I can't feel anymore

I recently decided to do something about the fact that I don't like the way I look. I've been running. I'm really impressed with myself, I've been running a mile every other day. Today I went to the gym, youth, and back to the gym. I'm really proud of myself. I ran two and a half miles today. And on top of it all I got a 90 on my Greek lit test! Things are really starting to look up for me. I'm working out, my grades are improving and I'm feeling really awsome. My legs are numb, my arms hurt, my chest muscles hurt, my abs hurt. I FEEL GREAT! I never realized that pushing your body could feel so good. :)

~Exhausted and happy~

Ladybug Stew

3 years and 10 months. Today would have been 3 years and 10 months. I've tried to ignore the wound that is where my heart once was. I keep thinking I'm going to be fine, that I've moved on or come close to it. And I'm shut down. Not even close. I love him so much. As hard as I try to stop I can't. He doesn't want me back, he's over me why can't I be over him? I called him to get some help with my math, I almost burst into tears. Nothing that anyone said, just that I miss talking to him, I miss everything.

No one has called me back about my applications yet. I'm waiting and hoping. I think I might go out tomorrow after I work out and see if anyone is hiring.

~Bloodied and Broken~

Can't Buy Me

Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

Can't buy me love, everybody tells me so
Can't buy me love, no no no, no
Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy

I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

Turkey times 2!

My family came from out of town for our "thanksgiving" it was awsome to see my cousins.

I have had enough of this shit. I now know why I moved out. I can't stand my mother. She pisses and moans, if you leave the dishes in the sink, she pisses and moans if you do this or that's out of place. I'm paying your cell bill, I'm paying your insurance. Well here's my answer to that. Here are the keys and there is the phone. She makes me sound like a bad person for coming home. So fine, I won't come home.

~Pissed~

MMMMM...Turkey

I had Thanksgiving with my roommate and her family today. I had a really good time. It feels good to know that I'm really cared about. I'm having Thanksgiving with my family tomorrow. My mom is coming right after work and I'm hoping the parade is cancelled. So I don't have to worry about rushing home to get to the parade. The weather is so bad out that I'm worried about traveling to and from but it'll all be fine.

I made it through my first holiday without him. And while it all feels like a dream, I'm ok.

~Sweepy~

Turkey Day!

Tomorrow is TURKEY DAY! I love Thanksgiving. MMMMM.....Turkey. My Thanksgiving isn't till Friday, we are all meeting at my Aunts house. I'm hoping it will be a good time!

I had a really bad day today. I've been feeling like things were getting better and I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards. I don't feel comfortable sitting in one place for to long. I don't want to go anywhere alone. My roommate and my bestfriends are right, I can't let anyone get to me, I can't let what people think about me get to me either. I love my friends for putting up with me and all my problems.

~Feeling better~

Not worth it

I'm so sick of childish people. I have an awful life, he said, she said. Get over all that crap. If your life is awful do something about it. Don't sit around and lie. Where has lying gotten anyone? Jail, or in debt? He said-she said does nothing more than piss people off. While I might have broken up with Ken first, do all of you out there now the whole story. I wanted him back. You know, I'll let you all think what you want. I don't care. I'm not letting it get to me anymore. I'm done.

~Throws the towel in~

Pittsburgh

I spent this past weekend in Pittsburgh. On Friday night we went cosmic bowling till around 2:30 in the morning. Then we went to Denny's. MMMMMM.....good! Saturday we spent the day touring University of Pittsburgh. It was really awsome! I can't wait to get to UP. I'm so excited. I met some awsome people. And I saw a lot of really hot guys. I think I'm over Ken. I think I'm going to be ok. I feel like I'm going to be alright. I can smile and say I had an awsome time Friday. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I seriously felt like I was drunk, but I wasn't drunk. I haven't felt like that in a long time. :) I feel so good.

~Feeling better~

Oh suck

Nothing overly exciting has been happening. I have 2 classes Monday and then I'm home free for break!

I spent a whole lot of time thinking today, about a lot of topics. Friends, family, school. I try so hard and get no where. Some people say try harder. I'm saying I'm giving it the best that I possibly can be. What else am I suppose to do? I'm not killing myself for something. A lot of topics rolled through my head today. I feel so alone and lost. I don't know. I'm really tired. Night night.

~Contemplating~

Sleepy

I had a friend come over last night I hadn't seen her in a really long time so we stayed up and talked really late. We talked till about 3. And I had a nine. SO MUCH FUN! NOT! And then I spent the day with some friends. It was a good time.

I'm feel a little sick to. I think it's cuze I didn't eat regulary today.

~Puky~

Another Amazing QUIZ!

