Creepy doctors and x-rays

I went to class today and decided that I might really need to see the doctor now. So today after class I called the doctors office and they said they could get me in at 3. AWESOME! So a friend of mine said he needed to go to Cranberry because he needed to pick his engagement ring for his girlfriend. So we just bs'ed and talked and it was a lot of fun. I have to go back to the doctor's office in two weeks for a follow up. BLAH but oh well, I just hope that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. The doctor said he didn't think it was anything serious, the x-ray's are just a precaution. He wants me to tone up my core. So I guess I'm going to. I'm glad this is all over with and now all I have to do is tone myself up. :) It's been a good day. No, It's been a great day. :)

~positively happy~

Reflecting

I know I posted earlier, but so much has happened today. I went back to school and got a test back that I thought I had completley bombed. It's not the grade I would have wanted but for going in completley pissed off and not giving a damn it's good. I then went to my math test and there were two problems that I was unsure of. I'm proud of myself. I am trying really hard this semester. I know I screwed off last term, but I'm trying. My back still hurts, I can't figure out why. I took some pain killers and put a heating pad on it. I have spent about 2 hours out of my brace today. It will be ok tomorrow. It's been a trying day, but the smile hasn't yet left my face. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm so glad to be back to me. I like being happy, and confindent. I honestly don't know what came over me the last couple of days. I'm going to make good on going to the gym more frequently as soon as my back feels better. I want to start running again. I want that to be my outlet again. To clear my mind and go numb. :) Nothing better. Well, that's not completley true, I can think of one or two things and one person that are SO much better then that. I'm just glad Chris has put up with me. He is so amazing. :)

~Smiling~

Long Day

It's noon and already it's been a long day. I went to school and started a really awsome conversation in detective fiction. It was about alcohol and drinking under-age and things like that. I woke up this morning smile on my face, but still so much pain in my back. It really hurts to move in and out of my car. I need to make a doctor's appointment for this but I can't because no one has submited a claim to my insurance agent. Now they have submitted the unpaid bill that I have been trying to get paid to an agency. AHHHHHH REDICLOUS. So I called the insurance agent again today, and then I called the stupid bill people. When I called the insurance agents before the man I talked to told me he would call them later and I never heard anything from them again, I thought problem solved. Nope. This is so stupid. But I'm not going to get all bent out of shape. It will work itself out. I know it's all going to be ok.

I feel so much better. I'm so glad to be back to myself. :)

~Calm~

A major realization

Alright kids, I know that for the last couple of days I've been kind of on edge, up tight and really upset. I'm sick of people making me feel like I'm not good enough. I walked into my house today and instantly I was getting ignorance and hell. "I expect more from you." Just the way I wanted today to go. I ran into someone I didn't really want to, and words insued about a whole different topic. I had a nightmare last week that something happened and Chris called me and said he just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I shrugged it off as a bad dream. I guess it bothered me more then I was willing to admit. Things were said and I was really afraid that my dream was going to come true. I've never been so afraid to let something go. I've never been this happy. We all have bad days, I've just had a few in a row. I talked to Debbie and she and I talked about somethings and then Chris called and as soon as I talked to him, I felt like a million pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. I took a really hot shower and thought about a lot of things. Things look so much better already. I'm going to start cleaning my Grandmothers house for her while she is laid up. I'm going to get busy. I need to find something to keep me busy. I'm going to start working out more, I need to get back into shape, tone a little, mostly just strengthen my back. I'm going to set up a doctor's appointment for my back, because there has to be something seriously wrong. I think that is the only thing that is really on my mind right now. I just don't want something to be seriously wrong with my back.

Looking back I had a really good weekend, after I got done babysitting. Hanging out was just what I needed. I'm so warm right now and that makes me feel good too. I'm so relaxed, I guess I just needed to talk it out.

~relaxed~

A few neat quizes:

HOW ROMANTIC ARE YOU?Take the quiz:
http://quiz.myyearbook.com/zenhex/quiz.php?id=9279"> size = "+2">How romantic are you?

