Sick

I give up. No one will want me until I'm out of the Army. I give up.

~Depressed and Hurt~

Iraq

I'm leaving at the end of the month......trying to cope with my real life and I think I'm accually dealing well. I love me and I need to right now. Things haven't been going as well. And I'm hurt and angry with me, and my friends are helping me work through and I love them all. Thanks guys. I need you all right now. You guys are great!

~Unsure~

Home

Staring at an empty cup of understanding Maybe you could fill it up and tell me why you left I don’t want to be alone in this ocean Of people passing by rushing toward the end And I can see your soft reflection like a ghost in the mirror And I would do whatever I could for a chance to have you here (Chorus) And be home again Now that you’re gone I can see that I was wrong Back in your arms I feel home again Now that you’re gone I can see I was wrong Back in your arms again Again Even as the clouds roll by I swear they mock me Cause every one that fills the sky turns into your face Maybe it was heaven’s fault they lost an angel couldn’t hold on and I let her get away And I can see you soft reflection like a ghost in the mirror And I would do whatever it could for a chance to have you here

Chorus

So it's been an exceptionally long time sense I have let any of you in on what is going on in my life. I have gone to several concerts this summer. Family Values and Ozz Fest. Dylan and I have spent some time together, mostly with other people. Tomorrow is our day, just us. I'm so looking forward to that. I did end up finding my birth control, get this I had already packed it. I move to Greensburg on Sunday, and Dylan is staying here. Hopefully he'll be in Pittsburgh next semester, but I'm not hoping to hard. I don't want to be disapointed if things don't work out and he doesn't come with us. We've been together 6 months on September 8th. I'm happy, and I love him......that's about all the more exciting things that have happened recently.

~In love~

I lost it

I lost my birth control.

~Frustrated!~

OCD

I'm having some issues latley. No there is nothing wrong with me, but I haven't been this happy and in love in so long that I'm really just afraid to let go and let things be and just accept it for what it is. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to ruin things and that's usually what happens. I fuck up or ruin my relationship. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that guys want to have sex with me, they got what they want so then they can add me to the list of girls and make me another "notch on the bed post." I'm sick of being a "notch" I want to be something more. Dylan and I have been hurt in the past and I think we are both just afraid to hurt eachother. Neither one of us wants to hurt the other, which makes us both causious. I think that if he decides to go with me to my sisters that we should talk about all this stuff. I don't want to lose him, he's amazing, but I don't want him to feel like he has to put on a show or hold back from me. He's gotten better about talking to me about what's bothering him. I think we are good together, I love him. He's so amazing to me, he's so good to me. I think we complement eachother well and I think the fact that we have similar life experiences make things easier and hard for both of us. I think that we work well together. I just love him so much. ~In-love~

Completley Nauseous

Have you ever just been comepletly nausiated by yourself? I remember when I came home from the Army I had a hot body. My abs were tight and my legs and shoulders were cut and my arms were muscular. And now I feel flabby and not anything like I did when I came home. I really do feel nausiated by myself. The car accident really put me at a disadvantage. I'm tired all the time and lathargic. Life just sucks!

~Bummed~

One week

So this week has been very interesting. Nothing was what it seemed. To much tension and stress. Anyway, Dylan and I stayed several days at his mom and Scott's house out in Tioga. And then we came home. I haven't slept right in the last couple of days. I took Dylan back to Correy today and I miss him so much. You know, I don't think that I have ever felt this way about anyone. I hate leaving him, it always feels like I'm not going to see him for months or years. He always says, you act like I'm never going to see you again, but that's how it feels. I know that I'll probably see him on Suday or Monday. We are going camping in at his mom's camp. I have to work Friday and Saturday so that will keep me busy until I get home and wait for him to call on Sunday. So I have to tough it through tomorrow and Thursday and then I'll be busy. I also have to find time to go out to Cincinatti to visit my sister maybe the week after next. Who know's? I need to call Dylan or Kris and get the money for my dress.

~Contemplative~

Falling apart?