Have you ever...
( ) crashed a friend's car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fight
( ) snuck out of parent's house
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a coworker
(x) seen someone die
(x) been on a small plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) tasted sushi
(x) been snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) smoked anything else
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work or school
( ) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school
( ) had detention
( ) gone skydiving
(x) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) been to another country
(x) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set or rise with someone you care about
(x) made a bonfire
(x) been on a motorcycle
( ) crashed a party
(x) traveled for a week or more with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerblading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) ate dog food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole
(x) kissed a fish
(x) shot a gun
(x) been completely smashed
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
( ) made out at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) believed in ghosts
(x) owned more then 10 pairs of shoes at a time
( ) gone streaking
( ) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) sang in the shower
(x) glued your hand to something
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) love someone right now
( ) french-braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dipping

~entertained~

Down and out

I don't know how I feel today. I'm so torn out. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of everything. I'm so lost in myself. I have no idea what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost in the world.

~Down~

Broken Circles

I just got done watching Sweet Home Alabama. Yes, for most of you out there. It is a chick flick. I don't know why I wanted to watch it. It's about this women who moves to New York City and becomes a big designer. She get's engaged but has to go back to Alabama to get her husband to sign the divorce papers. He refuses for awhile but then he signs, she sends the paper's in and on the day of her wedding, her lawyer comes back and tells her that she's still married to him....she never signed them. She doesn't she stays married to him. I think it's a great movie. Anyway....I guess it just really made me think. Is it all worth it? Is there any point at all? You date, get your heart broken and repeat. Until you marry someone who in 5 years time will, all of forgotten you exist, except that you make dinner and have given birth to his son's (or daughters.) Do I want to submit myself to that? Do I just want to be someone's dinner maker, and child bearer? I went and saw a friend today that just recently had her baby. She's a week old now. It makes me want my own children all the more, but do I really want them to grow up in a broken home? Or in the midst of the end of the earth? (I know, that's pushing it.) Then I think about Makalia, do I want to risk losing my children/child like my sister did? People keep leaving comments in here about how I stopped loving Ken and how awful I am. I have never stopped loving him. I really thought that we'd get married and have kids. Grow old together. And there is still something that in the back of my mind is hoping for that. I know I don't have that anymore. I keep thinking that it's like my promise ring that it got a little bent and tarnished but it's nothing that couldn't be fixed. It was no worse for the wear. But I know that it can't be fixed. I wake up everyday, and hope. But nothing changes. People keep saying you have to "test drive a few before you can buy the right one." I thought I had boughten the right one. I guess I just wasn't smart enough to see the error of my ways. You can all say whatever you want about me. You can all act like I'm the world's biggest bitch. But I will NEVER stop loving him. I might die old and alone, because of it, but I WILL NEVER stop loving him.

~Alone~

Talent show

My mom and I went to the talent show today. It was really nothing to impressive. The band was really good.

I was listening to The Temptations and I heard this song:

DON’T LOOK BACK
If it's love that you're running from, there's no hiding place.
(You can't run it, you can't hide it, you can't run it)
Love has problems I know but there problems, we'll just have to face.
Oh yeah, yeah.

If you just put your hand in mine,
We're gonna leave all our troubles behind.
We're gonna walk and don't look back.
(Don't look back)
And don't look back.
Oh yeah, yeah.And don't look back, baby.
(Don't look back)
(The past is behind you let nothing remind you.)

If your first lover broke your heart,
There's something that can be done.
(You don't run it, you don't hide it, you don't run it)
Don't end your faith in love because of what he's done.
So if you just put your hand in mine,
We're gonna leave all our troubles behind.
Keep on walking and don't look back.
Forget about the past now.
Don't look back, baby.
Keep on walking and don't look back.
Hmmm
(The places behind you let them re-remind you.)
[Instrumental]
Love can be a beautiful thing.
Though your first love let you down.
Oh yeah, yeah
'Cause I know we can make love bloom, baby.
The second time around.
Oh yeah, yeah

So if you just put your hand in mine,
We're gonna leave all our troubles behind.
Keep on pushing and don't look back.
Now, till I say, we won't look back, girl.
Keep on walking and won't look back.
Forget about the past now, baby.
And don't look back.

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, don't look back.

~Healing~

Out

Alright people. If I have to get over this and move on let me. No one out there has to make any rude or ignorant comments. And frankly if you do I'll just keep deleting them. It's none of your business, and you can all say that I post it on the web, this is how I let things flow out of my mind. So stop posting your ignorant comments and leave me alone.

~Annoyed~

Bigger Man

I'm going to let it all go. I'm not going to talk about it anymore. There is no point.

I got my car back today, flawless. It makes me feel good to know that it's just the way I bought it. THE HOOD IS BLUE! NOT LIME GREEN! They repainted the whole car so the hood would match. It smells like paint inside but it's alright. That will fade with time.

I'm really hurt, if it were possible I think my heart would be bleeding. But I know that with time it will get better. I'm so afraid to get close to someone else though. I don't want to be hurt again. I gave my heart away and got it back in a casket.

~Pain~

My life

Nothing to overly exciting happened today.