Sentimental sweet heart!
You are the type who just makes there heart melt.. GOOD JOB! You are as romantic as it gets!! Every moment with you makes ur g/f or b/f feel special

by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

WHAT KIND OF G/F, B/F ARE YOU?Take the quiz:
http://quiz.myyearbook.com/zenhex/quiz.php?id=1352"> size = "+2">what kind of girlfriend are you? (girls only)

perfect
you are absolutely perfect. your boyfriend means the world to you, and your determined to keep him forever. your doing a great job, keep it up :)

by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

I don't know if you guys think that's true, but I think it's cute. And I told the truth! :) Take one and send me the results! :)

It's been an interesting weekend. To say the least. I feel slightly better. I still don't feel like I'm enough. For anyone. I'm getting back to the top, I'm starting to feel better. I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. Everyone expects more from me. I just......I can't explain it. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep, I'm sick of feeling so alone and detatched. "No man is an island" I feel like an island. I need to work my way out of this rut. I don't know what's going on in my head. I just don't feel like I can live up to what everyone expects me to. Am I good enough?

~Confused~

Not enough

I realized today that I'm just not enough. I had a pretty bad day yesterday, nothing I did was enough. No one took me seriously, anything I said was a complaint, I was oggled by a stupid guy, and it only got worse as the day went on. I talked to Chris online and just completley broke down. What does anyone see in me? The question that it all comes back to. How can anyone deal with me? Why put up with me? I went to school today, I contributed in Detective fiction and for the first time my professor agreed with me. I thought Chris was right today is going to be better. And then I came home for lunch. My mom tore into me about how I'm not an adult because I left a sweater in the dining room and how I shouldn't use my idiotic lawyer stuff on her and people. She was seriously screaming at me and I was just trying to talk. I know your all thinking you talk? I did I tried to be an adult and be civil. And she just kept screaming at me. I'm just never enough. I will never be enough. What do you people see in me, because you must be the only one who see's it. Torn apart all the time. There is nothing to be seen here. WHAT DO YOU SEE IN ME?

~Crushed~

Student Services

It was the most ridiculous thing A STUPID SURVEY.

Anyway, I've been thinking more about this idea of not being enough. You all remember my friend from Erie, the one who thinks women should take things easy. Let's go back to the car battery example, should I have not picked the car battery up? I mean it wasn't that heavy, and I help my mom and dad carry things all the time. I can change oil, I can change a spare tire. What do I do with myself if I get into a bind and don't have a man with me? If I can't do these things for myself then what? I ask for help when I need it, but should I need a man to open the jar or pour my drink? I don't think so. My Mom tells me all the time that I don't need a man in my life. And I know that I don't. I can hook up a trailer, I can build walls, I can drive a big truck I watch sports, I LOVE FOOTBALL. I can do a lot of man like things. But just because I can do all those things doesn't mean that I don't want a man in my life. I don't want to die a lonley old women, I just want the respect I think I deserve for being independant. Don't tell me not to pick up the battery, don't tell me not to get dirty. I can get down with the best of them. I'm a woman, I can bear children that doesn't mean I'm totally helpless.

I told Erik yesterday that I would go to Prom with him, but I'm not going to WOW anyone this year. I'm thinking orange, or pink, or green. Michelle said her mom might make my dress for me. Which would rock! I want it to be a little more form fitting then my previously made prom dresses. I want to look nice because it's Erik's senior prom, but it's not mine so I'm not going to go flipping out over it. *All this talk of prom is making me miss Chris more, so I'm done*

~Missing my main man~

Black, White, or Gay?

Here is a change of words, I was sitting in Afro-American history today. Talking about the rights of this group of people and that group of people. We learned that blacks had the right to marry, but got no rights that came along with it.

We learned that whites thought that they had all the rights. The right to control the blacks, own them, tell them how to live and act. We learned that whites could sentence the blacks to death if they hit a white man.

