Just won't go away

So I started my period Tuesday. Now while that might not seem like a big deal, I'm usually done by now. I don't ususally hang over on days. I'm hoping it's just cuze it wasn't quite as thick as it usually is.

Anyway, I got my hair highlighted today. It looks really good. Prom is 6 days away. It's really exciting. Toronto is in 14 days. That's really exciting too. Yeah.

Anyway, so I don't really have anything else to talk about.

Little Sister

I had a "meeting" with my little sister advisor. She came in and looked at the house. To make sure we didn't have any "red flag" items. You know? It didn't take very long at all. I can't wait to get my paper work, back. Should be in about a week and a half. I hope so. I can't wait to get it back, and get my little.

Prom is in 1 week. YEAH!!! I've been tanning for the last couple of days. I'm trying to make sure I'm tan enough for it. I think I look really good. But that's just me. I hope that my boyfriend thinks I look phenominal. You know? I really want to look good for him. I don't care what anyone else thinks but him. :)

Getting closer

So the days are drawing nearer to Prom and Toronto. Oh I'm so excited. So yeah, that sounded like a second grade saying. But I don't care. I can't wait for prom. My boyfriend and I are going to dinner with some friends. Getting pictures done and then going to prom. I'm so happy. I so can not wait for toronto either. That is going to be such a good time. I can't wait for that. :)

So anyway I'm going to go now......

I quit

So like the title says I quit. I don't know what to say or what to do. I can't make anyone happy any longer. So I'm done. I missed a concert that I was told about once. No one reminded me, it wasn't brought up twice. I have been busier than anyone will ever believe and if it didn't involve a test or a project then yes I forgot about it. Although no one told me twice.

Then a friend takes her bad day out on me. So have a bad week and take it out on me. HIP HIP GO TO HELL. I'm sick of being peoples outlet. I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm so sick of being the perverbiale punching bag.

I can never seem to be right. Even though I know what I'm talking about. I know this, because I have friends who do it. But once agian I'm wrong. So lets just be really honest here. I suck at life and quiting is my best option. Yeah there it's all fixed.

And now it's my fault, that the big brothers and sisters lady has to come over and make sure that there is no drugs in the house and it's such a big inconvience to my mother. Because all she cares about is her. I'm so sick of people only caring about themsevles. I'm so sick of people telling me what's wrong with my life or what's not the best idea to be doing. I wish that I could just live my life and let things go.

Alright I feel better now that I have vented. I guess it was just one of those things that build up and then well, released......

On the edge

So everything was going ok. I said something about things not feeling right, and now I may not have a boyfriend. He said he needs to think things through and figure out what he wants and needs. We have 3 options:
1. Stay together
2. Break-up
3. Take a break

I don't think that 2 is a good idea, I don't know that I like 3 either. But it's not ultimatly up to me. I look at the saphire that he gave me, and I don't know what it means. He asked me if I could still visit him and my friends at Penn State. I don't think I can. In fact I'm almost sure that I couldn't . I would give things back, I would have to give everything back. I don't know that we could be friends. There is to much there, for me, to know if I could just be his friend. I don't think I could. I think it would be to painful. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I guess though that there is no other way to be. I just don't know right now.....leave me a message and I'll get back to you after the beep..............................................................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................................................................................
...........................................................if you didn't get it already, it's not going to beep.

Losing

So I guess the only way to describe today is that I've lost. I guess it started with Jammie being in her own room. I know that everyone is trying to include her. And I know that it makes me seem mean that I don't want her in my room. But she honestly gets on my nerves, you can try as hard as you want, she'll still get on your nerves. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, I didn't want to be curle. But I don't like her and I don't think it's fair to have to deal with that, when everyone had things planned out. You don't go to prom with someone you don't like, you don't go out on dates with people like that. You go to prom with people you like and dates with people you like. But everyone had to make me and Debbie look like the bad guy.

I guess on top of all of that, I just had to push some other people over the edge. I don't know though. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

And Erin if you read this, Mrs. Holes wanted me to get your gym key. I figure you read this alot. If I put it on here maybe you read it and remember, because by the end of the day tomorrow I will have totally forgotten.

OH YEAH!! AND TODAY IS MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY!!!!

Bumed Out

So nothing much has happened. But now I'm totally and completly baffeled. My boyfriend just told me that he is ready to propose, but he doesn't feel the need to do it. So now I'm just totally lost. I understood when he said that he was ready. But now I just don't understand. I hope that if he reads this he will e-mail me and explain how he feels now and what made him feel this way. Because I now have no idea what to think. I'm so completly lost.

