No, China.....

I had an amazing time at IUP. I made a bunch of new friends, ton's of calls and lots and lots of time spent laughing. It was great. Plus Myth Busters was awsome. It was just an amazing time. I got all the girls to sign my shirt, plus phone numbers and im names.

I haven't been sleeping to much over the last couple of days so I came home ate dinner and crashed. Prom is Friday so I'm trying to get all ready for that. I have my jewlery. My dress is almost done. Eh, that's all I got for now.....

~Radio~

AAA

I locked my keys in my car. How funny is that? Well I think it's really funny. Debbie and I sat on the trunk of my car. We named the tow truck guy Jim Towtrcmn. He was nice and took a picture. Yea, and I never want to have my blood pressure taken again.

~Silly~

Waffles

It has been an interesting day. I woke up and took my sister to school, came home and went back to sleep thinking that I would wake up around 10 or 11. I however did not wake up until I got a phone call at 2:15. I didn't realize that my body was that exhausted. Oh well, I'm taking a friend to Edinboro college tomorrow. I picked Josie up today and then went to my sister's. It was a good day all round. I need to get to sleep. Night night

~Dreaming~

Sad

Today was the last day of my freshmen year. I didn't think I'd be sad to see it go, but all my friends are heading back to there houses and towns and I guess the worst part is that some of them are going to other campus' next year. I know it's going to be ok, I just have to remember that most of them are coming back. I'm also rooming with Allie next semester.

On a positive note, it was my last day. I took my last finals and I feel so odd. I have nothing to do, no homework, no tests to study for, nothing to read.....sweet freedom. If anyone want's to hang out then I'm totally down with that. I'm going to see Debbie this Friday, I'm so glad that this Friday is almost here. I need some serious "twin" time. I need to get my jewlery for prom. Which is next friday. Wow things are happening so quickly. I'm kind of really excited though. :) It's going to be a lot of fun.

~Pumped~

Bad Thing?

I have been looking at this photograph listening to "Till We Reach The Circles End" wondering if it's a bad thing that we get toss about lost and broken. I think this photograph mean's something, in context with the music. Look at it, the ship is obviously being tossed about, maybe not so lost but defiantly broken. The lighthouse is standing strong, leading it away from danger. Aren't we all at the "mercy of the sea?" (The "sea
representing life) Don't we all wander, and get lost? But the "Lighthouse" is always there. It doesn't have to be a lighthouse, a bestfriend, or maybe a teddy bear. The fact is that they or it is always there when you need them. Right? I've been feeling rather tossed about lately. And my "lighthouse" has been standing strong for me. I think that everyone has something that keeps them going, if we didn't then wouldn't we all be dead? I've always thought of myself as a positive stand on the bright side of things kind of person. I mean I have my bad days and weeks, we all do. But for the most part you don't hear me complain about to much, or over worry about things. My maxim "things will work out, if not today then tomorrow, live one day at a time." I try to live my life by that. No matter how angry or "lost" I am. No matter how much I want something now. My mom says "don't be greedy." If it's ment to be it will work out. We all have some instinctual sense that keeps us forging ahead. No matter how stressful, no matter how much we hate it, no matter how much we don't want to let go. Life is ever evolving and we all just have to go with it. I think that's what this photograph is saying to me. That it can be bad but the sky will clear up and things can only get better.

~Contemplative~

When You Come Back

http://www.angelfire.com/ga/sweetgeorgiapeach/comeback.html

(Click Here to listen)

When You Come Back To Me Again

Garth Brooks

There's a ship out

On the ocean

At the mercy of the sea

It's been tossed about

Lost and broken

Wandering aimlessly

And God somehow

You know that ship is me

'Cause there's a lighthouse

In the harbour

Shining faithfully

Pouring its light out

Across the water

For this sinking soul to see

That someone out there

Still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

There's a moment

We all come to

In our own time and

Our own space

Where all that we've done

We can undo

If our heart's

In the right place

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

And again I see

My yesterday's in front of me

Unfolding like a mystery

You're changing all that is

And used to be

On a prayer, in a song

I hear your voice and

It keeps me hanging on

Raining down

Against the wind

I'm reaching out till

We reach the circle's end

When you come

Back to me again

When you come

Back to me again

I heard this song a long time ago, and it just seems to fit.