We have talked about women's roles at this time. It makes me wonder if women were and are enough? Let's think about this we produce children for men, son's that carry on there names, daughters that will go out and make grandchildren. It's proven that women are being payed less, some men think less of us because of what we are. And we are treated so differently. We don't get the same respect, or jobs. Look at the military, there are jobs that women are barred from doing. How is that fair? I don't feel like men should be the only one's who can be drafted, when Susan B. Anthony and her group marched up and down the streets they asked for all the same rights, not some.....all.

And gays. They can get married in some states but the minute you cross out of those boarders you lose your "marriage." How is that fair? How can you do that to someone? What do you care? Why is it that religion is a no no in public UNLESS someone doesn't like something. That's when you start following what religion says.

I got a call from student services today.....I'm a little worried about what they want. I know it's probably nothing serious. I'm going to call tomorrow and see what's going on.

~ ~

Numb

Well, let's see I lost my copy of Early Autumn don't I feel smart? Second book I've lost this semester. Though I did find the other one. My professor has an extra copy, LUCKY ME! It's been kind of a long and blah day. I slept so well last night on my new air mattress but my back is giving me all kinds of fits because I've been bouncing back and forth between sleeping on a flat mattress and then on a floor and then back to the flat mattress. I should have just slept on the floor in my room and it would all be good. Oh well I shall live.

I feel so empty this week. There is so much going on in my head, but I don't know where to empty it. It's stuff that I really don't want to tell anyone, but I feel like I need to talk to someone or it will never get better. I guess I'll wait for awhile and see if I can work it out myself. I went out to the cemetery yesterday, something that I've been meaning to do. The shot glass is still standing. Which made me feel better. I didn't do a whole lot of talking, but I did some and that made the day end a little easier.

I know your all thinking, well then warm the hell up, I don't mean numb like cold numb I mean like I can't feel. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and as the day has progressed I've slowly gone numb. I'm trying to teach myself to live one day at a time, instead of weeks or months in advance. I'm trying to teach myself that it's ok to be unsure. Instead of having to have a definate answer all the time. Am I good enough? My sister had a bunch of friends over yesterday, some mutual between us, some just her's, and I always feel like I have to try to impress all of them when they are together because I'm not "cool" like my sister. She thinks that everyone likes me, because I had good grades and the "perfect" friends and did after school activities. It seems to me that some people only talk to me when other's arn't looking. I once had a mutual friend, of my sister and I, tell me that it was difficult to be friends with both of us. My senior year it seemed that all my friends, who were my friends from elementary and middle school wanted nothing to do with me unless my sister was involved. Emily would tell me that this person said that about me. Or that they think I'm stuck up and a bitch. I eventually just decided to let her do her own thing and I would just let my mom yell at me so I didn't have to get it from all my friends and my mom and sister. The one guy who is suppose to be my best friend in the whole world, doesn't really talk to me anymore. Hell let's just be honest no one really talks to me anymore. Debbie. Of all the people I know from High School she's the only one who talks to me on a regular basis. We have time scheduled in for eachother. I think people are cool with me until they get to know me. It's one of those curl up in a dark hole and die kind of days. I know that I'm making some friends at school. How long is that going to last? I'm going to Transfer and I'll never see them again. I feel like I have two people who I can talk to, Debbie and Chris. I feel so alone. People used to call me to watch movies or to hang out, now they just call for Emily and I don't want to impose on them because then they act differently. Emily doesn't like it when I go anyway, because she always thinks I'm going to tell on her. I guess just keeping my mouth shut when everyone else is around is the way to go. I don't want to open my mouth and continuously be called the idot, or stupid anymore.

~Alone~

Llama song.....

It's been a kind of interesting day. I woke up this morning only to find that I was in my own room sleeping in my bed on an air matress that went flat. My back is bothering me, I went from sleeping on a flat air matress, to the floor, to a flat air matress over the last 3 days. So it's a little tight. I slept so well last night. I curled up in my bed around 11 and was gone by 10 after. I feel so good today. I guess I'm still floating in the clouds as Debbie would say. I love the floating feeling.