I have been having a couple of bad days. I don't know why. I feel like I'm going back to the old me. But you guys wouldn't understand that. I wish I knew how to explain it.

College Experience

Well, I had my first college experience, and it SUCKED! But I have my schedule for the fall. So, lets see:
Monday,Wednesday, Friday:

United States to 1877-10 to 10:50
American Political Process-11to 11:50
Classical Mythology and Lit-3-3:50

Tuesday, Thursday

Algebra-10:30-11:45
Seminar in Compositon-2:30-3:45

So that's my schedule for the first semester. That is fifteen credits. HOLY SNOT! I know.

I played tennis today with Leanna and Deb and Mr. V. That was a lot of fun.

My boyfriend and I talked about engagement and sex the other night. He thinks that things are ok the way they are. I tryed to explain my feelings on the matter of engagement. I don't know if he understands why I feel the way I do. I don't know if see this the way I do. I don't know if he really wants me. I wish I could understand.

Totally Unamazed

Well, lets see, NOTHING HAPPENED TODAY!!! Wow how amazing. Lets see I spent the day in school and then I went to work, and had a lovely time, and then I went to youth. Followed by coming home and eating dinner. I've been so lost in my own mind latley. I have so many things swirling in my head. I have so many thoughts and feeling. I feel like I'm in a lost world surrounded only by those things that make me tick. Nothing makes me feel, I don't understand. I think it's just a phase. I've felt like this before. It's nothing new. I think that maybe I'm growing apart from people. You know what I mean? My thoughts exactly. I wish that I knew what to do. I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes I feel like that if I just cry everything will go away. There is only one person who can make the world go away, my boyfriend. He doesn't make fun of me. He doesn't critize me. He inspires me and makes me feel loved, needed, wanted and cared for. No one can make me happier. I just hope he knows that.....

Totally Amazed

So today was my last high school band concert. Yes, it was kind of disheartening. Standing on stage an being recognized as a senior. Though there has been a lot of senior recognition this year. I'm actually kind of sick of it. I wish I could just meld back into the back ground. Now don't get me wrong I like being looked apon to show leadership and be a role model. But let's be honest I hate being recongized infront of a large group of people. I feel like I've done something, that I really didn't do, if that makes any sense. So anyway, not that I've gone totally off topic. When we went in to this concert tonight, we were all a little concerned, to say the least. The way we practiced yesterday, had everyone in fits and nerves were high. When we got into the autotorium, we took our seats and began. At the end of the first piece our director smiled. And as the concert went on the smiles got bigger and bigger. Now, while there were a few cringes here and there they were nothing major. And when the whole thing was over we all sat on stage for our final "pep" talk. And all he could say was "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?" And we knew that we had done good. So all in all I can say that my senior spring concert was awsome.

Rare, Medium, or Well Done

Do you ever wonder why sometimes guys think that we, we being females, are meat. That we are just there for when ever they want us and then not when they don't. You say no and they get mad or frustrated with you. And when you want to try to do something they say no. They don't get what they want when your trying to give it to them. I just don't understand.

You want to talk about serious relationships and they are thinking about how they can get to you. What can they do to cheese you off next. I just want to say this. I think all men need to take a crash course in Respecting Women 101. Now there are the select few who will read this and agree with me and be all up-set that I've catagorized you all into one catagory. But guess what even you guys like to think that we're just your sex toys from time to time. So don't think that you've gotten yourself off the hook. So when you think about it. Maybe you should let us decied when it's a good time for us. When we feel that things are "just right".

Now sweet heart, you are guilty of making me feel like a piece of meat sometimes. But I have to admit that you are much better about it than a lot of men. You ask me when and why. And though sometimes the questions are tiresome. It's good to know that you respect me as a woman, enough to question my judgement, but enough to alow it to stand when I do say no. I love you so much. So CAN WE GET MARRIED NOW??? :)

Non Existiant

The last couple of days have been really ruff. I've been having bad days. Things just haven't been right, or felt right. I find something out and then when I try to talk to someone they yell at me or ignore me. I go somewhere with someone and they act like I'm not existant. You know? I haven't been myself, I don't like myself. Not right now at least. I feel out cast and un-loved. I know that I am. But I don't feel it. I feel like everyone hates me and is mad at me. I feel like I'm falling back into the way I was before. I hate myself. I hate my apperiance. I hate me. I wish I knew how to get people to understand me.