Have you ever felt completly stressed beyond your means? I mean do you ever feel like someone is pushing you to far and hard and you just don't say anything? I'm starting to feel that way and it's probably because everything is so fast approaching. I'm stressed out of my mind about things and making sure that everything gets done. I'm a list maker and promise your going to get it done type. Don't make me look like an ass because you will be sorry. Dylan keeps telling me that he doesn't want to go because he know's that I'm going to be stressed out about things and he says I'm hard to talk to when I'm stressed and that I bitch. I just feel like I can talk to him and that he listens to me. But obviously he doesn't want to deal with it. So I think maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I don't want to scare him away. Though I'm starting to think that he's getting sick of me. I'm so scared to just be happy because every time I do that I lose the one thing I want most. Though maybe that's something else I just need to suck up and deal with. I don't want him to tell me that I'm hard to talk to or deal with anymore, it makes me feel like I'm a bad girlfriend. He never wants to talk about what's wrong until it's time to go to bed. Maybe I should just get a straw and suck it up. That's probably what I'll do. I'm not going to bitch or complain to anyone I'm just going to get a straw and run or walk away when I feel the need to.

~Losing the War~

Threatened

Let me start by saying that Dylan and I had spent a couple of days together and now I find myself unable to sleep during his absence from my house. (This is nothing unusual) I have found myself thinking about alot of things. The army, Greensburgh, Correy and Titusville, and ex-girlfriends. All things that I'm afraid might screw up my relationship. The rumor is that we are being deployed in January and I don't want to leave him for an 18 month tour of duty, but then again I really don't have any choice. Greensburgh is only temporary and I can come home almost every weekend, minus drill weekend that is. I hate that he lives an hour away, and I guess at that it's not even really an hour is more like 30 minutes. Though it still feels like forever to me. I think the one that has hit me the most is his ex-girlfriend. I don't know why I feel so threatened by her. He doesn't want her back and he has made that perfectly clear to me. After all the hell she put him through, I believe him when he says he will NEVER go back to her. There is just something about her that drives me insane. Anyone who know's me know's that I like everyone until you give me a reason not to, and she didn't have to give me a reason she just pushed some button in me and that's all it took. Then again this raises some outstanding questions I never thought about before.........

~Wondering~

Off

I've been home all day except for the hour that I left to take Danny and Emily to Chinese. I've been bored all day. I've also had an off feeling, the last time I had this I rolled my car. I'm hoping that it will go away. I'm going to watch Sweet Home Alabama and then watch some Adult Swim then go to bed and when I get up I get to go get DYLAN! I'm so excited! I miss him so much.

In other news I have been in the army for a year tomorrow. And as of today it's exactly 5 years before I go into the inactive reserve. I'm exicted. Things seem to be going really well for me for once in my life. :)

~Excited~

Bored

So it's been awhile agian. Not to much in my life has changed. I'm still driving my 2005 focus. Kris and Dylan's wedding is in a couple of weeks. Dylan and I have been together for almost 3 months. However my cell phone is in several pieces, I think that I'm being under appriciated for my effort. I'm sick of being ordered around by people who are not my superior. I'm done listening to people tell me that Dylan and I shouldn't be together. I'm sick of people saying that I'm mean and a horrible person. I don't want anyone to kiss my feet and praise me. I don't want power I want things to be the way they should be. And no 12 year old should disrespect people who are older then them. (Parents, teachers, siblings.) Dylan is suppose to call me today or tomorrow so I'm really excited to talk to him. Hopefully I'll get to see him this week. I really miss him. He made me feel so much better when I talked to him yesterday. I love him so much. I would like to go out, but I don't want to leave without a cell phone because I don't want something to happen and be stuck somewhere. I'll get my new phone tomorrow. I'll get all the numbers I need in it and then be ok.

~Feeling better~

New York

Was the trip from hell. Lot's of attitude and mean comments. Poor Kris.

I get to see Dylan till like Tuesday!!! HURRAY!!!