I went to Detective Fiction, sorry to disapoint you all but no deep thoughts today. :) And then off to my Environmental Sciences test. Not an A+ but I think B+ at worst. Makes me feel smart.

My mom and brother got back from Virginia last night and my mom bought me this cool mouse that changes colors! :) It's so awsome! It doesn't change color when you touch it, or when you scroll. Its so neat!

Oh, and I'm cleaning my Grandmothers house and such. Like the dusting and the moping and the sweeping and in the summer I will do the yard work and such and what not. Works out nice I guess.

I think I'm starting to hit a low. I need a nap, my chicken is starting to settle. It's so weird, I was looking through some pictures of me like a few months ago, and then I was looking at the picture that I took with Chris, my face has thinned out and my stomach has gotten smaller. I guess the only reason I mention it was last week I went out to lunch with some friends and my cousin commented and I showed Debbie and my cousin Jen the picture of us and they both said I looked like I'd lost a lot of weight. Interesting. It so weird to look at me then and then look at me now. Oh the sillyness.

~Missing my main man~

What if?

Well, kids you all knew that my Mom and Dan went to Virginia this weekend and my sister went out and stayed with friends. So I was alone. Friday night Chris told me he would call me back later, well stuff happened and his phone was being silly and wouldn't let him call me. He got on-line and we talked and I didn't have to be alone! :)

I don't know what he does to me. I don't feel like I have to impress anyone, I don't have to try. I can just be me. I don't feel like I'm stepping on toes or always having to watch what I say so I don't piss him off. He listens to me, he talks, he jokes, he "plays". Perfection. He doesn't have to say anything to make me laugh. He kisses my hand and my every part of me smiles. He brushes up against me and every part of me shudders. I feel like I'm floating, and I really REALLY like this feeling. I REALLY like him.

Trying to go to sleep last night I just kept thinking what if I'd never met him?

~Inquisitive~

Silence

Well kids, my mom is gone and I'm sitting in my living room all by myself. So exciting. To have my "own" house. Ahhhhhh....*breaths out and relaxes* You know what would make this better? Having a big buff man here with me. :)

I called some friends, either no answered or they are busy. So sitting here all by myself. It would be fun to have someone on the couch watching t.v. with me, being quiet but eh, alone I guess is so much better. Who knew silence could be so loud?

~Silence~

Boys

I've learned that you can't ask any questions around here without being crusifide by someone. I asked my mom today, innocently, why I couldn't have a boy spend the night. And her answer? Can you guess.................*waits* Because it's my house. Wow what an answer. Not only did I get that answer but I also got yelled at. Because she doesn't want Grandma and Pete to say anything. You know boys and girls I'm starting to wonder if I should just transfer at the end of this semester, I still have a shot. I mean it's not a guarantee but if I made it in, at least I would get to be out of here, living in a new place and making new friends. I love that it's ok for me to spend the night in boys dorms, but it's not ok for a boy to spend the night when my mom isn't home. You know what it is.....she won't say it but I mean what else could it possibly be? She doesn't want me to have sex. Come on? My brother did it, my sister did. My sister had a baby. And now I feel like I'm being held to those standards as well. Boys are good while no one is looking, but the second someone is around shhhhh no boys. What the fuck? 3.81, National Honor Socitey, National Honor Roll, Who's Who Among American High School Students student and I can't be trusted with a boy when no one is home, but can be when no one is around and no one can stop me. WTF?!?!?!?! Boys are ok when no one can stop me, but the second I want to come home it's totally wrong. I don't understand that. That honestly makes no sense to me. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I CANNOT BE TRUSTED? I can't see what else that would mean. It's my house, is no answer, it's the easy way of saying I can't trust you, or I don't want you to have sex. Screw off people. Your not being a parent or a friend.

~Pissed~

Money.....

