Perfect?

The other day I watched the movie Hannible with some friends. He really ate people. Don't get me wrong I did know that. I understood the whole concept, but he ate people. The movie made me cry no less. But it made me think. People do things because they are learned. Learned habits. Don't you think that maybe you eat the things you do or the way you do because your parents did? Do you say please and thank you? My dad would never eat steak bleeding and I don't either....but my mom does. Taylor eats dog, alright so it was once and it was in another country......but something had to of made him open to the idea. People don't like change by nature. This has proven more and more true. I feel like I get catorgorized with people whom I am far above. Now, don't get me wrong I think I'm better then no one. But I'm not a bad person and sometimes I feel like I get charaterized with them. I want nothing more then to save the world. That's all I've ever wanted. To save the whole world. My mom always told me that one person will never make a difference. I got into a fight the other night and while it made me realize that words are just words. I will never save the world. Sean's right. I'm mad that there is no cure for cancer because it wasn't there when I needed it. There was no cure for SMA, when I needed it. Why do I continuosly run into instances where I fail? I met a guy and I'm waiting for the catch. Even though there isn't one. I don't think I've ever asked for much in life but what I do ask for I never get. And maybe that's my hang up. Maybe this battle isn't the world agianst me. Maybe it me against me.

~Pondering~

Abuse

I've decided that I'm going to dedicate my time to abusing my body. I might as well look better if no one wants me. Its not like I'm going on dates. So I'm going to make myself look better and I'll feel better. I ran 2 miles tonight and I feel great. I think I might shoot to break the 4 minute mile. Why not right? I have nothing better to do with my time. Go out with my friends and abuse my body. Sounds like a plan to me.

~Unsure of the World~

Biology

Some thing never change. Some people never change, and yet the world still revolves. Nothing seems to make it stop. It forever seems to go on and on. While sometimes it gets so old, sometimes I wonder what would happen if the world stopped. Where would I be? Where would any of you be? I feel like my world is slowing down, but my life is speeding up. I feel like my life has turned into the hurry up and waits of the Army. While I love the Army, I don't love that. I feel like I wait around a lot anymore, but I don't know why because I'm never sitting still. I'm either invited to this party or that one, I'm hanging out with Kris and Dylan, I'm in Edinboro with my friends, I'm at school, or Drill. Nothing stands still. I haven't accually been bored the entire time I've been home until this weekend. My life stopped. I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. I realized then that I need a busy, hetic, stressful life style. And maybe that's why I fit into the Army so well. I function better that way. In the words of D.S. Vandzant "Keep your wits about you." and I can. I never used to like me and now, I love myself. People where right when they said guys like confident girls. I wish I could understand, however what I am to do in my current predicament. I want to be with this guy, but he is what it seems to me, is ignoring the situation. There are so many guys out there, I just last night got asked out. I don't want to settle for second. Not that anyone who has asked me out is second, or not good enough. I have my mission and I really don't want to give up until it's completed, but it's seeming to me that it may not be completible. I guess I really need to realize that this rests souly on him. My life just meerly hangs in the balance. So I will continue to wait. However I will not wait forever, however because I to want only to be happy.

~Quizical~

Track pants and spit

I'm so frustrated! I'm so mad I could cry. I don't know what to think and I can't do anything. I feel like a yo-yo. I wish someone would just tell me what the hell is going on. I hate this. RRRRRRRRRRRRRR.......I can't sleep I'm so frustrated! What does that tell you? Ahhhhhhhhhh. I want to scream and run and yell and cry.

~Lost and Confused~

Lady Bugs and Bears

Did you ever think that you'd met the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You know what I mean? You just know that that's what you want? I did that once. I met a guy in high school who I was so sure I was going to marry. We were going to be together forever. Then he cheated on me. And that all fell apart. Anyway, I met a guy when I got home from the Army. I was at a party with a bunch of friends, he and his friend showed up and I'm not going to lie I was amazed. He was fucken hott. My first thought. Did you ever feel like giving up would be so much easier then falling in love agian? The thing is is that he's afraid of a knock on the door. The Army, my job. I knew that this might be a problem, but I didn't think that I'd scare away an amazing guy. Someone who just get's me. I don't even know what to do at this point. I guess all the more I can do is just wait for someone to tell me something. And to just figure out where to go from there.

~Waiting and Pouting~

Me + Boys =

It seems that no matter what I do I'm destined to end up old and alone. It's almost as though no one wants me. My track record with guys sucks. I'm always the girl on the side and never the girl. I'm going to have to settle for someone who isn't anything I want just so I can get married. I mean really is there anyone out there who meets my "standards" and wants to be with me? I don't know what's so hard about all of that but I guess something must be because I don't have a boyfriend, just a bunch of guys who want to hide their girlfriends from me. IF YOU WANT ME THEN TELL ME! IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME! If you don't then please don't toy with me because I've been hurt enough.

~Confused and Hurt~