A Hair Cut and a Tire Rotation

Basically I feel like someone thinks I'm a liar. I'm a good liar. I don't hide that from people, why should I? Though I think it makes people think that I'm lying all the time. I can be a greedy person, who wants what I want just because I want it. But I can also see your side of it, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to. While I might not like it, I can deal with it. I've had some hard things happen to me in my life. So, while I like long hair, worse things could happen. I want to be believed. Hair means nothing if you don't trust me.

I had a flat tire the other day so today I put on the spare and drove to Cranberry and got new tires. I was so proud of myself. I got all dirty, my hands were black and greesy. I had it all over my face and pants. But I am so proud of myself. :)

~Hurt but Prideful~

Someone else's post.....

I don't believe that abortion is right at all. No one will ever convince me that it is ok to murder someone who can't help themselves. I understand that everyone jumps to say that it should be ok when a women is raped, but what did that baby do to deserve to be killed? I am 19, I've never been pregnant, but if it happened to me, I'd fess up to it. It's my child how could I kill a part of me? What if my child was the next Einstein, or was suppose to find the cure for cancer? I won't take that risk, even as a college freshmen. There are to many women out there who want kids who can't have them.....why would I want to take that opportunity away from someone else?

~Rant~

Happy girl.....

So yesterday was excessivly long. I got up at 7 took my sister to school, came home took a shower, did some homework, went to class, got help with my math, went to some more class. Then I went home had some dinner, then off to PT and then home to do my take home test. (More trouble then it was worth.) I was suppose to have 2 tests yesterday, I totally forgot about the science one until Sunday night, PANIC! I go into science brain literally crammed with info, only for the professor to tell us that his computer "ate" the test so we now have a take home and it's due tomorrow at noon! *Hit's knee's and kiss' floor!* Anyway I went to bed at like 10:30 last night and just passed out. I literally slept where my body fell. I had such an amazing day yesterday. I smiled all day long and nothing was going to get me down!

I just got out of PT, and I'm in the computer lab now trying to get onto the teachers thing so I can post for class, but it's not letting me. Stupid kids.....waiting till the last minute..... :) just kidding.

2 months.......if your anyone you know what that means!

~Smiling~

Survey

Body:
Who was the last person that...

1. You hung out with: Liz
2. Saw you cry: I don't honeslty know
3. Went to the movies with you? I don't remember
4. You went to the mall with? My mommy
5. You went to dinner with? Liz
6. You talked on the phone to? Christopher
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? I hope anyone who says it means it.
8. Made you laugh? My sister

Would you rather:

1. pierce your tongue or nose or belly button? Belly Button
2. Be serious or be funny? Both
3. Drink whole or skim milk? How about 1%?
4. Die in a fire or drown? Drown
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Going to go with the rent's

Do you prefer:

1. Flowers or candy? Flowers
2. Gray or black? Gray
3. Color or Black and white photos? Black and White
4. Lust or love? Love
5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset
6. M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles
7. Staying up late or waking up early? Stay up late
8. Sun or moon? Sun
9. Winter or Fall? Fall
10. Acquaintances or having two best friends? 2 Best Friends
11. Sunny or rainy? Sunny
12. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? Chocolate

Misc:

1. What time is it? 10:16 pm
2. First and middle Name? Susan Theresa
3. Nickname(s): Suz, Suzy (those who like to piss me off call me Sue or Suzy-Q)
4. What is your birth date? 9/3/86
5. What do you want to do right now? Cuddle
6. Where do you want to live? Any where
7. How many kids do you want? As many as I have
8. Do you want to get married? Yes!

Unique:

1. Nervous habit(s): Making the fish face, pacing, chewing my nails, playing with my hair
2. Are you double jointed? No
3. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow? Yes
5. Can you cross your eyes? Yes
6. Do you make your bed daily? Usually

Random:

1. Which shoe goes on first? The right
2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes, only because my mom made me
5. Favorite ice cream: Cookies and Cream
6. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? 3
7. What's your favorite beverage? Anything that's not red or orange
8. Do you cook? Sometimes

In the last month have you...

1. Had a b/f or g/f?: Yes
2. Bought something: Yes
4. Sang: If you call it singing
5. Been hugged: Yes
6. Felt stupid: Yep
9. Danced crazy: Yes
10. Gotten your hair cut: My sister trimmed it
11. Cried: Yes
12. Lied: I'm a pre-major what do you think?

~So me~

Kitty Cat's and Lady Bugs

So for most of today, I've been watching Precious chase the lady bugs and it made me miss running through a field of flowers. I wish this cold weather would go away so the flowers could bloom and the birds could sing. It would be so nice, though that means the seasonal allergies start again. It's a vicious cycle. :)

Wow.......I can't stand hipicrits. Don't do this and don't do that but they turn around and do it themselves. My mom called me A mother F*****ing bitch, so I called her a half wit and she yelled at me. Tell me what about that makes sense? Nothing. She misplaces her car keys, so when I misplaces something she tells me if you put it where it belonged you'd have it. So I did the same to her and she told me to stop being a smart ass. Some people.

