Sweet Glorious Day

I went to my Theory class today and skipped English. The only reason I went to theory is because I had a test. I wasn't even suppost to be in Theory.

I went and picked up my Prescriptions today. Ammoxicilin and some pain med. OH MY! They took care of the pain all right! I feel so much better. The only thing is, is that they make me sleepy! I'm so tired right now.

Ken had to work tonight. I miss him. I didn't get a chance to even tell him that I love him today. That kind of makes me mad, and sad, and cranky. I know it's not his fault, he's really busy on days he has to work. I just miss him.

~Missing My Main Man~

Farengitis

Like I have been saying for the last couple of days that I have been feeling really sick. So I went to the emergency room today and discovered that I had farengitis. And an Ear infection. So I have to go and get my antibiotics tomorrow, and go to class.

I told you all that I read to the tape recorder and listened to it. I figured it would help. Well it didn't. Not at all. I thought that I had done a really good job on this one. Nope a big fat 40%. I don't know what else to do. I guess I need to talk to the teacher tomorrow, and see what I can do. I'm really trying. I'm going to kick myself. RRRRRRRRRR.........

~Sick and Tired~

A Realization

I don't pay enough attention to my work. I'm going to though. I'm going to record myself reading my history book. Each week. I'm going to spend more time on my math. I'm going to get serious. I think I've been playing a game. I need to get serious. I need to live in a dorm room. That would be serious.

I took some excedrin and I feel a little better. My chest is still full of crap and garbage. You know how that goes.

~SWEEPY TIME~

Feeling Off

I woke up this morning and seriously thought I was dying. My chest hurts, it's so full of snot and garbage. I can't cool off. And I'm wearing anything that would make me so hot. Every time I cough my spinal cord hurts and my chest throbs. I'm coughing up all this crap.

I finished reading to the recorder and I took a nap this afternoon for 3 hours and listened to it. I'm hoping it will help. I can listen to it when ever I need to now, so it should help. I have to read for Lit and my paper is due Thursday.

I've been in an off mood all day. And I don't know why. I just wish I could feel better.

Honey I love you! I hope your day is going well. I know you had to go to all kinds of meetings today. I hope that they all went well. :)

~Pain~

Chest Pain and Sleep

I'm so tired and I don't know why. I slept almost all of today. I'm feeling really crappy.

I was reading to a tape recorder today, hopefully listening to this will help me remember what happened and such.

I guess that's about all for now.

~Tired and Chest Pain~

Exploding Ears

I know you are all going what the hell does that mean? So let me tell you. You all remember when I told you that I had ustation tube disfunction? Well I took a nap today and my left ear drum burst because of the presure that had built up in it. The doctor told me it should heal normally. And I should be fine. So now it's time to wait for the right one to pop! :) I hope soon. I want to feel better.

My little told me that if she doesn't get a good grade on her homework asignment for tomorrow her mom is going to pull her out of the program. I guess I will have to see what happens.

Class' are going better. I have a math test tomorrow. We will see how that goes. Though I must say that I think I will be alright. I studied and everything. I'm hoping my boyfriend will have time to explain it tomorrow. Other than 2 things I feel ready. I really do!

I went out with a friend I graduated with lastnight and her car broke down!

~Tired and In Pain~

Country Fair

You all remember back in the day when I told you I applied for a bunch of jobs? I got my second call back today. I'm really worried about not having time for school if I get a job along with taking my little out. Its really important that I take her out everyweek for 3-4 hours. I don't know what to do. BAH!

On the other hand my boyfriend has his first day today! I haven't talked to him for all of 5 minutes today. So I don't know how it went. I can't wait to find out though! :) I'm so excited for him. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU BABE!

I was talking to my friend Kari today about backpacking in Europe and what would be fun to do on a honeymoon. (If we get married and don't join a convent first! Yeah don't worry that won't happen!) We were talking about going to Europe and how much fun it would be to backpack through Europe. What it would be like to go to French. (That's France) and Spanish and German and Italian. And go to a nude beach. ( :) ) If not backpacking then staying in hotels and to stay like a week in France and Spain and Germany. It would be so much fun! I don't know Kari and I are pretty funny! :)

~Sleepy~

History Class

I've discovered that history is turning out to be my worst nightmare. I'm literally failing a class. Me the 3.81 student that I am. This isn't happening to me. I don't understand. I'm trying really hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ken says if I fail then I can just take it agian next semester. He wouldn't accept that for himself I don't know why he thinks it's ok for me.....he confuses me sometimes! :) I love you anyway babe!