~Wandering Aimlessly~

Antiques

My mom know's that I've been kind of in a rut latley, between school and boys and studying for finals I've been overly stressed out. ( I took my Afro-American History final today and let me just say that I think it went over extremely well!) Well anyway I went t0 my sister's band concert and then we went shopping at the Antique mall and we were looking through the cases and we ran across an antique clarinet, you know the metal kind that's all in one piece minus the mouth piece. It was only 76 dollars! Can you imagine? It needs some serious cleaning but other than that it appears to be in amazing condition. :) I also got a key board, from walmart, so I don't have to worry about always having the lap top right in front of me. Makes it nice. Anyway, I'm going to go clean my new play toy!

~Excited~

Alone In The World

Did you ever feel like you were alone in the world? My little sister is out with her friends tonight, I'm home, and not because I want to be. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel like I'm being abandoned all over again. All my friends from school are going home, my friends from high school are still at school and I'm single. Anyone of those things alone would be ok, but they all happened at once. I hung out with my sister and some of our friends yesterday, I usually don't hang out with her and our friends, it causes weirdness sometimes. Anyway one of them was like it's weird that your hanging out, but I guess it's ok. I want things to go back to the way they were. I'm stuck at home, not because I don't have a car, or a ride, but because there is no one to hang out with. I feel like I have no friends. I have guys who found out I was single and instantly started trying to get into my pants. *Shakes head* Why do people look at me as a sex object? Why does no one see my mind or my opnions? My goals? There is more to me. So once again I feel alone. I would like to lose this little storm cloud over my head, but I'm always so damn cheery and happy, I think for once in my life I should get to be miserable. I don't like that when it's quite the memories seep in. I cry myself to sleep every night. I want to hate people, I want to be so mad, I want to yell at them and scream and throw a fit, but that's not how adults act and I can't be mad. Because somewhere inside me I know it was right. *tear* I just feel like I have no control over anything in my own life. I want to be me again, I want to be happy, stress free, bouncy and excited about everything, high on life. Give me a week or two and I'll be up and running again.

I get to see my twin on Friday it's about the only thing left that I have to look forward to.

I don't want anyone to think that this was a "guilt" post, or that I'm looking for attention, I just needed to let it out and get it off my chest. I'm glad I have you guys for friends.

~Crying~

Kicked Down

Well the straw has broken the camels back. I really just need to surround myself with friends and live one day at a time. That's all the more I want to say.

~Broken~

I Gave Up, I'm Back Up

I remembered an assignment that I was suppose to do. Read The Lorax for my Environmental Sciences class. It's my favorite book, and for the most part I have the whole book memorized. It talks about taking care of the environment and what happens when you just do what is right for you. Without regard to anything else. I came across my favorite quote.

"I am the Lorax, I speak for the tree's, I speak for the tree's for the tree's have no tounges, and I'm asking you sir at the top of my lungs......what is that thing you've made out of my truffula tuft." I want to be that person, am I the only one who see's something beautiful in that? Standing up for what is right, no matter whether it's right or not. There are things I will fight about until I'm blue in the face. Like my mom says, "fight for what you believe right or not, don't back down." That's exactly what the Lorax does. "The Lorax said, 'sir! You are crazy with greed. There is no one on earth who would buy that fool Thneed'". He was wrong but he fought for what he knew was right. So to anyone of you who have "slapped" me around thank you. Keep me in line, and make me fight for what I believe.

~Hell Yea~

This is why she is my bestfriend

Let's just say that I quit. I failed my History of Jazz project and Idon't know why. I asked for help a friend helped me and I still failed. I am the worlds worst person. I can't help anyone, I can't doanything. I hate me, I hate it all.

