All the days before

I give up. He read my blogg yesterday, which I didn't expect. But aside from that I didn't want to start anything either. I just needed to vent and let some things out to feel better. And of course I'm just jumping into things and all this crap. I just needed to let it out and vent, but I have done nothing but caused problems. I don't think that I'm blaming anything on anything or anyone inparticular. But I must be. He doesn't want me to change or be anything that I'm not. But when anytime you talk about something, that your passionate about, how do you not get crushed when someone continually tells you no, or not yet. It's not the no or not yet, it's getting yelled at or making him mad, that has made me decide that it's not worth talking about. I understand it's his decision, his choice. I can live with that. Maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. I just want to be loved. It's not about jumping into anything, I want to be loved and cared for. I wish that I could explain how I feel. I wish I knew how to put everything into words.

He who is not impatient is not in-love. –Italian Proverb

Greatest tragedy in life is not that men parish, but that they cease to love. –W. Somerset Maugham

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we dream we can play together all night long. –Bill Waterson

Absence from who we love is worse than death. –William Cowper

Alone in the group

I went shopping today with my friend. It was fun. We went to the mall and then to wal-mart. Nothing really happened. We just kind of walked around. Then she came over and we watched a movie. That was fun to. But this has nothing to do with the title.

So we watched "The Princess Diaries, Royal Engagment." And of course you understand the title it explains a lot about the movie. I guess, I've just started to feel so alone in a group. It doesn't seem to matter. All of my friends are pregnant, or engaged or both. Ever where I look people are getting married or engaged. I guess I just feel, by myself. I don't want to bring it up. I don't want to upset anyone, especially my boyfriend. He says he's not ready, so I guess he isn't. There is no point in it. I want so badly to start some part of my life. Seeing as the rest of my life is ending, I want something exciting and something that I want to happen to happen. My whole life is pretty much coming to a complete stop. I have nothing to look forward to. Not really. I don't really feel like there is any hope for anything exciting, or romantic to happen. I can only wish. I don't want to feel alone, I want to feel like a part of the group agian.

Fun Free Friday

So, I passed my ecology final. YEAH.

Nothing has really been going on. I've been sleeping, I've been having a hard time doing that latley. I had horrible cramps last night. Nothing I did would make it stop. So I had to take some tylenol. I just feel really crappy.

I think that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I'll be a girlfriend, for a long time. Sometimes, I wish that I could be something more. But I guess, I finally just relized that that wouldn't be happening anytime soon.

Lost in the world

So I'm a senior, I only have to go to school for finals. It's so very strange. I feel like I'm skipping school. I graduate next friday. My whole life is gone. Everything is over, and nothing will ever be the same agian. :( It's so sad. Mr. Cope and Mr. Lane made me cry yesterday. I don't want to go. I don't want to graduate. It's sad. At least I think it is. Anyway........I'm going to go look over Ecology. BAH

Camp sweet camp

So my friend Elonda came over today, and we're camping. While yes, it only is in my back yard, we have it set up just like a camp site. It's so much fun. We have a tent and a tarp over it. We made hot dogs and we are going to have smores and make hot coco. We have collected a ton of fire wood. And it's going to be great!!! Some time this summer we are going to get a real camp site and do it for real for a couple of days. See, I am used to camping, but I'm used to trailer camping. Not tenting. I think that we work really well together, and that's what makes this so much fun. HURAH!!!!

I only have 1 day of school left in my entire high school career! It's kinda of exciting, but it's kind of sad. A lot of the teachers are going to give us a final "pep-talk". Mr. Cope is going to teach us how to tie a full windsor knot. While that doesn't seem exciting. It kind of is. I'm really sad to say good bye to all my high school friends. I really think that I'll miss Debbie the most. She is like my twin sister. She has had the most profound impact on my life. I remember walking into Mr. Reynolds Advisory Class the first day of seventh grade and sitting down next to her. Because we are in alphabetical order. Nellis, Neu. I will get to graduate along side one of my closest and best friends. How many people can say that? I don't think that I would be the person I am today if I hadn't met her. It really up-sets me that she's going to a college half way across the state and I am stuck here. I wish that I could go with her. I know there are so many good times ahead, I just don't want to do them alone........

Graduation day

So seniors only have 3 days left. YAH. NO!!! It makes me sad. I don't know what to do. Monday is my last day. Finals are next week. Then the week after that is graduation.