I talked to Chris today, made my whole day. :)

~Sleepy~

Optomistic....

I'm not feeling 100% like me, but I'm about a 97 or 98. I can't act like it never happened. I think I would think that there would be something wrong with me, if it didn't get to me every now and then. You know what I mean? I just don't know how to be ok that I got lied to, that I was given false hopes and promises. I went to the cemetary and talked, which is what I think I needed to do, and should have just done yesterday. I screamed and threw my fit and complained about how unfair it is, and I feel so much better now. I'm sick and tired of trying to be the perfect child. I kill myself to get the grades, friends, I'm sick of feeling like I have to walk around with this face and pretend that nothings wrong when all I want to do is cry. I've never been one to just dump my problems on anyone. I will talk, I will listen, I will advise you on things, but I don't want to dump what's on me on you. It seems that everyone has enough of their own problems that listening to me complain about how unfair it is, itsn't fair to them. I'm just being greedy. But it's like I said I feel remarkably better today. I just needed to clean it out and put a new bandaid on it.

I fixed my project for Afro-American history and my bib. I need another first source and then I can turn that back in. I have some math to do that I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I'm not good at word problems at all. This could kill me. And some quizes to send in.

Math just made me a downer. So I'm done with it for now. Maybe someone could help me?

~Positive~

Love?

"Love is patient and kind;

love is not jealous or boastful;

it is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist upon its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrong,

but rejoices at right.

Love bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things."

~ I Cor. 13: 4-8

I have this poster hanging in my room "What is love?" Sometimes when I'm down or I'm frustrated, things are just annoying me I read it and it seems I always find one that I never saw before. This just happened to be it. It's been a very trying day. Now that the tears have subsided, I was so frustrated that I couldn't talk to him. I was so annoyed. It's human nature to falter. (I know I'm not the worlds most religious person, BY ANY MEANS) But I mean come on it's a given. I find myself, in times like these looking to one person, sometimes it's Debbie, sometimes it Jen, sometimes my mom or sister, sometimes my boyfriend. Then I started to think that you don't really have to "love" the person. (Though I find I love everyone, it just depends on my scale where you rank.) I feel like I've been very, jealous and rude. I strive to be patient and understanding. This week, I've focused mostly on me. What I needed and what I needed to do to get through and I still broke apart. (I'm not broken, I just lost a foot hold.) I miss my dad so badly sometimes, that I just have to cry and throw a fit. Then I remember what my mom always told me, "Susan, your just being greedy." She's right. No one should suffer for me, or what I want. "believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I have to believe that what happened, happened for a reason, that I may not know yet, but a reason no less. I have to hope that something good will come of it. And I will have to endure the pain and void it has created for the rest of my life, but we all have our own holes we have to try and patch. Sometimes you have to put a new bandaid on it, after you clean it out, but it will help with the pain. "Wearing a face she in a jar by the door." We all have to wear a "face". We can't wear all our problems on our sleeves. Some just wear their "face" better then others.

~Wearing a face~

Annoying......

Did you ever know someone who just drove you right up the wall? They only talk about them or they just go on and on. I guess some elementary school kids are good examples of this. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm so annoying. I've been feeling tension between people and I couldn't figure out why. Could it be because I'm annoying? Yes, it very well could be. It's been a week of self-realization. Weeks like this I need someone to talk at, instead of to. I find myself talking a lot to myself. Not because people don't want to talk or listen, and if they don't they haven't said anything to me, but because I feel like I'm bothering everyone. I wish I could just throw back a couple of 6-packs and call it a day, but I can't. I was sitting in Dective Fiction today and we finished talking about an author, who's mother, died a slow agonizing death because of cancer. And I instantly flashed back to the summer before my junior year. And it reminded me that my dad wasn't here to see me graduate, or to start college, buy my first car or to as much as it would annoy me, hassle boys. Usually it doesn't get to me. I can smile and walk away from it, but not today. Why does this happen to me? I tried so hard, he was getting better, it was starting to look good. And then the rug got pulled out from under my feet.

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I just want to be held. I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat, I don't want anything but to have someone just hold me while I cry. I feel so alone.

~Silently sobbing~

Physical Therapy

Today was my first day of PT. I got bend and twisted in all kinds of directions. So basically what it comes down to is that my left ham string is tighter then the right which makes my right glute tighter then the left. Meaning that some of my muscles are stronger then others so the stronger ones are pulling on the weaker ones. Yea it's so pleasent. I guess I'm going to do some electro shock therapy, exercises on a ball, cold packs, stretching and a couple of other things that may or may not happen. He seems nice enough. He know's my Grandma, and he likes her so I think he's cool. It was not so cool when he took his thumbs and like ground them into my muscles, then he asks does that hurt? WHAT DO YOU THINK? It's ok though. He just want's to make me better. I go for my first accual therapy session Monday at 6. I don't know how long this is going to take, but I gotta do what is going to make me better. You know?

