Working things out

I think things are going to be ok. The army may work out after all. Which makes me happy. I want him to understand everything. I want him to know exactly whats going on. Here's hoping that conditioning is going to go well. I love you.....

Deciding

So I talked to my boyfriend about the army. He pretty much said me or the Army. How do you decide? When someone says that I love you, but I'm not giving up my job for you, does that mean that it's pretty much over right then? How do you give something up? Comparmise is one thing. Choosing. How do you just let 3 years go? Maybe I need to though. Maybe I need to let go of this, Army thing. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel, or who to talk to about it. I thought my boyfriend and I would be able to compramise this....and work it out. But it looks like the whole thing has been thrown at my feet. 6 hours ago I was ready to enlist and go to basic, now I don't know. I don't think I can. But I don't think I can't. Break my arm or bloody my nose, but don't make me choose.

"Never have so many owed so much to so few." -Winston Churchill

It's so true. I think I owe this to my country. I think I owe this to myself. But do I do it?

To join or not to join

I met with the army recurter today. We talked about money for college and job opportunities. What he said really made an impact. I guess I had been thinking about joining before. I guess it was a hey, I'm just saying it thing. But as time went on the thought became more serious, and now they have dropped the opportunity in my lap and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I should enlist as a reservist or weather I should just drop it and hope to be admitted to the New York bar. I have always wanted to be in the J.A.G corps. But I guess I always thought that to be a dream.

I guess what I want is someones real opnion. Something more than "it's up to you." I want to hear that I'll make it and that it's a good choice. Or I don't think you'll get through basic. Someone who won't make things up or hide from you when you ask them a question. I know that my boyfriend will stand by me if I decide to do this. I know he's probably kind of in shock. I think I still am. I think I need to sleep on this and talk to some people. You know people who have been in the military. I'll sort the rest out later.......

In the end

Well, break is coming to a close. I was with my boyfriend sense weds. Tomorrow will be the first day of break I won't have spent the day with him. It hurts. I wish that things didn't have to be this way. I hate not being able to see him. He wants to live together before we get married I totally agree with that. You have to know everything about the other person. I however think that I know all of his crazy and annoying habits. So I don't think that it's anything I don't already know. I really want to get all of this college crap over so that we can be happy together.

The past couple of days were really awsome. I hope you feel that they were too......

Easter

So this is my Easter break. Nothing overly exciting has happened. Just a whole lot of cool stuff. You know....I'll have spent 5 complete days with my boyfriend by tomorrow night. And I'm going to be with him till monday. YEAH!! It's so exciting. It makes me really happy. Anyway....umm....nothing else has really happened. My life is kinda boring right now.

Sick, sick little moo cow.

My boyfriend and I went to walmart tonight. We were walking around looking at things. Well, we came across those soft pillow like deals. You know what I'm talking about. Well, they had a cow. It was so adorable so my boyfriend bought it for me. His name is Mr. Moo Cow.

Anyway, not to much has gone on sense last I blogged you all. He came back from his test and read my earlier blogg. He apologized, for what I'm not sure yet. He thinks he did really well on his test too. Which makes me really happy also.

Imperfections

I'm trying so hard to make him happy. But I fail. Everytime. Nothing is good enough, I either end up making him mad or just unhappy in the end. Why is it when I try to be a good girlfriend I end up failing. I'm not anywhere near right for him. In fact I don't really understand why he's still with me. I love him. I just suck at making that clear. I try to cuddle but I've already hurt him so it doesn't make things better. It just ends up making it worse. I don't know what else to do.......maybe just dissapearing would make things better in the long run? I guess I just don't know how to make him laugh or smile like I used to. I can't make him feel like there is nothing wrong, I can't make the world dissapear anymore. I want to make him happy, I want to make him smile, I just don't know how to anymore.....

Invisably visable

Ok, so your asking how can that possiably work? Well, I did something wrong agian...I thought I was being cute by calling my boyfriend to come get me....but he was on the phone, and I made him mad and then when I came in the room I made him more mad....So I've tried to make myself invisable so that he won't be mad anymore.....I always seem to make things bad. So I've decided to be quite and maybe that will make things ok. Maybe if I just disapeared it would make things even better. I wish I wasn't such a clutz. I should just get the hint. But I never do. If I wasn't so dumb, things would be ok......

Just Random

So, this is Easter break....YEAH NO SCHOOL!!! My boyfriends birthday was tuesday. He's 19. It's crazy to think that he'll be 20 next year. So for my Easter I came to spend a couple of days with him.... Yeah.

I was talking with a friend of mine over dinner and she said that it's unfair for me to have to wait for the next 7-10 years to get married. Although, it doesn't matter.