~Done~

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you didn't do as well as you had hoped to on the project. But I must say, that this is very unlike you to give up. In all of the years that I have known you, i have never known you to be a quitter. You are however, not horrible, but quite wonderful. Unlike so many in this so called world, you have dreams and dare to think outside of the common thoughts. Most people would look at how your life has gone, and be blown away by what you have done. Sure, you haven't gone overseas to fight in a war, or been orphaned, or had to do anything so big as to put you into a school history book; but you have lived. I don't know of many who can lose a family member as young as you were, and still keep their chin up all the while. You've lost people and relationships, been without and still continued. Don't give up on yourself. Look at this as having lost yourself for the first time, and now you're looking for who you really are. If we never failed in life, how would we know when we had succeeded? You have helped people, even if you don't realize it. And that is certainly a success. You can hate the world, but don't hate yourself. I'm sure you have realized that my signature quote is Dum Spiro Spero; but do you know what it means? "While I breathe, I hope". Life throws you sometimes. You can't deny or avoid that fact. But you can lash back at it by never giving up on yourself. What can it do to you then? Try to knock you down once more? It will only make you stronger.

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Always,
Debbie

She's right, it could be worse. *picks self up, dusts off pants and put's up my fists, "round two"*

~Fighting~

*Throws in the towel*

Let's just say that I quit. I failed my History of Jazz project and I don't know why. I asked for help a friend helped me and I still failed. I am the worlds worst person. I can't help anyone, I can't do anything. I hate me, I hate it all.

~Done~

Who Want's Me?

I hung out with a couple of friends from school today. It was a good time. We talked about a bunch of stuff, and ate Mac and Cheese. Persilla looked at me and said you have a boyfriend? He must have been high when he met you, because I don't know anyone who would want you. And the insults started flying. Though when someone says something like that I think it makes everyone think. There is more to me, then just legs. Oh well, I'm not to worried about it.

My history of jazz project is coming along. I think I might change some songs because I'm having a really hard time finding stuff about them. It's due Tuesday, but I have a lot of it done, so I don't have to much to worry about.

~Sweep sweep~

30 Hours and an Empty Stomach

So while my group hasn't done the 30 hour famine, I have. This year was really hard for me. I'm not really sure why. I might have something to do with not drinking thick juices, they were really more water like then juice juice. Then again I did go to Canada and party. That was fun too. Anyway 4 hours left and I thought I might have to break the fast early because my stomach was turning hard but I made it through. I've eaten a little and have been resting.

Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to my History of Jazz project. I've been working on it but I'd like to finish it. Do my math. Be done. I'm so ready to just be done.

~Resting~

Dorm Life

So the fight has come to an end and an agreement has been made. I get to live in the dorms and not transfer. If I transfer I pay, I can't do that and go to Law school. So, I agree to live in the dorms. Which might I add I am completly happy with! :) I'M A DORM KID! I get to live with my ALLIE! We were talking about how we wanted to set up the room and how things could be. I'm so excited! :) I need to make a list of things I'm going to need for college life! Anyone have any idea's or advice? I'm so excited. I'm going to make ton's of friends, and get to hang out with the girls on the floor. WOW! SO PUMPED!

~FREEKING YEA~

Exhaustion

I'm sorry that it's been a while sense I've up dated. I've been really busy. Finals are coming up the week after next and I've been really pre-occupied. Getting homework done and getting more and more, is not helping. I've been working on my project, I'm not real close to being done but it's a start and I'm going to work on it when I get home.

I've been sleeping none and eating less. Last night was the first real night sleep I've gotten in a long time. I need more, I'll get to that later.

I've been in the mood for a really good thunderstorm. I mean I want it all. For the last two days we've gotten thunder, lightening and rain, but it hasn't been a really good storm. Two or three minutes of rain. Bring it on, I want hours. Oh well you can't have everything you want.