Alright so once again, I was sitting in Detective Fiction, sitting in the back of the class room feeling as though I wasn't there. I could hear a conversation going on about themes of the book yet again. When they started talking about money. The greed that money causes, and how it makes people greedy, and how it rules their lives. I have always said that I have never liked money. I don't like what it does to people or how it makes them act. Don't get me wrong money is nice to have on hand, when you want something, but not completely necessary.

Think about it like this, I'm a girl, you all pretty much knew that. Alright, my parents from the time I was little were telling me that I should grow up and marry a rich doctor or lawyer. The way I see it money can cause the "disease" that I was talking about the other day. In fact that could be a lot of it. I'm not saying that that is the only thing that causes "disease" but it could be a large portion. How many times have you seen someone who is happily married get a divorce to be with someone who has lot's of money? Look at celebrities, royalty. Think about how many people are starvng in the world. Think about how much money they make a day and compair that to how much you make. How much money do you give to charity? How much money do you spend on someone else, for the good of someone else? Every year for the last 4 years I've been doing the 30 hour famine. That mean's I raise money for World Vision and then I don't eat for 30 hours, to see what these people go through, but the difference is that it's only 30 hours. I want to show people what it's like, I want people to feel the pain. But to many people are selfish and don't care what other people feel. To many American's care about what they want and themselves. I admit that I care about me and my well being, but I also care about a lot of other things. Do you care when you significant other has a bad day? Or when they need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on? Do you care what size your t.v. is? Or what about name brand shoes? Clothes? Car? What is it that you care most about? I know that I care about me, but I also know that I care about Chris and how his day was. I look forward to the 30 hour famine. I don't know how people can go into debt for a car or t.v. If you have something shouldn't you be grateful for what you have? I'll joke about watching the bigger t.v. but I'm happy with what I have, or what you have while I'm with you. The hat: here we go......it's been awhile sense you have heard about the hat. It's not my hat, but if I lost it or ruined it, spilled something on it, or who know's what else. I would die. It's his hat. I wear it a lot. I wear it A LOT. I got a card for valentines day. A CARD! Not roses, not candy, not a charm braclet. A card, I have never been so happy in my life. I guess what I'm simply trying to say is, be grateful for what you have. I have been saying this for a long time and will continue to say it......as long as I have someone who cares about me, I would live in a card board box, on the corner. Because as long as I have you, that's all I need...........wrap your mind around that.

~Lost in thought~

The Slut......

I guess it has just been one of those life times. I went to pick my sister up at school today and we were talking to a group of people when I told Kari that I had become "self destructive" meaning that I keep hurting myself. Rug-burns and brusies I fell off of a medicine ball today. Joking and when I said that I had rug burn on my one knee my sister instantly turned and called me a slut and a whore. My first reaction is to just turn and walk away, so I do. Two HUGE fears in my life. 1. To be raped. 2. To be someone's fast fuck. I know you are all thinking geez, just cool off it was a jokebut it wasn't funny. Maybe if I wasn't so afraid to be used, I would. I'm not saying that I have sex, I'm not saying I ever have. I don't want to be used and then left. I got hurt once, by a man who I thought really loved me. (No sex involved) What would happen if I did have sex with someone? Am I going to get used and then when he got what he wanted he leaves? I'm one of those people that says "if you really care about someone, if they are someone who you think you could spend the rest of your life with, they understand you, you understand them, they care about you just as much as you do them, then it's ok." But it has to be pure. No, "Hey I bet you I can get her in bed in a month." That scares the hell out of me. I know I will know when the time is right. I know I will know when it's ok, and when it's the right guy. I just hope that I don't get "screwed" over, no pun intended. I don't want people to presive me that way. I'm not.......I just don't want people to see me as a whore.

~Scared~

Family?