Ummm...I don't really know if there is anything else that I wanted to say.....hmmm....if I think of anything....I'll be back later.

Prom dresses

So I went shopping today, in Erie at Davids Bridal, and I found my prom dress. It's a white satin chiffon. Its got a star overlay. With glitter. It's so beautiful. Everyone thinks so at least. I hope my boyfriend will think so. I totally love it. It's the most perfect dress I've ever seen. I wish I could show the whole world, but I can't I don't want my boyfriend to find out what it looks like.

I tried on 4 yesterday, and found one that I liked. But then I tried on 6 more today and absoulty loved it when I saw it. I hope my boyfriend thinks I'm drop dead georgeous. (*crosses fingers*)

A whole lot of yelling

I was at a friends house today. Well, long story short they ended up getting into a fight and yelling at each other. Well, I was scared and he wasn't yelling at me. I don't think that my boyfriend would ever yell at me like that. At least I hope he wouldn't. I'm afraid to make him that mad. I never want to see him that angry. I want him to love me as deeply as he has these last three years, forever. But how do you insure that you never make someone that mad? How do you know that that person, will never lash out a hit you or abuse you? I guess you can't. I know. i just hope that he will always love me as much as he does right now. And that I never hurt him. At least on purpose.

I guess that bringing up marriage and engagement doesn't make things any better. I could see why he would never want to marry me. I would drive him nuts. I don't think he could stand to live with me for the rest of my life. I don't know how he can stand to be with me now. I don't know why he hasn't left me for someone who won't bring it up. Who won't drive him nuts about stuff like that. I don't know how that doesn't make him so mad at me. Sometimes it feels like he is though. Sometimes it feels like he's so mad that no matter what I talk about he'll yell.

Love will get you through.

I lost my boyfriend

Ok, so I didn't really lose him persay. He's not answering my calls. It' so sad. :(

Anyway, today went well. I had an ok day. I'm going prom dress shopping with my friend tomorrow. It should be good fun.

Bow tie or tie?

So I have a friend who suspects that she's pregnant. Well, she wont take the test and she says she won't give up her pain meds. So she's pretty much decided to have an abortion. Because she doesn't want to tell people and deal with her mistake. How utterly retarded can you be? I don't honestly know. You know? I know the title is totally off task but look at the next paragraph it'll all make sense:

So what do all you people in out there land think? Bow Tie? Or Tie? I myself like Tie. I think my boyfriend looks hotter in a Tie, though he likes the Bow Tie. He says when we get married he's getting a Bow Tie. How upsetting. I think he's sexier in a Tie. You know? I wish he would understand that. Bow Tie's are not his thing......I think a Tie Tie is. You know what I mean? Who denys a man in a tie......hmmmm.....only a Tie.......

Engagment rings and condoms

So my boyfriend of 3 years isn't ready for the next step. Anyone out there in the same situation? I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why he isn't sure, or doesn't want to make that commitment to me. 3 years. He says that he's sure about me, but that he's not ready for the next step. What have I been doing wrong? I'm starting to wonder if he really wants me, what, or if, he really thinks of me. Does he really see me as the beautiful person he keeps saying he does? Or is he just saying it? Does he really see himself spending the rest of his life with me? Or am I agian wrong?Or does he want someone else, but he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? So many questions and just no answers. When I ask him why he feels that way he just says that he's not ready for that yet. I know that we're only 18, but I've never been more sure of something in my life. But I'm starting to wonder. Questions keep seeping into my mind and answers are locked up out of sight and reach. I think I've come to this point in my life where I feel like, I'll just always be the girlfriend. I'll never be the wife or mother, or anything else. We'll never live together. It'll always just be the way it is now.

I don't know if an internship has anything to do with it either. Is he just trying to get away from me. Does he want time alone? Does he wish that I would just dissapear? He gave me a promise ring, I'm starting to question if I should wear it anymore. I'm am overweight, not that much though, tall 5'6 or 5'7, I don't really find myself attractive, I'm not good enough either. I wish I could be it the one. I wish that I could make him sure of me, of us. But I can't do that either. So I'm a no good, good for nothing girlfriend. So there looks like there is no engagment ring anywhere in my future at all.

Talent take 2

Today was the last day of my school talent show. THANK GOD!! I don't think I could take another day. It annoys me to have to preform for people who take us for granted. On the other hand Jon takes us for granted and he's in the band.

I also think that I'm feeling more comfortable about San Francisco. I guess I was, well, I was more up-set that no one talked to me about it. I guess, I really just want to talk things out like a couple should. I want to be a part of my boyfriends life. Cuze whether he wants me to be or not I already am. It's been 3 years I think I'm ready to start talking things out and making collective decisions. I think it's important in all relationships.