Other than that nothing really has happened. I know I know.......I'm lame....

OH CANADA

I spent the last 3 days in another country. It was so awsome. The trip started with getting up at 4 a.m. and getting on a tour bus for about 5 and a half hours. Followed by getting a tour of Toronto. And then dinner and then the musical Mama Mia. It was so totally awsome.

Day two we spent eating breakfast and bording the bus to go to the musesume. And then lunch at the hard rock, overlooking the Rogers center. Casa Loma, (house on the hill for you non spanish speakers) and a mediveal dinner, and dance. I even made "prom" court. Didn't get elected queen. I missed by one. :( Is ok though.

Day three was kind of sad. (Today) We got up had breakfast and then headed out to Nigria Falls, a ride on the maid of the mist, then lunch and off to home. I had an awsome.

I really missed my boyfriend the whole time. I didn't realize how much until I looked at his picture for the first time in three days. That made me really sad to relize that I hadn't had time to stop and look at his pictures. But I got him a present.

I bought so much stuff. Tons O' Tee shirts. Shot glasses, shooters and a minuture beer mug. It's frosted glass with both flags on it. I took so many pictures. I have like 5 camera's. I'm so excited. WOOOOOOO!!!

GO ELEPHANTS.

Heart breaking

Why some people get the shaft, and why some get lucky. Why some people have money and some don't. This leaves me broken hearted. I myself have been fortunate. We have money, no I'm not rich, but we have enough. And I don't think I've gotten the shaft with parents or friends. My boyfriend however, he has been shafted and never enough money. While that isn't his fault, no one thinks ahead. While I think I'm slowly getting to the point where I don't care if we get married or not. (*any time soon that is*). I often wonder if the reason he's so, apprehensive about getting married is his family life. No one has ever really spent anytime making him feel special, buying him cool things, you know stuff that kids like. He just gets the brunt of all the yelling and screaming. I want him to see that I'm not his parents, that I'm not his family. I'm, almost an outsider looking in. Except I'm his girlfriend. I love him, and nothing could change that. I guess being married isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. I just want to be with him. And if that means that I'll just be the girlfriend for the next 15 years, as hard as that may be, I'll be there. We've gotten through so much together that nothing could tear us apart. (*well maybe one thing.......MY NOSE*) That was for you babe. I hope your smiling. :)

You are the only man in my life. And you know that. Yes, you have made some mistakes, and so have I. Some of your's may have been worse than some of mine, and some of mine worse than some of yours. Nothing breaks my heart more, than to see you hurt. You know that if you need me, I'm here. I always will be here, I care about you.

OH BABY

Today, May 10, 2005 my band director had his second child. His first is a girl, Abby. And his second and new baby, is a boy, Nathan Michael. How adorable is that?

Other than that not to much is going on....I'm going to the special olympics tomorrow. And then our band trip to Toronto. HOW GREAT IS THAT?? WOOOT

Prom

So last night was my Senior Prom. The day started with a tan and work. I got off of work at noon. I went and picked up my mom and we went and picked up our truck. After that I went to my friend Kari's house to get ready. Her aunt did my hair and make-up. At about four I went home to wait for my date. He he he, my boyfriend. (He goes to Penn State, and had a final yesterday morning at 10:10. So he had to book it to get here.) (He came home got his hair cut, took a shower, got dressed and came to my house.) Our parents took pictures. Then we left to go to dinner in my truck. Dinner was really good. We went to the Air Port in Franklin. We were a little late to prom about 20 minutes. But it was ok. The recieving line was still there and everything was fine. I had a really good time. He made the night perfect. A lot of dancing and talking with friends and it was just so much fun. After we went to Erin's for her party. That was also fun. But I was.....there is no words for how tired I was. I'm sure you all know how that feels. I'm so ready for a nap......

That's my final answer

My boyfriend has finals this week. He's been studing all day and really hard. And I think he's going to do really well. At least I hope he does. I take that back, he will. Anyway, it hurts that he doesn't have a lot of time. But I know that he has to study. It will be ok, it just hurts.

I went to the movies with my friends today. We saw the Amityville Horror. It was ok. It was more gorr than horror, or scary. You know what I mean?

My sister got this letter from Who's Who. She only has a 1.9 GPA. I have a 3.8.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR......I hate people.