~Excited~

Dylan

Well I haven't updated in a really long time, so hear goes. I had been staying with Dylan in his dorm room sense we started dating. I have sense moved back home and he is now living with Ryan in Corry. No, we didn't break up. I miss him so much and he's been there for all of 24 hours.

I'm picking my car up on Wednesday, and I get to see Dylan too! I can't wait. I'm more excited to see him then I am to buy the car. Futureama is on and we always watched it together so I'll leave you for now and I'll write more later.

~Missing Dylan~

Sway

So I recently read something that made utter and complete sense to me. Everyone has a rumor about them at one point or another and my real friends won't be swayed by them. Things have been building up and I guess that this was my outlet.

An update on the car.
1. I got the lean
2. They are sending the title.
3. I have a car waiting for me on the lot.

~PUMPED~

Waste of Space

Have you ever just felt like you were a complete waste of space and air? My head won't stop pounding, I'm no good at college, I suck at being a girlfriend, there are people who hate me, rumors flying and I'm just a bad person. I let myself go. You know it just comes down to out right sucking. Go me!

~Bummed~

Fuck it

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE RUDE! I HATE PEOPLE WHO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LOOK STUPID! I HATE PEOPLE WHO STICK THEIR NOSE WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG!

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (IS THAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU?)

~PISSED~

Roll Over's and Semi-Formal

The title is just what it sounds like, I rolled my car 4 times. Well 3.5 to be totally techincal. I'm alright and at this point I just don't care. I want my new car so that I can move on. That's right that's all thats left of it. Now moving on to happier things, Dylan and I went to Semi-Formal 3 days later and looked amazing. THANK ALLIE FOR MAKING ME LOOK SO AMAZING!!!

I had an amazing time and I think he did too. Part of me wants to just say screw it because of all the drama and shit and say that we could be better friends. But I don't want to let them win and I don't want to let him go. I'm so sick and tired of all the stress. I just want to be a big girl and live my own life and not worry about all the shit anymore. Fuck it I quit.

~Done~

Lost In My Mind

Over the last few days I've been trying to figure things out. Trying to work through things in my own head. Why men feel it necessary to hit there wives, girlfriends, significant others. Why people feel the need to be rude/cruel to others. Why professors feel the need to belittle there students. But most of all why people fall in love?

I guess the answer to the first one is simply, some, men feel like they are losing control and the only way to get it back is fear. So if they make us fear them we won't have our own mind. Though I would have thought in this day and age men would have wanted a women who was strong, independent and wanted to be there own person. Then again who wants a women who can think for herself?

I will never understand peoples need to be inherently rude to others. I understand that people are jealous, and want what other's have but what do eye rolls, heavy sighs and incoherent comments do? Nothing more then prolong the rudeness and "hatred" am I right?

I would have thought that professors where there to help us the student body. But I must honestly say that today I was pushed over the edge by one professor. When I asked him to replay something so that I could clarify he made it seem like the mistake I made was ridiculous and childish, as though I wasn't trying hard enough. I think that I work harder then some of the people in that class. But obviously that isn't enough for him.

I must say however that this last one is what perplexes me most. Why do people feel the need to bond with others? To be close with other people? What is it that draws people to people. What drew Dylan to me? Or vice versa? What I really wonder about is why do people want to get married.....let me explain before you all jump on me. You are tied to one person forever. You vow to have sex with one person for the rest of your life. To trust them. to love them and care for them. I guess, my question about the whole thing is if those are the concepts then why do we need divorce. I don't think you can just stop loving someone. That would be like my saying when my dad died that I just stopped loving him because he was dead. He's dead, I just can't see him anymore. I still love him. When I say I love you, I mean it. It's not just three words to me. "those three words are said to much, but not enough." I think everyone has a someone. It just depends on how long it takes to find them.