It's been one of those lazy days. I just wanted to nap all day long. No idea why. So here I sit in my jeans, sweatshirt and earphones. I find myself listening to a lot of music latley. 3 Doors Down, Switchfoot, The Killer's, Kelly Clarkson, Hoobastank. I don't know why but the lyrics seem to talk to me more now then before.

It was one of those days that your hair does exactly what you want it to, your clothes look great and you have a skinny day. :) I love when things collide on the same day. :) I'm back into my not eating. I will eat and eat and eat for a week and then out of nowhere I just don't want to anymore. I hate this stupid battle. Oh well, it could be worse.

Going Down In Flames

3 Doors Down

Don’t tell me what to think

Cause I don’t care this time

Don’t tell me what to believe

Cause you won’t be there

To catch me when I fall

But you’ll hate me when I’m not here at all

Miss me when I’m gone again, yeah

Don’t tell me how life is

Cause I don’t really want to know

Don’t tell me how this game ends

Cause we’ll just see how it goes

Catch me when I fall

Or you’ll need me when I’m not here at all

Miss me when I’m gone again, yeah

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again, yeah

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again, yeah

Now, I’m all the way down here

I’m falling

I’m all the way down here

I’m falling down again

I’m falling down

I’m falling down

I’m falling down

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again,

I’m going down in flames

I’m falling into this again

Now, I’m all the way down here

I’m falling

All the way

All the way down hereI’m falling down again now

I’m falling down

~Climbing Up~

Forever With You

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but
I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Hey, look at us
Man, this doesn't need to be the end
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same (Ever the same)

I have heard this song I don't know how many times on the radio. Well accually I was starting to get annoyed with it, until this week. I told you all earlier that this weekend was one of reflection. This song sums it all up. Honestly. "Just let me hold you while your falling apart." Exactly what I needed someone to do, I needed someone to let me fall apart. I needed someone to let me fall apart. "Just like a someone broken." Yep that was me, I was broken. "You may need me there to carry all your weight." Yep, I needed someone to hold on to me until I could stand up again. I don't think I've given him enough credit. Why anyone would want to pick up someone else's pieces. I feel like I've been so awful to him, I shut myself off, and he still persisted. He can put a smile on my face without trying. He makes me feel special. And I haven't done anything. Part of me wants to say this is why Ken and I ended, but I know it's not the reason, I tried to hard for that to have been it. Even though I've put him through hell, he's still standing next to me. I've never had that. No one has ever defended me, stood up for me, or stood by me. I feel like I've been fighting the world and losing. I feel like I can conqure anything now. I have never been able to just relax and feel safe, in all terms of the word, and I do now. He's been my rock, and my strength. He stood me back up when no one else wanted to, he picked up my pieces and put me back together. *How did I get that lucky?*

~Standing~

In Awe....

"THE TEST OF OUR PROGRESS IS NOT WHETHER WE ADD MORE TO THE ABUNDANCE OF THOSE WHO HAVE MUCH, IT IS WHETHER WE PROVIDE ENOUGH FOR THOSE WHO HAVE TO LITTLE." -Franklin D. Roosevelt.

A lot of things have become clear to me. I need to open my eyes to what is going on around me and become blind to things that have happened in the past. It's amazing how two hours of silence will make you think about things. I have had my up's and down's. But who hasn't? "I want more then just ok."-Switchfoot. When I look at all the things that have happened over the last 5 years, it's hard to not just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Falling in-love, my dad got sick, his death, marching band, senior year, graduation, starting college, breaking up, starting a new relationship. I feel like I'm learning to be me again.

~Contemplative~

Something I read.....

"It is your power to torment the God-cursed slaveholders, that they would be glad to let you go free....But you are a patient people. You act as though you were made for the special use of these devils. You act as though your daughters were born to pamper the lusts of your masters and overseers. And worse that all, you tamely submit, while your lords tear your wives from your embraces, and defile them before your eyes. In the name of God we ask, are you men?....Heaven, as with a voice of thunder, calls on you to arise from the dust. Let your motto be RESISTANCE! RESISTANCE! RESISTANCE! No oppressed people have ever secured their Liberty without resistance." -Henry Highland Garnet, "Address to the Slaves of the United States of America."