I've taken my stand with the book that we had to read for DF. I didn't like, I don't like the way it was presented, I don't like that the villians were suppose to be people you could trust. People who have taken a vow to serve and protect. How do you trust them? How do you trust anyone? You see them every day on the street and think nothing of it, but who are they really? Who are any of us really?

~Questions~

Wishing for storms

Today, has sucked. Tomorrow will suck. The day after will suck. So much work to do, so much stress on my shoulders. And it's not like I feel like I'm accomplishing anything, I just keep getting more and more to do. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I just barely passed a test that I spent 2 hours on. I tried hard and I failed. Recently I've been made to feel like a failure. Nothing is going to go my way, I might as well accept it.

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there." -- Edwin Louis Cole

So I guess now I just have to get out. But how?

~Giving up~

An Impass.....

Today started out well, not that it is ending un-well. It hit me today, that I have no control over my own life. My mom tells me what to do and yells at me like I'm a child. I feel like I have no stablity. Like I'm standing on a teeter-totter, and I can't balance it out. There are somethings you just don't want to hear, there are something you say that you can't take back, and there are something you do that you have to do, even if you don't want to. (I honestly don't have time to worry about these things, but I can't get them out of my head.) Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm hoping tomorrow will be much better. I feel so detatched from people, and I know that it's because I'm really stressed out about getting everything done. To take my own advice, I need to live one day at a time. Worry about tomorrow when it get's here.

I heard this today,
"For a kiss to be really good you want it to be with someone you really care about, so passionate and hot that you feel it everywhere, you can't rush that."

"I'll tell you what somebody told me once. 'You can't make anyone love you and you can't keep anyone from dying....'"

"Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there. Someone's saying a prayer. That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are. It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the night wind starts to sing its lonesome lullaby. It helps to think we'tre sleeping underneath the same big sky. Somewhere out there if love can see us through. Then we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there."

~Disconnected~

Never Good Enough

I hung out with a friend that I haven't seen in a while. It was all good until a couple of other people showed up. We went and played tennis. I'm not any good at tennis by any means, I'll admit that, and he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I was trying really hard, it's not like I was just screwing off and not trying. My opnion wasn't good enough. Anything I said was "stupid" or "ignorant." I can't play a video game, because I'm not good at them. I've never been good with failure. I'm good at everything, except for tennis, video games and a bunch of other stuff. I try, but trying doesn't seem to be good enough for most people. This is one of those days that started out great, but deterorated when he started treating me like I wasn't good enough. I guess his "brothers" still have his back. If I've learned anything from college it's don't try to impress people be you and they will accept you or they won't.

I had so much fun with the guys last night. We shot a paintball gun. I totally sucked hard core, but Tylere was supportive and was totally like I just want you to do it once. Well long story short I didn't, but Brad left his wallet in my car so I took it to them and he handed me the gun and told me to hit the target, guess what? First shot. That's right I hit the bottle on the first shot. Tell me why I couldn't do that last night? No idea. I've been having a lot of political conversation's latley. I feel like I'm falling back into it again. I remember why it's my minor. :)

I need more sleep. I really do, I crashed around midnight every night this week and got up at 9. And then yesterday I crashed at 3:30 a.m. and got up at 11:30 a.m. I really need to sleep in tomorrow. I have to do my take home test finish up Kiss The Girls and my math. I however feel that sleeping is my #1 priority right now because I'm starting to feel it physically. 2 weeks. I'm so glad that we are down to 2 weeks.

~Mentally and Physically Exhausted~

Grades

Alright so today started out really crappy. I got yelled at for having an intelligent conversation, almost was late for class. I got back a test that I thought that I failed. I saw the grade and accepted it. It wasn't until I saw the comment that she said I should be proud that I thought something funny was going on. Aparently I should have gotten like a B on it. So HURRAY! I'm so happy. The day was picking up. Chris called and he's been having a ruff time with all the work and not having a job lined up. He got an e-mail and he has an interview. I'm so proud of him. :) I talked to him and I instantly smiled it made the whole day amazing. You ever get that feeling? That just talking to someone makes you so excited? There hasn't been a day that he hasn't done that to me. I'm going out with some friends tonight. Totally pumped! Totally pumped!