~Questions~

Dylan

So I'm sitting at the computer typing and Dylan is playing final fantasy. And I'm listening to some guy complain about his life and lack of God. And now he has to show me why he hates country, because of Rascal Flats Drum set. He's adorable.....my angry drummer! As Dylan would say.... "Wow I picked a winner." Sometimes I think he just needs to bang something really hard. Hence the reason a set was a good choice for him.......

~Caught up~

Walking

Do you ever feel like your just going through the motions? You are just alive. You are just breathing, you are just moving. That if you stopped maybe no one would notice? You know I seem to be stuck in this state today. I can't seem to shake the feeling that no one would notice if I just stopped. I mean eventually someone would notice, because they'd need something from me, and want me to do something for them and then they'd wonder what happened to me.

Did you ever just want to be happy but you knew that no matter what you'd probably end up unhappy? I'm waiting, waiting for the catch. There always is one. Good people always finish last. What is it about the world and finishing last? Why can't anything I do be easy? I just want to be happy. I want things to be easy, I just want to know that someone really fucken cares and wants to be with me for the rest of my life. But what are the chances of that?

~Confused~

Forever

Papa Roach
Forever

in the brightest hour, of my darkest day
i realised what is wrong with me
cant get over you, cant get through to you
its been a helter skelter romance from the start
take these memories that are haunting me
of a paperman cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
he'll never forgive her he'll never forgive her

because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever
because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

sittin by a fire on a lonely night
hangin-over from another good time
with another girl, little dirty girl
you should listen to this story of a life
your my heroine, in this moment im lonely fullfilling my darkest dreams
all these drugs, all these women
im never forgiven, this broken heart of mine

because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

one last kiss, before i go
dry your tears, it is time to let you go
one last kiss, one last kiss, before i go
dry your tears, it is time to let you go

because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever
because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

one last kiss, before i go
dry your tears, it is time to let you go
one last kiss, before i go dry your tears
it is time to let you go, one last kiss....

You figure it out......

~Happiest girl~

Dorm Rooms and Mustangs

I figured it's about time to empty my mind out and allow you all to see things through my eyes agian. I was in the gym earlier trying to run, it was pitiful, and I started to wonder if I really do want to be in college. Do I want this as much as I used to? Or do I want to make the Army my life? Do I just want to switch over to active and go to Jump and Language school. I guess that my unit has the funding to send us, but just don't. It's just been stressful around here. My life has been fucking crazy. I'm meeting with Debbie after class tomorrow, I'm so ready to just let go and get back to my high school friends.

On another positive note I saw a mustang that I want. It's a fully loaded, white, automatic for 28,125. That's not bad, not bad at all. What do you all think? Should I buy it or not? Dylan could put racing stripes on it for me. Which would make me feel better because it's white. It's also not a convertable, but baby steps.

~Contemplative~

Insomnia

I have for some reason become an insominic. I can't fall asleep even though my body really wants to. I need to get myself back into shape....maybe that's my problem. I picked up my maid of honor dress today and I'm kind of bloated and I put it on to help with the dress thing. Well anyway, the older lady at the store walked up and told me I should order a size bigger because it wasn't fitting me right....I wear a 10, the dress I ordered was a 12. ( a size bigger!) I thought I looked amazing, and so did Kris and Eli. It really hurt. I'm going to run tomorrow. I need to. It will make me feel better and help with the bloat. Running, I'm doing it! I will feel good about it! Sometimes I love my motivation!

~Exhausted~

Leave Me Alone

I've put myself on a diet. Back to the Army way. Eat three times a day and no snack. Drink only water. Sunday is the day for candy and gatorade. It will also be the only day that I don't work out. I have to get back to the way things were. (Don't worry I'm happy with me, but I just need to get back into the Army way, so that I don't fall out of habit.)

I have this to say.
I want to forget you exisit.
I want to forget you made me happy.
I want to be free of you and your memory.
I want you to go away.

~Smiling~

Blood

So I'm sitting here in Sarah's house watching a movie called 28 day's later. It's really kind of nasty. I spent some of today with Tylere. Taking pictures and just hanging out. I love taking pictures with Tylere.