I was sitting in Detective Fiction today, trying to stay awake, listening to Dr. Atteberry rattle on about this that and the other thing. We started to talk about themes of the book we had read, The Galton Case, one of the themes in the book is family. How a "healthy family, makes for a "healthy" community and nation. My mind instantly started to wander around this idea. When a "disease" comes into contact with the "family" it does not only affect that but that of anyone else involved. Stay with me here. Alright, you know that my dad passed away from cancer. That didn't just affect my family, but his friends and co-workers, anyone he'd come into contact with, who could remember him was affected. Am I right? Then I started to wonder a little further. Why do people cheat on other people, why do people lie to people they care about? Why are people so quick to judge everyone? Why is the world so full of "diseased" families? Husband cheating on wives, wives cheating on husbands, (boyfriends, girlfriends, fiances, all apply here too.) How can you care about someone and do that? Maybe it's because I'm stupid, or I just don't see it......But wouldn't your conscious get in the way? Wouldn't it tell you that that was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I've never cheated on anyone, I know sounds hard to believe, but how could I? If I care for someone wouldn't I want to hold on to them? Why would I want to even consider jeopardizing my relationship if I have a good thing? I mean is that just me or do people agree? Why would you intentionally ruin your family if you care about them so much? I was watching a movie the other night, the man comes home from a business trip in San Francisco, but not just that he had been cheating his wife with a twenty something women. He came home to tell her that he wanted a divorce so he could be honorable and marry this other women. How is that honorable? How could you be married to someone for a year, or twenty years and then have your significant other come home one day and just say I don't care about you anymore I want a divorce? I don't work like that. If I care, I care with everything I have. Divorce rates have sky rocketed. People give up, and take the easy way out.....What I want to know is it because you never loved that person, or is that because you are an ass-hole who decided to marry the first pretty girl who'd look at you, and then when she's been by your side for so long, and stood by you, supported you, you give up on her for a new leggy blonde? Debbie said it best when she said that *Music is full of romance, and you are full of music* She's right. I think I'm a pretty passionate person. I try to make sure everyone knows how much I care about them. What if tomorrow never comes? Have you thought about that? Would your friends, family, significant other know how much you do care? I don't want to regret anything, I dislike some of the things that I have done, but I cannot regret them because they have molded me to be who I am. I'm afraid, to be the "disease." I don't want to ruin a good thing, and I don't want to hold on to a bad one. Families break up, people dislike members of their families, brother against brother, mother against father. I guess I just want to know where the "disease" has come from......

~Contemplative~

Bitch

So I guess I'm a complete bitch for wanting to have been alowed to go to main campus. My mom wrote a paper about me for one of her classes, I guess I'm bitter because I didn't want to stay in this stupid town to go to college. I told her I would have never said anything if she would have just sent me to main, I understand that she wants to save money. Let's think about it she would still save money. Whatever, I guess I will always be an ungrateful bitch to everyone. Don't I feel special?

~Bitch~

This weekend

I had such an amazing time with my friends. :) Lunch was tastey and we just hung out and talked about college like things. Then I met up with some other kids and we all just rocked it out. :)

I got a valentines day card from Chris in the mail. It's so sweet. :) No one has ever done something so sweet for me before. Just a simple card. Wow.....I'm such a sap. :) I told you guys he was amazing! :)

~Happiest girl~

Getting Married

Alright, I think I'm a pretty laid back person. I can roll with the punches and over all I think it's all good. I found out that a cousin of mine who is 18 is getting married tomorrow. 18, not just that but they are a Senior. Not in college. I mean, why would you do that? You don't know what will happen after high school. I thought I was going to get married and what not and look what happened. Wow....if you ask me, I think that they are making a big mistake. They should at least wait and see what happens after high school. Wait a year or two until your postivily sure that this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. ( There are a lot more details that I will not get into on here that make me think this way also.) I know, I can't figure out why I can so much, because on a normal day I couldn't care less. This hasn't been a good idea to me for a while. I think that if they were in college I'd be more ok with it, because you are open to the world and you are more independant, but like I said there are things I can't get into on here that make me think this way also. I guess I just needed to let that off my chest.

I went with Leanna to get her tatoo today. That was awsome. It looks so neat. It makes me want to get mine.