San Fransisco

So you think that when someone doesn't get something so far away, they might give up. But apparently not. Going to Washington State. Now it's just 5 weeks in San Fransisco. Ok, I'll make it I'm sure. I'm not important to you or anyone. So of course I'll make it. I'll be totally crushed, but if it makes you happy sure, why not go for it. I wish I knew what to say to make you understand why it hurts me so much, but I can't find the words to make that work so I guess you'll go and I'll survive with or without you. And yet in the end I'm the only one who knows what I feel and how it feels. So while everyone pretends to understand it's all one big lie. So while everyone pretends to be happy, my heart is bleeding and broken because no one understands or asks why I feel the way I do.

Talent

I just got home from my school's talent show. I play in the Jazz band. We just happen to be the first act of the entire show. It's really awsome. I stayed and watched the whole show tonight. It was really really great. I wish that there were things that I could have done in it. This is the first year that I've participated in the talent show. I guess I never really had the talent. But you know. In the Jazz band I play the clarinet, for Basen Street Blues (plus I have a solo) and the tenor sax, for Lucretia McEvil. I really like being able to play my clarinet and my sax. It gets me really excited.

Shopping in the Snow

My friend Debbie and I were suppost to go shopping for my prom dress today, but the weather was really bad, so we ended up just shopping on-line. Well, more like just looking on-line. I found a lot of them that were ok, some that were awsome, and some that were just awful. My boyfriend reserved his tux today. A black suit with a black vest and a windsor tie. He's going to look so HOTT!! I love the way he looks in a tie. He'd look really good in nothing but a tie. But that'll never happen. Anyway.......

So later I went to my bestfriends boyfriends talent show. It was ok. But concidering that I have to be in my schools talent show tomorrow. I really don't want anything more to do with talent shows. You know what I mean. I hate them. I never go to them to begin with. Oh well that's what I get for signing up with the Jazz band. Anyway......

I'M GOING TO BED!!!!

Happen'n

So today went well. School was alright. And I had a doctors appointment, they said that I can do everything! And that I'm healing perfectly!! Yeah!! Ummm....what else? I went to work...that went really well. I really like working there. It's not a lot of hours or anything but it's ton's o' fun! I guess not to much else happened today. I went tanning. That was awsome. I'm going agian. I just don't know when yet.

Plans

So I guess things just arn't going to go my way. First surgery, then my 6 year old niece dies, and now I'm not allowed to be with my boyfriend, who goes to Penn State. I just wanted to spend a couple of hours with him Friday. Well my family did. He's been in town for almost a week and I haven't seen him once. I guess, I've never been good enough. Nor will I ever. I don't understand. I've I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't make him happy all the time like I used to. I can't make him smile like I used to. I'm not good enough. I don't know. I don't know why he stays with me. I can't see how he loves me. I'm not enough. Nor will I ever be. I wish I could be though.

Days

I guess the last few days have been ruff. I'm still not completly ok. But I'm working on it. Eating has become more normal, but not complete. Sleep is getting back to a usual pattern. I don't know. I know things will get back to being ok. My sister is going to come home for a few days in a couple of days. I just wish the hard days would go by. You know?

Calling

Today was calling. It was so different to see her just laying without her machines and tubes. To see her peaceful for the first time in her life. It was difficult. It didn't look like her. She never just laid still, she was always moving. I wrote something to put with her. From me you know. Just a little note. I will, when I graduate give my nhs cords to Steph. Makalia was so looking forward to being there. I don't know what to give her. I don't know. I just want her to look like her agian. You know. I'm done now.

Makalia

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005, at the age of 6 my neice Makalia died at 4:17 p.m. after an extended illness. It's hard to look at her chair and her room, to see pictures. In fact I wonder if I even want to have kids. I know that I don't have the SMA (spinal muscular attrophie) gene. The gene or not, do I want to risk losing my own son or daughter? Could I? I don't think I would be able to deal with it. I've had a hard enough time dealing with losing her. I look at the pictures and hope to hear her call me. I know that her wheel chair is sitting in her room. Her little shoes sitting on the foot rest. I wish I could have done something more. I wish I could have done more with her. I wish I could have been there more and seen her more. But I guess it's to late for the I wish, I want, I could haves. It's time to just think about what I did do, what time we had together. All the long walks to the bus station and then waiting for her to get on the bus, getting her chair all strapped down. I guess I don't want to think or feel anything right now. I just want to hold my dasies and go to bed.