If I don't get my head on straight, he might have to support his college failure of a girlfriend/fiance/wife. I may never be a lawyer. Let's just face it. :'(

~Failure~

My Life, My Choice

I have a little history homework left and I can't seem to remember if the ten math problems are due tomorrow or if they are due wednesday. I guess I'll do them tomorrow before class or tomorrow night.

I was eating brunch today and we starting talking about marriage and kids. My one friend thinks her friends who are married and have kids are wrong. Some people can manage to balance school and marriage. I don't agree but I don't disagree either. I think people should whatever is right for them. If someone wants to get married and not go to college, or get married and go to school then what does it matter to anyone else? I have a lot of personal goals to achieve, before and after I get married. I think what really struck my nerve is that she said wait till you graduate and then when you go to grad school Ken can support you. It's not the waiting till I graduate undergrad it's that people think that Ken is going to support me. I don't want that. I want to always be able to rely on myself. Why should I expect him to support me? Why should he have to?

Anyone have an opnion on this?

~Sleepy~

Snot

Well, I officially have so much snot in my head that I can feel it move. I know how gross! Nothing to much has happened this weekend. I just hung out and ate cake!

I guess that's about it. :)

~Snotty~

Breathing, Who Needs it Anyway?

As of late, I can't breath and am so conjusted that I feel like my head is going to explode. But I am in Penn State this weekend! So I guess it'll be ok.

I spent about an hour bawling my eyes out. I don't know how to explain it but I know Matt will understand. Two words......My Dad.

My life has been so boring as of late. Nothing is really going on. I don't hang out with friends anymore and I don't do anything either. I guess I've become withdrawn and anti social. Oh well, I guess if people want to get to know me they can talk to me first.

I'm so tired. I feel like my body is just going to give out. I'm not sure what to do. I think I'm just going to lay down and pray that I will fall asleep.

~Tired and Blank~

Topic

I need a topic for my persuasive essay. I want it to be something good. I'm not sure what to do it on.

I think aside from my surgery, I think this is the worst I've ever felt. I had to take 6 tylenol and 2 midol to stop the pain. I've never felt so bad. I don't honestly think I ever have.

I'm going to take my boyfriend a computer monitor tomorrow.

I'm so discusted with myself. I'm so fat and gross.

~Gross~

So Sick

I have never been so sick. Well that may not be true. My ear's hurt. I can feel the tube in my right ear. It burns the whole way down, and it itches in the back of my throat. My head hurts. I'm congested. I'm in all round bad shape. And that's no joke.

~Sick~

Ruined it Agian

Once agian I've ruined my boyfriends life. I wanted to go and get a computer monitor for him. And he called his mom and asked if I could come get it and she yelled at him for 5 minuets. And it's all my fault. I can't do anything right for him. I wish I was a good girlfriend. I wish I could make him happy, and do everything I should. He was having a good day and I ruined it. I wish someone could just shoot me or something and then he wouldn't have to worry ab0ut me annoying him or making him mad at me.

~Hate myself~

The Plan

So I have decided that what I am doing for my history class just isn't working. But I also figured out that if I can get a couple of 100%'s then I will raise it quickly and drasticly. So this is the plan. I'm going to read the chapter early. And then reread it before I go to class and face the quiz. I'm hoping it will keep everything fresh in my mind. And help me to focus more. ***Crosses fingers***

Today would have been my daddy's birthday so I want to sing...I don't care what you all think...

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear daddy.
Happy birthday to you.

Sadie is singing with me. Just for you. <3

I have two cats sitting on the floor looking at me. I think they might be hungry. So off to feed them....kitty....kitty....