~Thrilled and Amazed~

The Right Regrets?

I read one of my friends journals last night and she brought up an interesting point, "who is on the other side of the rope? Destiny? God? Society? Yourself? " Let's think about this shall we. I guess it really goes back to what do you believe? What do you want to believe what do you think is right for you? She called me on it, I'm harder on myself then anyone else is on me. Why is that? Because if I'm not hard on me who will be? If I don't push myself to get it done who will do it? Not that I've been pushing very hard latley. I need to stop putting things off and start getting them done. I need to stop acting like a high school senior and start acting like the under-dog that I am. I'm a freshmen. Not a senior. I need to get back into doing what I was doing before. I need to break this half hearted bull-shit. I can do so much better. Look at my transcripts. I need to act like I'm intelligent instead of babbling and rambling. I'm smart, I just need to apply myself MORE. "All we can hope to do is end up with the right regrets." Right now I'm regretting not trying harder, not putting more effort in. *smacks self* How to remotivate myself? It's the end of the semester and that's not helping. I just want it to be over, I need a break I need out.

~Headach~

Out of body.....

I haven't felt like me today. Something didn't click over when I rolled out of bed. I wish I could explain to people how I feel sometimes. No, I wish people could walk in my shoes and see why I am how I am, and why I do what I do. How can I be who I am at my age? I believe the things I do, I stand behind that. I won't change me to please you. The question "Am I good enough?" has always plagued me. I never seemed to be enough for my parents. Though my mom says that she "expects more from me." How is that far. Talk about unwanted stress.

I have a paper that's due tomorrow for my history of jazz class. Hurray and yea for exciting. Not, I will finish it tonight. The big plan. I'm going to start the final for that class tomorrow I think. I need to rip the music and then make the notes. I can pull it off if I start tomorrow.

I turned in my 40 and 20% projects in again for an improved grade today. Well I hope for an improved grade.

~"Today I'm Fine Without You"~

New York License Plates

I've noticed a lot of New York license plates around here lately. I know, all of you from home are thinking no biggie they were always there, but there are so many more now then then. Instead of one or two and seeing them once in a while I see 5 or 6 daily. And that's different cars. Not always the same one. On my drive to PT this morning I had an epiphany, if you know me you know I'm a big believer in signs. Sky-Blue pink and butterflies, long stories, but there is more to it then most people want to think. (To me at least) Anyway back to my epiphany, I passed 2 plates on my way into town and was following one, and that's when I started to wonder, is this my dad's way of telling me he's ok with this? I think it's my dad's way of checking in on me and telling me that he approves. Which is really important to me.

I'm reading this book for my detective fiction class, Kiss The Girls. It's really creepy. It makes me want to look over my shoulder and see who's watching me. Just another reminder that I'm vulnerable to any man's wants.

THEY FIXED ME IN PT! My hip slips out of place and catches on the muscles. So they showed me how to show people to tell me if it's out and then she showed me how to fix it! :) It felt so good. So I have to teach people how to see if I'm out but it's not hard. My back feels so good right now.

I'm going to miss a phone call because my sister is on the phone, not that she hasn't been home all day long. Doesn't matter that I'm waiting. Nope because she's on the phone.

~Irked~

The Flu....A Blessing or a Curse?

Well my sister has just informed me that she's been spelling it flue instead of flu. And she's been breathing on me all freeking day. And I just spit on her. I feel slightly better today. My mom called me a hypocondriac and threatened to throw all the tylenol away because I took "to much."

