I know I know, 5 a.m. There is a lot going on in my head right now. I went over to my friends house, she and her fiance's place, and we hung out for most of the day while he slept. (He works 3rd shift) Well she woke him up for dinner at around 5:30 and and he played with the kids while she and I cleaned up. Anyway, his brother came over later that night and we were "playing" around. You know one would grab your arm and then while you fight back they fight back hard kind of thing. You arn't suppose to get free. Harmless. Nothing wrong with that. Until I the one started to spank me. My instant reaction is to tell him that that is not ok and that my boyfriend would not approve. That should solve any problems. I went back to sitting on the railing minding my own business. Well here he comes again, pushing me off the rail, while his brother is pushing so I don't fall off. When he stops pushing back I go forward because his brother was trying to prevent me from falling. And he hits me again. So again I tell him that's not cool, my friend told him to knock it off, I wasn't ok with that, his brother told him to knock it off. We have all now told him that it's not cool to hit another guys girlfriends butt. (I have told him at the top of my lungs) I'm now starting to get really pissed, but I don't want to leave because I'm having a good time with my friend. So I go up stairs and she follows me we talk, the boys come up and I go right back down the stairs. The game went on for about 20 minutes when he left to get pop and I flat out told my friend and his brother that I was really offended and I would have to tell Chris. When he came back he was like I want to talk to you. So I went down and talked, he appologized and said that he wouldn't do it again, he just got carried away. I told him that he crossed a line even after I told him not to. I told him that you can't just smack people and think that they are going to be ok with it. I tried to fight back, but he just fought me harder. I feel guilty, I feel in the wrong. I asked my friend and his brother if I had done something to provoke it, and that I wanted them to be honest with me. They both said no, and that he had gone WAY to far. They told me that I had told him to knock it off and that he didn't listen, probably because he thought I was kidding. Why is it that when I say no some people don't listen to me? I want to be a good girlfriend, I don't want to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel bad for her because she has to go through this everyday. He thinks that she's just there for his own personal enjoyment. I'm respected for my mind and my opnions, he just wants her for sex. She won't leave him, and that's her decision. I'll stand by whatever she wants. But so help me if he EVER lays another hand on me.......you get the idea.

~Upset~

Suit

He bought a suit........come on kids you all know me, and I can't resist a hot guy in a suit. (Well I can, because if there is a bow tie attached, it's over.) BOW TIES ARE STUPID. I like real ties, clip on's are ok. :) WHY ME?? WHY ME??? (Oh the torture....and suffering........ :) )

~Grins~

Baking and Girl Talk

My friend Kim called and woke me up this afternoon, we talked for awhile and she ended up coming over and we baked some cookies and muffin's and talked. Oh how I miss the simple days when we could all just sit around a lunch table and talk about all our problems. Things that were on our mind or just share secrects. :( I MISS HIGH SCHOOL! Though I don't miss the drama.

In other news Purry (Chubbs) came home today. She is looking so much better. She will need to be medicated twice a day for a week. It's all good, the blood work will all be back by Tuesday. The doctor said if anything that would be a cause for alarm should come up he would call.

I'm so relaxed right now, I'm just sprawled out over my whole bed talking to friends and waiting for Chris to call. Been a good day.

~Reliefe~

Kitty Cat

I took my sister's cat to the vet today. She has a bladder infection and is dehydrated. Poor thing. She is going to have blood work done tomorrow.

I talked to Debbie today. I'm really REALLY REALLY excited about Tuesday. So much hype. But I'm so very excited!!!!! :) You all know that I get excited so easily. :) HURRAY! TUESDAY!!!

Chris and I talked today. It's days like this that make me wonder how my relationship lasted so long before. We can talk about anything and everything. I love that I don't feel like I have to hide anything. I can be myself and be completley open. :) Days like this make me feel so good.

~Emotional high~

Heaven?

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
That's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

Oh, once in your life you find someone
Who will turn you all around
Bring you up when you're feeling down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come around
Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

So many bad memories. I heard this song for the first time in a long time tonight. I instantly just started crying. There are so many bad memories that go along with it, so many broken promises. I can usually work through it. Like when they played Immortal at my nieces funeral. I couldn't listen to it for awhile, but eventually I stopped crying everytime I heard it. And now I can listen to it, it makes me think of her, but I don't cry. For some reason this song can't be worked through. A broken promise to my Father. I know your all thinking he's gone, so what? A promise on his death bed. How do you work through that?

~Unsure~

American Idol

Today has been the most eventful of all of the days of Spring break. I went and played tennis with a friend from high school today and we hung out for awhile and then I came home. I used muscles that I forgot exsisted. It's been so long sense I've played. I wasn't home for very long before I was out the door again. I just got home around 8:30. Yea for things to do. I'm picking Josie up tomorrow. So that will take up some of the day. I'm not sure what I'm doing Friday or this weekend. So if you want to do something leave me a message or call or do something! :) I'm all about hanging out! :)

I bought part of Chris' present today. (A part that can't be made) The rest is going to be made by Debbie and I! SO PUMPED!

I watched American Idol last night and I didn't really like the girls. I liked the last two that performed. A lot of them were off key, sharp, flat, or it just wasn't a good song for them. I missed most of the guys tonight, they were good from what I saw. I didn't like number 7 just because I don't like the song. He's a great vocalist. The song has a lot of bad memories. I'll watch the little snippets................................they were good for the most part.

~Excited~