Insomnia

I have for some reason become an insominic. I can't fall asleep even though my body really wants to. I need to get myself back into shape....maybe that's my problem. I picked up my maid of honor dress today and I'm kind of bloated and I put it on to help with the dress thing. Well anyway, the older lady at the store walked up and told me I should order a size bigger because it wasn't fitting me right....I wear a 10, the dress I ordered was a 12. ( a size bigger!) I thought I looked amazing, and so did Kris and Eli. It really hurt. I'm going to run tomorrow. I need to. It will make me feel better and help with the bloat. Running, I'm doing it! I will feel good about it! Sometimes I love my motivation!

~Exhausted~

Leave Me Alone

I've put myself on a diet. Back to the Army way. Eat three times a day and no snack. Drink only water. Sunday is the day for candy and gatorade. It will also be the only day that I don't work out. I have to get back to the way things were. (Don't worry I'm happy with me, but I just need to get back into the Army way, so that I don't fall out of habit.)

I have this to say.
I want to forget you exisit.
I want to forget you made me happy.
I want to be free of you and your memory.
I want you to go away.

~Smiling~

Blood

So I'm sitting here in Sarah's house watching a movie called 28 day's later. It's really kind of nasty. I spent some of today with Tylere. Taking pictures and just hanging out. I love taking pictures with Tylere.

~Cute~

I Think I Wrote This To Post While I Was In Training....

17 Nov 06

Some people.....

I will never understand why people who don't want to be in the Army join it. An elite group of "ariens" that the government has decided is fit to be a soldier. To protect it's borders and most importantly it's people. But you have those who "want" to be soldiers by convince or because they get a 10% discount, cheap food and free clothes, who don't give a damn about the constitution, the declaration or anyone but themselves. We call these people "blue falcons" and most sadly of all they don't seem to care. Because first and foremost their needs have been met and no standards upheld. They have given nothing and taken everything. Then they expect to be paid and handed anything and everything like a child. Someone signed up to defend a nation and instead the government is only babysitting them. John F. Kennedy said "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." They are doing the first and not the latter. I wanted to join the Army sense I was a kid to be a soldier to protect those who needed help and ruin those who created havoc. Soldiers always do what it takes to complete the mission. I've never been put on couch detail or sit detail. It kills me to think that these people wanted to be here they volunteered their lives in defence of this great nation and now they are saying "No." "I am the Lorax I speak for the tree's, I speak for the trees for the trees have no toung and I'm asking you Sir at the top of my lungs what is this thing you've made out of my Truffla Tuft." (Dr. Seuss) I am the Lorax, I am. I defend those who need help, I speak for them and they are making a mockery of our government and our institution. Damn them for even pretending to care. Send them home and let them pretend they are soldiers with a mission in life.

If you didn't make it, but you tried this has nothing to do with you. It's for all the Figueroa's out there. Alpha 06-06 knows what I'm talking about.

The truth only hurts the weak.

~Strong~

Cat Nap

So it's a Friday night, and it doesn't really feel like it. I was going to go out with Heidi and them tonight, but I had to pick up my combat boots for drill next weekend. It's alright though. Tylere is going to come over tomorrow and try to fix my laptop for me. And I think we are going to take some pictures too! I love taking pictures with him, we take ton's of awsome pictures. I'm tired, but it's been a positivly good day. It started with Roman Civ. Then I went to the computer lab where I proceeded to just screw around for an hour, went to the lounge and had lunch and studied for biology for about an hour. I then went and got my transfer paper work for Greensburgh and turned it in. And then proceeded to take my bio test. And I think I passed with a B!!! I DID WELL ON THE TEST!!! I'm so happy about it and I did well on the World Politics yesterday as well! I'm glad things are going well for me thus far. Now I just need to get my Roman Civ up and I'll be set!!! Things are going well! It's good to breath a little easier. MUCH LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!