~Relaxed~

Chips and Made

It's been a really good day. When Chris called last night, I was really cranky and tired because I haven't been sleeping well. So he told me to go to bed early, I figured I would just wake up early and be annoyed and not sleep well, but I did it anyway. He was so right! I haven't felt this rested in a while. I'm glad I listened to him! :)

I got my Valentines day cards! Hurray! You kids know me and Valentinesday. :) They are so cute!

I don't know about all of you, but I don't think today feels like a Friday. Today feels like a Monday or something like that. Eh. Oh well. I keep getting butterflies in my stomach because tomorrow is Saturday. :) SO HAPPY!!!

~Smiling~

Exhausted.....

I went to bed at a decent time, well around 1. I set my clock for I don't remember what time. I woke up at 8. Why can I not sleep for more then like 7 hours? I'm so tired that I swear I'm falling asleep now, and probably will have to kick myself to stay awake in my History of Jazz class. I'm picking up Josie tonight, we will probably hang out till about 6:30 and then I'll see if I need to babysit. I have some math homework that I need to do.

Oh yea, my Grandmother fell the other day, she and Pete bought a snow blower, I don't know why, anyway, they thought that they could get it out all by themselves. And she fell AND BROKE HER KNEE! So she has to wear an immobilizer and go to PT for at least 4 weeks. *Smack* Why did no one tell me? I would have helped them.

Sometimes I hate having to listen to Jazz, for my History of Jazz class, I hate being forced to do something that I love. On day's like this it mellow's me out. I'm tired and kind of cranky, but I feel so much better after I listen to some music. :) I'm so backwards. I know, I know. *Band geek is seeping out*

~Exhausted~

Moving on.....

I just got off the phone with Chris. We had a couple of really amazing conversations! About band, and sports, it's so nice to talk to someone who challenges me and thinks differently. :) I think I cleared up a lot of things. Like why I am the way I am, it's so nice to hear him say that we'll get through it together. Not that I'll get over it but we will. So laid out who I was and how I feel about certian things, and he did the same. I feel back in my element again. Floating with the stars. :) He asked me what I was thinking and I started saying things, like I miss Debbie, or that I have a lot of homework. He was like what about long term, he wants to listen. :) We talked about my dad. I explained everything and he was totally cool with it. :)

I'm so sleepy and for some reason I'm so ready to just sleep for like 10 years. So I'm going to bed kids.

~ZZZZZZ~

A quiz

In 2005...

( ) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain.
(x) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
(x) came out of the closet (doesn't everyone? :) )
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
(x) kissed someone of the same sex
(x) dated someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under mistletoe

WORK
( )gotten promotion
( ) got a pay raise
( ) changed jobs
(x) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
(x) found the subject you love
( ) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) graduated
(x) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
( ) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) got sent to the office

OTHER
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
(x) went to camp
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed 'til you cried
( ) laughed 'til you peed in your pants
(x) flirted shamelessly
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) visited a foreign state
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something important to you
(x) got a gift you adore
( ) realized something new about yourself
(x) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
(x) dyed your hair
( ) came close to losing your life
(x) went to a party
( ) drank alcohol
( ) drank alcohol underage
( ) did (a) drug(s)
( ) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
( ) saw your favorite band/artist live
( ) saw someone famous in person
(x) did something you want to tell everyone
(x) Enjoyed this year overall

~Crazy~

Bad day

Today was one of those days where I didn't want to get out of bed and I just wanted to sleep but my body wouldn't let me. I went to bed around 2 and got up at like 9. I hurt all over, I didn't feel good. I went to school, I felt like I was going to throw up the whole time. I come home and everyone started on me. I'm lazy, I don't do anything, I don't do my fair share. I tried to be nice I said that I was going to go to my room and do homework, I got to my room and I was writing my essays, when my little brother comes down and won't leave me alone and then my mom yells at me because I made the stir fry. This is after I told them that I was going to spend the rest of the night in my room and to just leave me alone, I won't bother you and you don't bother me. Then my sister started on me about how I hadn't done this or that. (After my mom had already yelled at me for it.) So I left. I put on my shoes grabbed my coat and left.

