I lost it

I lost my birth control.

~Frustrated!~

OCD

I'm having some issues latley. No there is nothing wrong with me, but I haven't been this happy and in love in so long that I'm really just afraid to let go and let things be and just accept it for what it is. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to ruin things and that's usually what happens. I fuck up or ruin my relationship. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that guys want to have sex with me, they got what they want so then they can add me to the list of girls and make me another "notch on the bed post." I'm sick of being a "notch" I want to be something more. Dylan and I have been hurt in the past and I think we are both just afraid to hurt eachother. Neither one of us wants to hurt the other, which makes us both causious. I think that if he decides to go with me to my sisters that we should talk about all this stuff. I don't want to lose him, he's amazing, but I don't want him to feel like he has to put on a show or hold back from me. He's gotten better about talking to me about what's bothering him. I think we are good together, I love him. He's so amazing to me, he's so good to me. I think we complement eachother well and I think the fact that we have similar life experiences make things easier and hard for both of us. I think that we work well together. I just love him so much. ~In-love~

Completley Nauseous

Have you ever just been comepletly nausiated by yourself? I remember when I came home from the Army I had a hot body. My abs were tight and my legs and shoulders were cut and my arms were muscular. And now I feel flabby and not anything like I did when I came home. I really do feel nausiated by myself. The car accident really put me at a disadvantage. I'm tired all the time and lathargic. Life just sucks!

~Bummed~

One week

So this week has been very interesting. Nothing was what it seemed. To much tension and stress. Anyway, Dylan and I stayed several days at his mom and Scott's house out in Tioga. And then we came home. I haven't slept right in the last couple of days. I took Dylan back to Correy today and I miss him so much. You know, I don't think that I have ever felt this way about anyone. I hate leaving him, it always feels like I'm not going to see him for months or years. He always says, you act like I'm never going to see you again, but that's how it feels. I know that I'll probably see him on Suday or Monday. We are going camping in at his mom's camp. I have to work Friday and Saturday so that will keep me busy until I get home and wait for him to call on Sunday. So I have to tough it through tomorrow and Thursday and then I'll be busy. I also have to find time to go out to Cincinatti to visit my sister maybe the week after next. Who know's? I need to call Dylan or Kris and get the money for my dress.

~Contemplative~

Falling apart?

Have you ever felt completly stressed beyond your means? I mean do you ever feel like someone is pushing you to far and hard and you just don't say anything? I'm starting to feel that way and it's probably because everything is so fast approaching. I'm stressed out of my mind about things and making sure that everything gets done. I'm a list maker and promise your going to get it done type. Don't make me look like an ass because you will be sorry. Dylan keeps telling me that he doesn't want to go because he know's that I'm going to be stressed out about things and he says I'm hard to talk to when I'm stressed and that I bitch. I just feel like I can talk to him and that he listens to me. But obviously he doesn't want to deal with it. So I think maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I don't want to scare him away. Though I'm starting to think that he's getting sick of me. I'm so scared to just be happy because every time I do that I lose the one thing I want most. Though maybe that's something else I just need to suck up and deal with. I don't want him to tell me that I'm hard to talk to or deal with anymore, it makes me feel like I'm a bad girlfriend. He never wants to talk about what's wrong until it's time to go to bed. Maybe I should just get a straw and suck it up. That's probably what I'll do. I'm not going to bitch or complain to anyone I'm just going to get a straw and run or walk away when I feel the need to.

~Losing the War~

Threatened

Let me start by saying that Dylan and I had spent a couple of days together and now I find myself unable to sleep during his absence from my house. (This is nothing unusual) I have found myself thinking about alot of things. The army, Greensburgh, Correy and Titusville, and ex-girlfriends. All things that I'm afraid might screw up my relationship. The rumor is that we are being deployed in January and I don't want to leave him for an 18 month tour of duty, but then again I really don't have any choice. Greensburgh is only temporary and I can come home almost every weekend, minus drill weekend that is. I hate that he lives an hour away, and I guess at that it's not even really an hour is more like 30 minutes. Though it still feels like forever to me. I think the one that has hit me the most is his ex-girlfriend. I don't know why I feel so threatened by her. He doesn't want her back and he has made that perfectly clear to me. After all the hell she put him through, I believe him when he says he will NEVER go back to her. There is just something about her that drives me insane. Anyone who know's me know's that I like everyone until you give me a reason not to, and she didn't have to give me a reason she just pushed some button in me and that's all it took. Then again this raises some outstanding questions I never thought about before.........

~Wondering~