~Happy~

Gray's Anatomy

I was watching it tonight. (Gray's Anatomy) When I stayed with Kris we watched all of season 1, and tonights episodes hit me hard. The episodes were about Gray and how she how drowned. The main plot line was all about trying to save her life. They wouldn't give up, they stayed positive and right before the show ended they brought her back, no brain damage. You know it made me think about my dad. What if we had found it a little sooner? What if they had given him a good kidney to help? What if they hadn't pumped his body full of cancer? (Radiation) What if he fought harder? Sometimes I think it's ok. And I still think that if I wait up late enough I'm going to hear the truck pull in the driveway and him slam the door. He'll ask me to make him some coffee and grahmcrackers with peanut butter. He'll yell at the cat and then tease her because he's on the heater and she'll just bite his foot. I want to hear him yell at me, call me by the wrong name and ask me when my birthday is. (Even though it is only 10 days before his) Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if he would have gone to the hospital. Or if we could have stopped the bleeding in his brain. I know your all thinking why don't you ever talk about this? Why did you never bring it up? You always say its ok. I know I do. But do you all want to know the truth, I blame myself. I can't be mad at my dad. But I can hate me. I should have tired harder. I like to pretend that I'm going places and doing great things with my life. But that sad truth is, I won't do any more then anyone else. I will always just be average.

~Empty~

Secret Words

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do you?
It goes like this the fourth the fifth
The minor fall the major lift
The Baffle king composing Halleluja.

I'm looking at you throught the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feel like forever
No one ever tell you that forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head.

I will rememer you
Will you remember me
Don't let life pass you by
Live not for the memories.

These are the moments I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I found all that I've waited for
And I could not ask for more.

Some people wait a life time for a moment like this
Some people search forever for that one special kiss
Oh I can't believe it's happening to me.

Take your records
Take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and
Take your reasons
But you'll think of me
Take your cat but leave my sweater
'Cuze we've got nothing left to weather.

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way agian
Who I am hates who I've been.

~Zausted~

Forgetting....?

Did you ever want to forget someone? Or something that happened? A fight an argument or just a day that went down hill. I find my mind wandering back. Over and over agian, and I can't stop it. I don't know if I should wait and hope. Or if I should try harder to forget and move on. I'm working on it.

In other news I'm beating myself up hard core at the gym. And I'm starting to feel good about myself agian. I'm going at 7 am tomorrow and then probably again tomorrow night. Twice a day three times a week and once a day twice a week. Off on the weekends.

I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed.

~Zausted~

Blah

Moral of the story:

Beer=BAD FOR SUSAN!!!!

Edinboro hoodie

Nothing overly exciting has happened this week. I found out that I have a biology quiz tomorrow and I'm pissed because I was really sick on Friday and Monday and then school was closed on Wednesday. I can't believe that I have bronchitus agian. This is so dumb. I however have cleaned my room straightened everything up, got rid of a bunch of stuff I didn't need. Got rid of a ton of furniture and my mom got me a heater. This has been a really bad week for me. I'm looking forward to the weekend and next week. I'm ready to get a clean slate. I'm tired and I have a 10 o'clock. Maybe I should go to bed or something. SHOWER TIME!!!

~Trippy~

San Fransico and French Fries

Did you ever do something wrong, that you didn't realize you'd done? That made someone else mad and you didn't know until they are yelling at you for it later? Or did you ever go somewhere to get something so you could go home, that's all you honestly wanted to do. Nothing more, nothing less? Talking can wait until tomorrow. I'm all for it, I can handle that, I just need to go home.

"You'll Think Of Me."

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

I'm thinking I need time away from all of this, that is exactly what I need. No, I don't mean a vacation or spending the night at a friends. Dinner won't cut it and chocolate and a movie won't fix it either. I'm not going to lie to any of you, I'm thinking, seriously thinking that I'm going to call tomorrow and tell them to put me on the next roster. Anyone, just a roster and send me. I have my family and a few friends. At this point it's my only option.