I want all of you readers out there to understand something. You don't know my side of the story. I'm not willing to get into on here. But any man who 1 day after say that he needs a break, can call anyone fat, stupid, and ugly they don't deserve a second chance. I think that your all intitled to your opnions, but that doesn't mean that any of you know the true story. I love him, right now. I never believed you could stop loving someone till this all happened. Frankly I think you can read, but don't leave ignorant comments when you only know one side of the story.

~Whatever~

Wednesday

Once agian I talked to the mechanics, wednesday! Anyway.....more emotional rollacoaster. I really hate myself. He acts like it's all my fault. Sometimes I feel like it is. Sometimes I don't understand why I believed all the lies. I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust another man. Let alone one who says he loves me. It's so scary to think that you can just take some thing like I love you back. I feel so alone. I feel so abandoned. I was dumped and I didn't really get any answers. It was it's over. I was in love, I guess he wasn't. That's what I get for letting someone in, for letting someone get close to me. I'm just going to cry myself to sleep.

~Hurt~

Not really lost just more or less alone

I moved out of my house today. So I'm living in my appartment. Oh joy! It is just so odd. I don't really know what to do with myself. But anyway, just so you all know, call the cell if you need me. I'm just in town so.....it will be ok. I will adjust.

~Snack and bed~

Quiz

1. First name? Susan
2.Were you named after anyone? My Grandmothers Mother and Grandfather's Mother
3. Do you wish on stars? Yes
4 When did you last cry? Last Night
5. Do you like your handwriting? Love it!
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? turkey
7. What is your birth date? September 3rd
8. What year were you born? 86
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Probably
10 Do you have a journal? Yeah this one, and a couple of paper ones
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yeah, I really do
12. What are your nicknames?Suz, Suzie, Head of UPT (don't ask)
13. Would you bungee jump? Maybe
14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Sometimes
15. Do you think that you are strong? I could kick some serious ass!
16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and Cream
17. Shoe Size? Depends on where I get the shoes
18. Red or pink? Red
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Not really sure
20. Who do you miss most? Everyone who truly ever cared about me
21. Whats the most craziest thing you have done lately? Crazy.....
22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Yellow piggy pants no shoes
23. What are you listening to right now? Clean Sweep
24. Last thing you ate? Scrambled eggs
25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Maroon, I love that color!
26. What is the weather like right now? Sunny, but slightly chilly
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Sarah
28. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Personality
29. Last movie you watched? No idea.
30. Favorite Drink? Orange Juice
31. Favorite Sport? Marching Band
32. Hair Color? Deep Brown with Blonde highlights
33. Eye Color? Depends on what I'm wearing
34. Do you wear contacts? nope
35. Favorite Food? Stuffed Peppers
36. Last cartoon You Watched? Danny Phantom
37. Favorite Day of The Year? My Birthday
38. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? BOTH!
39. Summer or winter? Summer
40. Hugs OR Kisses? BOTH
41. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Anything tastey
42. Favorite Song? Hey Jude
43. Favorite time era? 50's and 60's
44. What books are you reading? College Books, NO FUN!
45. What is on Your Mouse Pad? Don't have one.
46. Favorite Sounds? Music, hearing my kitty, Shadow, purr
47. Rolling Stones or the Beatles? Love them both, but the Beetles
48. What's the furthest you've been from home? Hawaii

~Awsomeness~

I'M OUT!

HEY KIDS! I'm moving out of my house. I got an apartment. I'm living with a friend. It's right in town! I'm so excited I'm moving out Sunday. So far I'm taking my t.v. clothes and pictures. What else? They have couches and beds. I bought cereal and juice, water and some snacks. LAPTOP and CAR! So if you need me, call my cell phone it will be my primary. I will be home on weekends and such!

~EXCITED~

Futurama

Nothing to overly exciting happened today. I might be getting an apartment. I don't know what my mom is going to say. I hope so. It's right in town and they arn't going to make me pay rent. I'll cook and clean, and stuff like that to pay rent. I would even share it with some friends. I think it would be great fun!

My mom talked to the mechanic today, they said the car might not be done tomorrow, like they said. So either tomorrow, or early next week, I'm so frustrated I really want to have my car back. I would make my life so much easier.

I have 10 math problems due tomorrow. I have 1 done. I have been trying to figure them out, but that is to no avail. I think I'm going to to go the learning center tomorrow before my math class. Unless I have a friend out there who can do Math 31 chapter 3 section 3.5 I believe it is. TELL ME! I REALLY NEED THE HELP!

~Sleepy~

For you people

Here you go.

~Sad~

Kitty Kitty

Not to much has been going on my life latley. I have 3 kitties who want some kitty food. How silly are they? Class and food and learning and homework. I scheduled for my next semester classes I'm so excited about this.
I'm taking

Afro-American History
Detective Fiction
History of Jazz
Biology
Algebra 32

I'm really happy with this, well, except for the algebra. But this is the last math I need so. AMEN!

I've been talking to some friends and hanging out and doing homework.

~Boring~