~Cute~

I Think I Wrote This To Post While I Was In Training....

17 Nov 06

Some people.....

I will never understand why people who don't want to be in the Army join it. An elite group of "ariens" that the government has decided is fit to be a soldier. To protect it's borders and most importantly it's people. But you have those who "want" to be soldiers by convince or because they get a 10% discount, cheap food and free clothes, who don't give a damn about the constitution, the declaration or anyone but themselves. We call these people "blue falcons" and most sadly of all they don't seem to care. Because first and foremost their needs have been met and no standards upheld. They have given nothing and taken everything. Then they expect to be paid and handed anything and everything like a child. Someone signed up to defend a nation and instead the government is only babysitting them. John F. Kennedy said "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." They are doing the first and not the latter. I wanted to join the Army sense I was a kid to be a soldier to protect those who needed help and ruin those who created havoc. Soldiers always do what it takes to complete the mission. I've never been put on couch detail or sit detail. It kills me to think that these people wanted to be here they volunteered their lives in defence of this great nation and now they are saying "No." "I am the Lorax I speak for the tree's, I speak for the trees for the trees have no toung and I'm asking you Sir at the top of my lungs what is this thing you've made out of my Truffla Tuft." (Dr. Seuss) I am the Lorax, I am. I defend those who need help, I speak for them and they are making a mockery of our government and our institution. Damn them for even pretending to care. Send them home and let them pretend they are soldiers with a mission in life.

If you didn't make it, but you tried this has nothing to do with you. It's for all the Figueroa's out there. Alpha 06-06 knows what I'm talking about.

The truth only hurts the weak.

~Strong~

Cat Nap

So it's a Friday night, and it doesn't really feel like it. I was going to go out with Heidi and them tonight, but I had to pick up my combat boots for drill next weekend. It's alright though. Tylere is going to come over tomorrow and try to fix my laptop for me. And I think we are going to take some pictures too! I love taking pictures with him, we take ton's of awsome pictures. I'm tired, but it's been a positivly good day. It started with Roman Civ. Then I went to the computer lab where I proceeded to just screw around for an hour, went to the lounge and had lunch and studied for biology for about an hour. I then went and got my transfer paper work for Greensburgh and turned it in. And then proceeded to take my bio test. And I think I passed with a B!!! I DID WELL ON THE TEST!!! I'm so happy about it and I did well on the World Politics yesterday as well! I'm glad things are going well for me thus far. Now I just need to get my Roman Civ up and I'll be set!!! Things are going well! It's good to breath a little easier. MUCH LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!

~Happy~

Gray's Anatomy

I was watching it tonight. (Gray's Anatomy) When I stayed with Kris we watched all of season 1, and tonights episodes hit me hard. The episodes were about Gray and how she how drowned. The main plot line was all about trying to save her life. They wouldn't give up, they stayed positive and right before the show ended they brought her back, no brain damage. You know it made me think about my dad. What if we had found it a little sooner? What if they had given him a good kidney to help? What if they hadn't pumped his body full of cancer? (Radiation) What if he fought harder? Sometimes I think it's ok. And I still think that if I wait up late enough I'm going to hear the truck pull in the driveway and him slam the door. He'll ask me to make him some coffee and grahmcrackers with peanut butter. He'll yell at the cat and then tease her because he's on the heater and she'll just bite his foot. I want to hear him yell at me, call me by the wrong name and ask me when my birthday is. (Even though it is only 10 days before his) Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if he would have gone to the hospital. Or if we could have stopped the bleeding in his brain. I know your all thinking why don't you ever talk about this? Why did you never bring it up? You always say its ok. I know I do. But do you all want to know the truth, I blame myself. I can't be mad at my dad. But I can hate me. I should have tired harder. I like to pretend that I'm going places and doing great things with my life. But that sad truth is, I won't do any more then anyone else. I will always just be average.

~Empty~

Secret Words

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do you?
It goes like this the fourth the fifth
The minor fall the major lift
The Baffle king composing Halleluja.