I got about 4 hours of sleep and didn't want to get out of bed, but I begrudgening draged myself out of bed and went to school. I tanned for about 2 hours. I look so tan, I'm amazed that I've tanned this fast. Erin and I are going to tan, on her roof. I've been having a lot of amazing days latley. Though I don't think I've been telling the one person how much I appricate him. So I think I'm going to do that. :)

~Much Love~

So much pain

Yes the little clock at the bottom says it's 4:11 a.m. I'm well aware of that, but my body hurts so bad and I feel like I need to throw up so badly that I cannot sleep. Here is the catch 22 if I don't go to sleep I'm going to throw up and if I do I'm going to throw up. At this point I just want to sleep so the pain stops. I'm sick of cramming tylenol down my throat. My eyes hurt from all the crying. I just can't win. I can't get comfortable, my back is killing me. Nothing makes it better. I don't want to keep taking tylenol, but I can't deal with all the pain. It's not like someone's pinching me and I'm just being a sissy. I feel like I'm being stabbed by my own body. I need someone to rub my stomach, I'm not a dog and don't make me sound like one, because it would help. But I don't have anyone who is awake at this time of day. So I guess I'll just keep crying until the tylenol kicks in or until my body gives out. One or the other......

~No Words~

The Lorax

Last night I read my favorite book in the whole world. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss. I know and now your all thinking how childish. Well it's like Alice in Wonderland. There is a secret meaning. I love this book, it shows how society has gone to hell. Let's think about this: you see what you want, you take it and don't replace it and then it's gone. Reminds me of the rainforest. We had the cure for Aids type 2. And now it's gone because we distroyed it, but will the government tell you that? NO! You distory whatever is in your way. The Oncler wanted the tree's even though he distroyed the food for the Bar-ba-loot's and the humming-fish, and the swomee-swans. It didn't matter. But the Lorax he stood up to the "government" also known as the oncler, for what he believed. I want to be like the Lorax, I want to be able to stand up to anyone. Whether I'm right or wrong, for what I believe is right. "I am the Lorax. I speak for the tree's for the tree's have no tounges. And I'm asking you sir, at the top of my lungs"-"What's that THING you've made out of my Truffula tuft?" To many people out there "don't have tounges" and no one will stand up for them. They need a champion more then you or I. I sit comfortably I have some money, a car, a house, food. What about the poor. It's not that they don't want a job, but it's a vicious cycle of poverty. And it's not easy to get out. Where would women be without a women's right activists? Or blacks without Martin Luther King? Everyone needs a someone to be there champion, until they can stand on there own two feet. Where do I fall into all of this?

~Contemplative~

10:31 or 11:31?

It's time to set your clocks ahead an hour! I did bowl for kidsake today, it was so much fun! The high school beat the middle school youth. :) Anyway, my mom wanted to go to wal-mart so I went with her and got a new cd. I was starting to get sick of my music, all 13 hours of it. So I got the "All American Rejects" cd. It's amazing! I love it.

Tomorrow I have to finish reading "One For The Money" but I'm almost done. :) My back is killing me today. Would someone please tell me when Wal-Mart started selling memorial flowers? I think that's wrong. I mean while it might make it convient if you just so happened to forget your memorial flowers on your way to a memorial, but for kids like me who have lost a parent, I don't want to see a memorial wreath with dad in it. That really offends me. I mean I know it shouldn't, but then again I shouldn't have to not look at the isle because it cut's me. *Done ranting*

I need to put away my laundry.

~All American Rejects~

Fool

Today started out with a curse and a mad rush to make it to school on time. (I woke up at 9:36, I leave at 9:30.) I made it to school got my work done and waited for classes to be over so I could sit outside, instead of in. I layed out on the court yard lawn and read my book. I was so nice. I then came home and put on my bikini and called Chris. We talked for awhile and then I went swimming with some friends and then hung out at Tylere's and watched "Saw 2." GOOD MOVIE! I have bowl for kid sake tomorrow.

Happy April Fools day.

Seeing as I'm useless, I'm going to bed, nigh night, much love to you all!

~Exhausted~