School is getting closer and closer to an end. And grauation is getting closer and closer. Things are starting to hit. Hit for real. That might explain my mood, as of late. You know what I mean.

Left behind

Do you ever feel like no matter what someone does or says it still won't make things any better? I feel so alone and so left out. All of my friends are getting engaged and planning their weddings, and have all these plans for this summer. Some are going on vacation, so basics, and others are just going to hang out at home. And then there is me. I know I sound so ungrateful, and whatever, but when you know something you know it.....and you normally don't let it go or wait around right? Like when your taking a math test, you don't do the one's you don't know first, you usually do the ones you do know how to so you can spend more time on the ones you don't know right? I thought so too. When you know something why do you want to wait? What if something else comes along and wants what you have? I don't know. I guess I've just had a lot on my mind as of the last couple of weeks. I don't want to put my life on hold forever. I don't want to wait for things to come to me. I've always grabbed things by the horns and did it the way I wanted to. You know what I mean? I don't want someone else to tell me how or what to do. I know what I want and I want it yesterday. I know that sounds really selfish, but think about this, I don't like to let things go that I want. That just sucks when that happens. Do you like to give away things that you like? I'm not going to stand on the street and give out hundreds of dollars. Who would? I want to be like everyone else. I want to live like everyone else. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to sit around and do nothing either. I don't really know what to say....I know that I sound really selfish right now....and I don't mean to. That is not my point at all. I know that someone out there is going to think that. But all I want is to be normal, whatever normal is......

Stress in school

So the ever grade but seniors had testing today! Yay for that. I hate standerdize testing. Anyway, testing aside I was still really stressed today. I don't really know why. I guess most of it could be the reilization that graduation is only 45 days away. Part of it could be that it's the last nine weeks and finals are coming up. Or part of it could be all the crap and busy work that they are making us do. I don't honestly know. I was so stress that I ripped off my nails today. Now before you all go gross. They were fake. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't type and I couldn't write.

My boyfriend and I talked last night. He said that he would like to be married in 5 years. And almost positivly by 10. I really hope so. I love him. I don't want to sound like I'm useing anyone, but I want the security of knowing that I won't ever lose him no matter what get's thrown at us. That we can get through anything together. I guess what I'm trying to say in a lot of words, is that I don't want to lose him. I don't think I could handle that. I think that that might just kill me. But I'm sure you know what that's like, being 18 and in love with someone. I don't know what to say or do. I just kind of follow what my heart says, even when I know something I do might not be the smartest thing...though I can't really think of anything where that is true.......

Giving up in the long run.

So I signed up for prom today. Yeah. I also signed up for my pictures and to sign my boyfriend in.

So I don't know what to do yet agian. What do you do when someone makes you feel like you no longer exist? When someone makes you feel like your no longer important. I don't get it. I no longer feel important. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. I wish that I could say what I wanted to. But the person who acts like I don't exist doesn't listen or act like I matter anymore....how do you answer or deal with that?

2 miles away

We got our treadmil set up today. I did 2 miles. Which I plan on doing everyday. I want to be able to lose 5 pounds by prom. Lots of fruits and vegitables. You know. I want to get healthy and be training for basics. You know. The army and all. I think I might start packing my lunches sandwiches and fruit, water. I'm going to try to cut calories back. I just want to get into shape and look great in my prom dress and swim suit this summer. I want to look great in my uniform too. :) I know....ok I'm done now.....

Lost in the world

So I don't really know what's going on. I guess you could say I'm just kind of wandering so you could say....My boyfriend made a really odd comment today about bubble gum. I don't pretend to understand. Something about if he could go back in time and change it from dimonds to bubble gum he would and then he would give me some. I don't pretend to understand. Nor do I care to. I wish I could make my intentions made well. I don't know what to do. Oh well.

College, and the reserves. My life will be busy. I think I'm going to join the reserves. I'll enlist in the summer, in like August. And then go to basic in June of next year. You know. I think that that is the best course of action. You know what I mean? I don't know what else to do. So I think I'm going to enlist so, I can't wait until I can enlist and go to basics, I guess what I can't wait for the most is going and getting the uniform. I can't wait to get into the uniform. I want to the hat. I want the dress uniform.

Going to play cranium.........