I'm looking at you throught the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feel like forever
No one ever tell you that forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head.

I will rememer you
Will you remember me
Don't let life pass you by
Live not for the memories.

These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I found all that I've waited for
And I could not ask for more.

Some people wait a life time for a moment like this
Some people search forever for that one special kiss
Oh I can't believe it's happening to me.

Take your records
Take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and
Take your reasons
But you'll think of me
Take your cat but leave my sweater
'Cuze we've got nothing left to weather.

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way agian
Who I am hates who I've been.

~Zausted~

Forgetting....?

Did you ever want to forget someone? Or something that happened? A fight an argument or just a day that went down hill. I find my mind wandering back. Over and over agian, and I can't stop it. I don't know if I should wait and hope. Or if I should try harder to forget and move on. I'm working on it.

In other news I'm beating myself up hard core at the gym. And I'm starting to feel good about myself agian. I'm going at 7 am tomorrow and then probably again tomorrow night. Twice a day three times a week and once a day twice a week. Off on the weekends.

I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed.

~Zausted~

Blah

Moral of the story:

Beer=BAD FOR SUSAN!!!!

Edinboro hoodie

Nothing overly exciting has happened this week. I found out that I have a biology quiz tomorrow and I'm pissed because I was really sick on Friday and Monday and then school was closed on Wednesday. I can't believe that I have bronchitus agian. This is so dumb. I however have cleaned my room straightened everything up, got rid of a bunch of stuff I didn't need. Got rid of a ton of furniture and my mom got me a heater. This has been a really bad week for me. I'm looking forward to the weekend and next week. I'm ready to get a clean slate. I'm tired and I have a 10 o'clock. Maybe I should go to bed or something. SHOWER TIME!!!

~Trippy~

San Fransico and French Fries

Did you ever do something wrong, that you didn't realize you'd done? That made someone else mad and you didn't know until they are yelling at you for it later? Or did you ever go somewhere to get something so you could go home, that's all you honestly wanted to do. Nothing more, nothing less? Talking can wait until tomorrow. I'm all for it, I can handle that, I just need to go home.

"You'll Think Of Me."

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

I'm thinking I need time away from all of this, that is exactly what I need. No, I don't mean a vacation or spending the night at a friends. Dinner won't cut it and chocolate and a movie won't fix it either. I'm not going to lie to any of you, I'm thinking, seriously thinking that I'm going to call tomorrow and tell them to put me on the next roster. Anyone, just a roster and send me. I have my family and a few friends. At this point it's my only option.

~Blank~

Nanny

My mom told me she doesn't want me sleeping in my room, because it's to cold. So I tried sleeping on the couch and I couldn't sleep so I gave up and went to my room. When I called my mom this afternoon to see if she could pick up my prescriptions she yelled at me and told me that I'm not going to get any better if I don't stay warm. You know if we'd of finished the walls in my room and I had a heater then I'd be alright to live in my room. So I have camp set up in the livingroom. I have my quilt my build-a-bear, and gatorade. I went from my room to my couch and slept. I ate some soup and took a nap. What does that tell you? Exactly. I'm exhausted. I haven't done anything all day but I feel like I ran a marathon. I'm not going to lie though, I have put myself on a diet. I don't feel as confident as I did went I came home. I can't work out for 2 weeks which I totally don't agree with. I'm running as soon as I can breath again. That's just the stubborn army girl coming out. Anyone up for hanging out? Call maybe we could play monopoly?

~Chillin~

PT and 2 weeks

So I'm dying agian. Bronchitus for a second time in two months. And get this NO PT for 2 weeks. ARE YOU SERIOUS? "Yes, no pt for 2 weeks. It will do nothing more then make your lungs weaker." :( OH SUCK! No running, sit-ups or push-ups. Nothing. Stay inside as much as possible, eat lots of warm soup. Oh well. Nothing that will kill me.

I can't explain how happy I am that tomorrow is Friday. I love the weekend. Even though I have nothing going on. How depressing. Anyone up for hanging out?