~Unsure~

So Stupid

I got another bad grade in history. I cannot figure out why. I'm trying really hard. So I still have a bad grade in history. I need to be shot. I hate myself. What when I think I do good do I fail? Why am I such a falure? I don't know what I'm doing. I just need to die.

~Depressed and Stupid~

Drained

I feel so empty. So unwanted and unneeded. I don't know why. I just do. It's probably just pms. I'm really tired to. I think I need a change of clothes, and a quick snack and bed.

~Alone~

Head Over Heels

I got my schedule changed. I now have 2 classes Tuesday, Thursday and 3 Monday, Wenesday, Friday. I think the seperation will help me to calm myself and not to be so stressed out.

I "realized" (if you can call it that) that I'm totally head over heels. I knew that. My mind knew, my body knew. But I don't think my brain was quite in alinement. You know? I get this weird warm feeling in my body when I "realize" something. But I kind of like it. I love my boyfriend so much. He makes me so happy. And we can talk about everything. He's my bestfriend. :)

Enrique Iglesias -
Hero Lyrics Let me be your hero,

Would you dance,
if I asked you to dance?
Would you run,
and never look back?
Would you cry,
if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Would you tremble,
if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die,
for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear,
that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just wanna to hold you.
I just wanna to hold you.
Oh yeah.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care...
You're here, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.

And I will stand by you, forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.

~In love~

Bye Bye Stress

So I have decided that I cannot handle the load of History 600 and Political Processes 200 back to back. I'm going to drop my PS class tomorrow. And get a gym or computer or science class of some kind. I just really want to be sure I'm not by 4 everyday. Like usual. It makes life easy. I can get out and start homework, get to band practice and such and take Josie around. It makes my life so much less stressful. I hope that this will help to make things less stressful.

Thank you baby. For making me feel better. And telling me you think I need to cut back on this. And take something else maybe. I love you for being supportive, and helping me and listening to my crazy antic's! :) I love you so much.

~Happier~

Death by College

I do ALL the homework. NO LIES involved here. I go to class take a stupid quiz and never do well. What most people reading this are thinking is it happens to the best of us sometimes. I know that when we get into things that I accually know I'll do better, or at least I hope. I don't fail at school. School was the one thing I was always good at. I graduated like 35 of 191 seniors with a 3.81 and national honor society. Now I'm getting back quiz scores that suck. I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard. I think I know what I'm doing. I think I understand and then **poof** I don't. I just don't know what to do. It's history, it's political sciences and I'm good at both one of those is my major. And I'm doing majorly bad in them. Well I have as of right now a 20% in history and a 90% in ps. But the quizes today shouldn't be all to helpful. The lowest 2 scores in each class get dropped. But it won't help if they are all bad. I try so hard. I really am. I really feel like I'm giving this my best effort. And I'm getting nothing out of it.

~Sad and depressed~

Songs

Eleanor Rigby- Beetles

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely peopleWhere do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Father mckenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working.
darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody cameFather mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Hey Jude- Beetles

Hey jude, don’t make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, don’t be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.
And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, don’t let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.
So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
You’re waiting for someone to perform with.
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey jude, you’ll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, don’t make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you’ll begin to make it
Better better better better better better,
oh.
Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude...

I think these are two of my favorite songs.

"The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like
I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place"

I guess I've kind of hit a low point. I told you all that my boyfriend and I got into a fight, but I guess I shouldn't want him to pay so much attention to me. I just like to talk to him, and feel like I'm close to him. I'm trying really hard to back off. In fact I barely talked to him today. I don't want to bother him. I just don't want him to forget I exsist. And I asked him to help me with my math, and I know he was annoyed that I wasn't understand one of the problems. I mean it took me forever to finally realize what I was suppost to do. I don't like being dumb at math. I hate being inferior to everyone else. I know it's not his fault he's a genius. Sometimes I just wish I was just as smart so I wouldn't have to look like an idiot in front of him. I'm afraid he's getting annoyed with me. I don't think he wants me to apply to Penn State anymore. Once upon a time he wanted me to live in his single and now he says that I shouldn't, because we'd drive eachother nuts. I'm not sure how I feel. He said he thinks that we might be to used to eachother. :'(

~Crying and afraid~

Paper

I got home from Penn State today. I got home around 5:30. I had a really great weekend. We played games and hung out. Any best of all my boyfriend and I cuddled A LOT! I really missed him. I had a really good birthday.