~Blank~

Nanny

My mom told me she doesn't want me sleeping in my room, because it's to cold. So I tried sleeping on the couch and I couldn't sleep so I gave up and went to my room. When I called my mom this afternoon to see if she could pick up my prescriptions she yelled at me and told me that I'm not going to get any better if I don't stay warm. You know if we'd of finished the walls in my room and I had a heater then I'd be alright to live in my room. So I have camp set up in the livingroom. I have my quilt my build-a-bear, and gatorade. I went from my room to my couch and slept. I ate some soup and took a nap. What does that tell you? Exactly. I'm exhausted. I haven't done anything all day but I feel like I ran a marathon. I'm not going to lie though, I have put myself on a diet. I don't feel as confident as I did went I came home. I can't work out for 2 weeks which I totally don't agree with. I'm running as soon as I can breath again. That's just the stubborn army girl coming out. Anyone up for hanging out? Call maybe we could play monopoly?

~Chillin~

PT and 2 weeks

So I'm dying agian. Bronchitus for a second time in two months. And get this NO PT for 2 weeks. ARE YOU SERIOUS? "Yes, no pt for 2 weeks. It will do nothing more then make your lungs weaker." :( OH SUCK! No running, sit-ups or push-ups. Nothing. Stay inside as much as possible, eat lots of warm soup. Oh well. Nothing that will kill me.

I can't explain how happy I am that tomorrow is Friday. I love the weekend. Even though I have nothing going on. How depressing. Anyone up for hanging out?

~Sick~

Flyboys and a Test

Today was an alright day. It started at 9 when I got up to get ready for my 10 o'clock Roman Civ class. After that I went to the computer lab to get ready for Biology. Then I came home ate lunch and went to Bio. After that I came home unwound and went out to watch a movie with a friend. Flyboys if you haven't seen it you should it's an awsome movie! It makes me remember that I am just a mortal and that "bullets sound the same in every language." Then I went and finished my test with Allie and now I'm at home. I think I'm getting a cold. Get this I don't wear a coat and walk out side in tee shirts and less, then I start wearing a coat and scarf and I get sick. Someone explain to me how this works? Oh well! I don't know what's going on with my body, I'm so tired all the time anymore. Eh. Life will go on. "This to shall pass."

~Worn out!~

Football Practice

It was so cold today that they canceled school. I still had to go. It was an over all much better day then yesterday. I have to get up and go to Roman Civ tomorrow at 9. I'm so exhausted, but I got new running shoes today so it's good. I'm going to run tomorrow between my classes. That will make my day. Who know's maybe I'll meet someone in the gym.....lol. Who know's. I'm trying to move on with my life and trying to be happy. I love me, and I don't need someone to make me happy.

~Perky~

-9 and Exhausted

So I have decided that tomorrow I'm going to start going to the gym. I'm going to start hard core abuse. 2 miles every day. Sit-up's, push up's. I need to look like I did when I came home. I need to feel like I did. I'm going to drown myself in school, and self abuse. "This to shall pass." I figure it got me through 3 months of training at Bragg. It will get me through this too. I'm exhausted I got 45 minutes of sleep last night. I guess you'll have that when you cry all night long. Oh well, my life will continue. S0 the question is do I want to deploy early? Or do I want to stay here until '08?

~Pondering~

Sticks and Scraped Knees

So again I have fallen over a stick and bruised myself. My knees are bleeding, my hand hurts and I think I have a splinter in the left side of my chest and it might be poking my heart. I think I might volunteer for a deployment. I think I need to get out and get away. What do you all think?

~Disapointed and Crushed~

Propel and a Battle

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I don't know where it's gotten me, but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere. There is a battle waging itself inside of my mind. I don't know why. I'm not sure what I'm trying to work out. I found out that one of my really good friends is pregnant, school is kicking my ass, (well bio is at least), I feel like I'm a bad soldier, and a bad person. I've lost control of my whole life and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm a confident, strong, stubborn, strong willed, beautiful women. I don't need a man to do things for me. I was raised to do them myself and the army has only given me more confidence in the fact that I am just as good as any man. Don't get me wrong, I want to be loved and cared about. I want to wake up next to someone every morning. I want someone who could survive with nothing more then me and a cardboard box. Maybe that's what this is all about. My impending deployment. It seems to me that people are more afraid of me then anything else. I met someone who I really like, and I'm so afraid to push him away, or scare him away. Though it might be to late for that.

~Wishing I knew what was going on with me~