~Sick~

Flyboys and a Test

Today was an alright day. It started at 9 when I got up to get ready for my 10 o'clock Roman Civ class. After that I went to the computer lab to get ready for Biology. Then I came home ate lunch and went to Bio. After that I came home unwound and went out to watch a movie with a friend. Flyboys if you haven't seen it you should it's an awsome movie! It makes me remember that I am just a mortal and that "bullets sound the same in every language." Then I went and finished my test with Allie and now I'm at home. I think I'm getting a cold. Get this I don't wear a coat and walk out side in tee shirts and less, then I start wearing a coat and scarf and I get sick. Someone explain to me how this works? Oh well! I don't know what's going on with my body, I'm so tired all the time anymore. Eh. Life will go on. "This to shall pass."

~Worn out!~

Football Practice

It was so cold today that they canceled school. I still had to go. It was an over all much better day then yesterday. I have to get up and go to Roman Civ tomorrow at 9. I'm so exhausted, but I got new running shoes today so it's good. I'm going to run tomorrow between my classes. That will make my day. Who know's maybe I'll meet someone in the gym.....lol. Who know's. I'm trying to move on with my life and trying to be happy. I love me, and I don't need someone to make me happy.

~Perky~

-9 and Exhausted

So I have decided that tomorrow I'm going to start going to the gym. I'm going to start hard core abuse. 2 miles every day. Sit-up's, push up's. I need to look like I did when I came home. I need to feel like I did. I'm going to drown myself in school, and self abuse. "This to shall pass." I figure it got me through 3 months of training at Bragg. It will get me through this too. I'm exhausted I got 45 minutes of sleep last night. I guess you'll have that when you cry all night long. Oh well, my life will continue. S0 the question is do I want to deploy early? Or do I want to stay here until '08?

~Pondering~

Sticks and Scraped Knees

So again I have fallen over a stick and bruised myself. My knees are bleeding, my hand hurts and I think I have a splinter in the left side of my chest and it might be poking my heart. I think I might volunteer for a deployment. I think I need to get out and get away. What do you all think?

~Disapointed and Crushed~

Propel and a Battle

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I don't know where it's gotten me, but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. There is a battle waging itself inside of my mind. I don't know why. I'm not sure what I'm trying to work out. I found out that one of my really good friends is pregnant, school is kicking my ass, (well bio is at least), I feel like I'm a bad soldier, and a bad person. I've lost control of my whole life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm a confident, strong, stubborn, strong willed, beautiful women. I don't need a man to do things for me. I was raised to do them myself and the army has only given me more confidence in the fact that I am just as good as any man. Don't get me wrong, I want to be loved and cared about. I want to wake up next to someone every morning. I want someone who could survive with nothing more then me and a cardboard box. Maybe that's what this is all about. My impending deployment. It seems to me that people are more afraid of me then anything else. I met someone who I really like, and I'm so afraid to push him away, or scare him away. Though it might be to late for that.

~Wishing I knew what was going on with me~

Perfect?

The other day I watched the movie Hannible with some friends. He really ate people. Don't get me wrong I did know that. I understood the whole concept, but he ate people. The movie made me cry no less. But it made me think. People do things because they are learned. Learned habits. Don't you think that maybe you eat the things you do or the way you do because your parents did? Do you say please and thank you? My dad would never eat steak bleeding and I don't either....but my mom does. Taylor eats dog, alright so it was once and it was in another country......but something had to of made him open to the idea. People don't like change by nature. This has proven more and more true. I feel like I get catorgorized with people whom I am far above. Now, don't get me wrong I think I'm better then no one. But I'm not a bad person and sometimes I feel like I get charaterized with them. I want nothing more then to save the world. That's all I've ever wanted. To save the whole world. My mom always told me that one person will never make a difference. I got into a fight the other night and while it made me realize that words are just words. I will never save the world. Sean's right. I'm mad that there is no cure for cancer because it wasn't there when I needed it. There was no cure for SMA, when I needed it. Why do I continuosly run into instances where I fail? I met a guy and I'm waiting for the catch. Even though there isn't one. I don't think I've ever asked for much in life but what I do ask for I never get. And maybe that's my hang up. Maybe this battle isn't the world agianst me. Maybe it me against me.