He's having a really hard time. I told you all how his dad told his mom. I understand that he's having a hard time trusting people. Someone did something, this person did this, and he doesn't trust himself. He's always had a hard time trusting people. I guess it just sucks that I have worked so hard to be the one he could confide in, to be someone he could talk to and now it's all been distroyed. I guess it's back to block one, and you know what I'm cool with that. :) We had a kind of "heart to heart."

Honey: I love you so much. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always stand behind you and love you. I know sometimes we get irratated and annoyed. I know sometimes I do things you don't like and sometimes you do things I don't like. I think we need to be more open with eachother, like we used to be. I think we have tryed to just make eachother happy instead of talking to eachother. I know we were kind of in a ruff spot. But I think that things are ok now....at least I hope they are. I love you so much. If you don't want me to come and visit or if you don't want me to apply. Please tell me, you seem so stand-offish about the topic. I love you. I hope your week is better than last. <3

In other news, my ears are still driving me nuts. Oh well, I think it's just going to make my ears explode and then everything will be ok. But then I guess I couldn't hear. Oh well, guess you can't have both! :)

~MORE LATER~

Yelling and Screaming

Nothing truly eventful has been going on. I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and friends. We have been playing games and such. We got into a huge fight the other night. But I think we are alright now. He is having a trust problems because of his father's distrust. I'm alright with that though. He will come around eventually. He has been having some bad days.

My one friend here is having trouble with her boyfriend. I guess he's not the worlds best guy. But I can't form any opnion until I meet him. I guess he's alright in person, but he's a "girl" on the internet. I don't know yet.

Oh I had a really good birthday. I like people. My one friend gave me a shirt that said I (HEART) my geek. I have to go home tomorrow. I'm not sure when I'll get to come back over. I will make it though.

I will leave you with his thought......

DICKS ARE FOR CHICKS!

~MORE LATER~

So I Went

So my boyfriend decided to get his head out of his ass. So I decided to come. It's my birthday tomorrow and I wanted to have some fun. I pay 11 dollars for 1/4 of a tank of gas! can anyone say BULLSHIT?!?!?! I can't believe I'm going to be 19 in like 45 minuets. How silly is that? Anyway.

I know I started to rant yesterday but I feel that way. No one has the right to complain until something worse happens. I feel like while my life may not have gone completley my way I am very lucky. I don't think that I have any right or means to complain about my life or situations. I but heads with people about stuff. But I don't complain that I'm in a bad place or that my life is so bloody terriable that I don't want to live anymore.

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this cold dark hotel room
And the end is less that you fear
You were pulled from the wreckage of your silent realrie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here.......

~MORE LATER~

Do I Bother To Finish Packing?

I am suppost to be going to see my boyfriend and all my friends in Penn State this weekend. But as of late, it seems like I'm not wanted there. So now it's my decision as to whether I go or not. My plans of having a great birthday, have gone to hell in a hand basket. So do I stay home and help my mom with her comp homework, or do I go and see everyone anyway? I guess I could always stay in one of my other friends rooms. They seem to want to see me.

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckageOf your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here


It seems so weird to me to know that my neice has been gone for 6 months. That a child so small could hold so much love. And yet people of all walks of life hold grudges, yell get mad and say all kinds of mean things to eachother. It's sad that it took a 6 year old to teach me that life is more than just getting up and going to school and going to bed. If anyone had room to bitch and complain it was her. She weighed 31 pounds dressed braces and all. She had people try to come and take her away from her parents. She had to sleep with a feeding tube and live with a wheelchair. And do you think I ever once heard that child say why me? Why do I have to be like this? No I never did. She lived each day like she had no other. Let me explain something to you people. Kids who have "problems" see the beauty in everything. When I saw her, I saw NO chair. I saw her "legs". So you know what. Maybe we need to take a lesson from those who can't and those who don't know. Because they truly are the only people who give a damn about anyone else.

~MORE LATER~