In Love

I've been thinking a lot about what happened the other day. While I've move past it and it is no longer a huge deal to me, I still feel slightly helpless. I've always been very independent and self motivated. I have never felt like I needed a man to take care of me. But after what happened I feel like I can't take care of myself. Anyone who wanted to take advantage of me would probably have an amazing chance of doing it. And I think that is what scares me most. I read something in a book for one of my classes and it really it home, "What could be worse than making love to someone you didn't want to be with, caught up in a situation that dictated intimacy?" It makes something in me, being a woman, feel for all the women out there who aren't strong enough to walk away. Who feel like they deserve what they got. I was once one of them. I wasn't strong enough, I thought I was in love and that he would never hurt me. I felt that when he yelled at me I deserved it. And then my relationship ended and I saw the real world. I didn't deserve that. I deserved a whole hell of a lot more. I deserve a man, who will respect me, and treat me like a princess. Every women does. It's always been my fantasy that some man will just come and sweep me off my feet and make the world right and I'll live happily ever after. Isn't' that really all we want? To live happily ever after?

Today was surprise day! And let me tell you all I've never had so much fun in my life! I'll have to publish some pictures, but not until after Saturday. :) I'm usually so bad at keeping secrets, but I'm proud of myself, I've held in there! :) It was so good to see Debbie again, she even sat in on my class! :) So strange, almost felt like high school again. We then went to my doctors appointment, I guess I have some kind of something with my L5 S1 which is Greek to me, but everyone else I've talked to seemed to know what that ment. It doesn't appear to be causing me any problems. He thinks I was probably born with it. Anyway, he thinks that I would heal a whole lot faster if I did some PT so I'm going to do some PT. He didn't say how long, he just said that I need to find a place in Titusville and then call so he can send the recommendation. Here is hoping that this is going to help! :) I'm allowed to do whatever I want, unrestricted. So I guess I'll keep living my life and doing what I do and going to PT to fix this. I'll be ok.

This has been the worst week of my life. I really feel like one of my teachers against me. I'm not sure why. I'm staying positive. Nothing is going to break my spirits. This weekend has been a long time coming, and I'm so ready to stop being grouchy. I've reached that phase where I'm just mean to everyone. And I feel bad, but it's one of those things. People withdraw from things, caffeine, sugar, drugs, alcohol. Me I withdraw from people. When I'm in pain, I don't want to take med's and go see the doctor I just want to curl up into a little ball and be held. Trust me kids, I'm trying hard to stay nice, it's just been one of those weeks.

~Positive~