~Pondering~

Abuse

I've decided that I'm going to dedicate my time to abusing my body. I might as well look better if no one wants me. Its not like I'm going on dates. So I'm going to make myself look better and I'll feel better. I ran 2 miles tonight and I feel great. I think I might shoot to break the 4 minute mile. Why not right? I have nothing better to do with my time. Go out with my friends and abuse my body. Sounds like a plan to me.

~Unsure of the World~

Biology

Some thing never change. Some people never change, and yet the world still revolves. Nothing seems to make it stop. It forever seems to go on and on. While sometimes it gets so old, sometimes I wonder what would happen if the world stopped. Where would I be? Where would any of you be? I feel like my world is slowing down, but my life is speeding up. I feel like my life has turned into the hurry up and waits of the Army. While I love the Army, I don't love that. I feel like I wait around a lot anymore, but I don't know why because I'm never sitting still. I'm either invited to this party or that one, I'm hanging out with Kris and Dylan, I'm in Edinboro with my friends, I'm at school, or Drill. Nothing stands still. I haven't accually been bored the entire time I've been home until this weekend. My life stopped. I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. I realized then that I need a busy, hetic, stressful life style. And maybe that's why I fit into the Army so well. I function better that way. In the words of D.S. Vandzant "Keep your wits about you." and I can. I never used to like me and now, I love myself. People where right when they said guys like confident girls. I wish I could understand, however what I am to do in my current predicament. I want to be with this guy, but he is what it seems to me, is ignoring the situation. There are so many guys out there, I just last night got asked out. I don't want to settle for second. Not that anyone who has asked me out is second, or not good enough. I have my mission and I really don't want to give up until it's completed, but it's seeming to me that it may not be completible. I guess I really need to realize that this rests souly on him. My life just meerly hangs in the balance. So I will continue to wait. However I will not wait forever, however because I to want only to be happy.

~Quizical~

Track pants and spit

I'm so frustrated! I'm so mad I could cry. I don't know what to think and I can't do anything. I feel like a yo-yo. I wish someone would just tell me what the hell is going on. I hate this. RRRRRRRRRRRRRR.......I can't sleep I'm so frustrated! What does that tell you? Ahhhhhhhhhh. I want to scream and run and yell and cry.

~Lost and Confused~

Lady Bugs and Bears

Did you ever think that you'd met the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You know what I mean? You just know that that's what you want? I did that once. I met a guy in high school who I was so sure I was going to marry. We were going to be together forever. Then he cheated on me. And that all fell apart. Anyway, I met a guy when I got home from the Army. I was at a party with a bunch of friends, he and his friend showed up and I'm not going to lie I was amazed. He was fucken hott. My first thought. Did you ever feel like giving up would be so much easier then falling in love agian? The thing is is that he's afraid of a knock on the door. The Army, my job. I knew that this might be a problem, but I didn't think that I'd scare away an amazing guy. Someone who just get's me. I don't even know what to do at this point. I guess all the more I can do is just wait for someone to tell me something. And to just figure out where to go from there.

~Waiting and Pouting~

Me + Boys =

It seems that no matter what I do I'm destined to end up old and alone. It's almost as though no one wants me. My track record with guys sucks. I'm always the girl on the side and never the girl. I'm going to have to settle for someone who isn't anything I want just so I can get married. I mean really is there anyone out there who meets my "standards" and wants to be with me? I don't know what's so hard about all of that but I guess something must be because I don't have a boyfriend, just a bunch of guys who want to hide their girlfriends from me. IF YOU WANT ME THEN TELL ME! IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME! If you don't then please don't toy with me because I've been hurt enough.

~Confused and Hurt~