Why is it when I tell people to just let me be, because I had a bad day and I didn't feel good they never listen? I don't usually complain unless I'm really in pain or really sick. Doesn't matter. I got my essays finished.

~Annoyed~

11th

Saturday is the anniversary of the removal of my tonsils! :) Ohhh I'm sure you all cared. Yea you know it all happens! Have my hat on. :) Makes me happy to wear it! :) I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him again. :) We talked on the phone for like an hour today.

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow to help her with math. I know, I know your all thinking: "Susan help someone with math?" But believe it or not I think I seriously know what I'm doing! I'm really proud of myself! I understood every word that came out of her mouth today! I'm pumped. I'm also really happy that I only have one class tomorrow. I have a paper due on Thursday, and I have a test on Wednesday so I'm going to spend tomorrow preping for everything. :) I also have a test on Monday in Afro-American history, but that is nothing. And it really is hard to study for it. You know. It'll be ok.

~Sleepy~

School

Oh the weather out side is SUCKY! :)

Anyway I came to school today, regardless of the fact that I did not want to, and the roads were really crappy. But the sun has come out and some of this snow is starting to melt. MAKES ME HAPPY. Though the next 7 day forecast does not. Suppose to be nice tomorrow, and crummy on Wednesday, great Thursday and crummy the rest of the weekend. I'm really starting to miss Chris a lot. I would really like to see him again. Maybe meet his friends? Scary thought. Wow really scary thought. I've never met someone elses friends, like I met Ken's friends but we had been together for a really long time and we had mutual friends. I want them to like me, because they are his friends and he likes them, but I don't care if they like me because that's who I am. Oh well......I'll burn that bridge when it comes.

~Class time~

SUPER BOWL 40!

THAT'S THE WAY WE DO! ALL THE WAY HOME! ALL THE WAY HOME! THE ONE FOR THE THUMB! Let me just say it's sad that you had a 10% turn out!

~HELL YEA~

Questions:

So many things going on in my head. So many questions. Where is my life going? Will I make anything of myself? Will I get married? Would my dad disapprove? Would he be disappointed? Does a 75 on a math test make me stupid?

It's been a ruff couple of days for me. So I'm sorry to anyone that I have flipped out on or had a break down on I'm sorry.

~Contemplative~

Nappie time?

I finished my huge project that's due in about an hour. I feel pretty relaxed right now. I have to get through Afro-American history and Math and I am home free. This weekend I have to do some test corrections for Environmental Sciences and read for Detective Fiction. FOOTBALL on Sunday. I am doing nothing on Sunday. WATCHING FOOTBALL! Because I hate to tell you all this:

PITTSBURGH IS GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL!

(Back to our previously scheduled programming. :) )

Chris is going to call me tonight, and I'm am totally pumped! I don't know what we are going to talk about, not like we ever plan what we talk about. I just want to talk to him. :) I don't know why I get so excited when he calls, I just do! I would love to see him again.

~Great Day~

Missing you........

I had Josie today, then I took her home, hoping that I wouldn't have to hang out at the Church to babysit. Unfortunatly that was not the case. So I babysat and then right about the time I was done Chris called. So I excused myself and went outside to talk to him. He once again apologized because it had to be short, but he had nothing going on tomorrow and that we can talk about anything and everything because he wants to really talk. :) I told him it was ok, he called and that was what was important. He said something about not liking it being this way, and I said "Hey you told me you were going to call, and you did and that's all that matters." I could tell that he smiled. Well anyway he had to go and promised to call me tomorrow and he was like I miss you.....and instantly I went......"awwwww......I miss you too." Wow.....it feels so good to be missed. Though it sucks that I miss him. What I wouldn't give to feel him pick me up and put me on his lap again, hold my hand, or put his hand on my back or leg. Hey a kiss would be great. :) Wearing the hat again. I love this hat! :) I've been trying to think of something that I could give him of mine for when he comes here, I can't think of anything that's "manly" enough. Maybe I'll just let him pick something.

~Floating with the clouds~