You can't tell me that that doesn't move you. Even then women felt helpless. I don't know why I've been on this kick latley. I guess it all goes back to, I'm not a big person. I'm pretty much at the whim of someone else. While that's not a bad thing, if I'm joking around with the person, but the minute it becomes something more what am I suppose to do? I didn't realize how weak I was. It's a scary thought. Does it make me stronger that I recoginze this? Does it make me stronger that I always keep my guard up? (When I'm around people I don't know, or when I'm around big people who I don't know.) I'm not sure that it does. I don't know. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on someone to take care of me. I was raised to believe that I can take care of myself, but latley I'm feeling like I can't. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. At least I'm not living in a fake world where nothing bad can happen to me anymore. That's not how the world really works. If someone who is bigger then me wants to hurt me they will. At least I can recognize who to stay away from. See that leads to my bigger point, is that a good idea? To stay away from people? To cut myself off from people, just because they are bigger then me? My sister is 6'1'', my dad 6'2'' my brother the same. I've been surrounded by big people my entire life, so why do they scare me? I always said that I would never let myself get anywhere near someone who was bigger then me unless they were related. Look at me now.....Chris is 6'5''. Why is it that I'm afraid of big people? People with power? Dr. Atteberry made a good point the other day in class when we were talking about the differences between men and women. We are wired differently. Let's think about this,

Men like:
Power
Strength
Money

Why do they like these things?
Power- come on what man doesn't want to feel like he has complete control over every situation. Weather his girl is involved or not. No man wants to feel threatened.
Strength- the same. No man wants to be looked at as weak. He want's to show off for her, and
make her feel like she's safe with him.
Money- most guys think that buying us lots of presents will buy our affection. So of course money is always nice to have on hand. (Here is a hint, most of us don't care about money, or what it can buy)

I could generalize women, but what would be the point? (and this is my journal.) I guess we both worry about things. I'm going to have to put more time into this thought.

~Unaffected~

For you

Dirty Little Secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

The way she feels inside
(inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny
(deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie
(won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It’s eating me apart
Trace this line back

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Who has to know
Who has to know

Save a Horse

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

(Chorus:)
Cause I saddle up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

Well I don't give a dang about nothing
I'm singing and Bling- Blanging
While the girls are drinking
Long necks down!
And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy
Or my Chevrolet for your Escalade
Or your freak parade
I'm the only John Wayne left in this town

And I saddle up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

(Spoken:)
I'm a thourough-bred
That's what she said
In the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We where flying high
Fining, whine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation
Of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for salvation
All night long
So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of
And we made love

And I saddled up my horse
And I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
On my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

What? What?
Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy
Everybody says
Save a Horse Ride a cowboy.

~Yea~

Ahhhhhh......

It was SO nice to see him again. I haven't been more excited in a long time. I haven't been so calm and collected.

It's been a weekend of self-realization. I wish that I could explain to all of you, just how exactly calm I feel. I guess the best way to describe it is.....I'm free.

~Relaxed~

Long Time Coming

I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH!

~Enough said~

Back Spasms

I met up with a friend that I haven't seen for such a long time tonight. We went and got coffee and french fries and talked for like 5 hours. It was so much fun. Except now I have to pee like every 2 hours. Oh well.

I have been having really bad spasms latley. I'm not sure what is going on. I can feel it tense up and then it lets go and then all of a sudden it's 100 time worse. Short of taking tylenol and wearing a brace there is nothing I can do to make it stop. I can feel the disks slipping sometimes. And that in itself makes me want to die.

T-minus 12 hours and 17 minutes! HURRAY! So freekin pumped. I miss him so much.

I should really try and sleep off these spasms. Peace and love to you all. Oh and I hope you all didn't drink to much green beer.

Something to ponder......*If you drink green beer....is it still green when you throw it up?*

~Pain~

More Quizes

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		9
Quality Time:		7
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

~Hurray~

An interesting day

So today has been one of those days that just makes you laugh your ass off. :) I went to the gym with Debbie, and she worked out while I screwed off. :) I then proceeded to go to class. After class a couple of friends and I stood out in the middle of the road and talked and listened to music. I then walked my friend back in for her test and my two friends in that class convinced me to stay and take the test. Which was hilarious. What makes it even more funny is that the teacher know's me. So I filled in all the blanks and kept the test, it was so much fun! :) I then took Ashley to Wal-Mart and picked up my sister came home and Ashley and I hung out for a while, I went down to my Grandma's house cleaned a little, came home and started working on my project. I need one more first source and I'm done with that part. HURRAY! I just need to figure out what to say during my presentation. Saturday is just one day away! THANK YOU! I'm getting so excited. Watch me forget his present. I'd do it. Come on kids this is me! :) I'm totally excited!

~PUMPED~

Talking

I went to one of my friends house today, I haven't seen her sense Christmas break, she goes to Clarion. So anyway we all just kind of sat around and talked. It was nice to go back to the "good old days." We played a bunch of pool and ate Chinese.

I have a project that I have been putting off. I'm going to get it done tomorrow. I promise. It's not hard it's acually really easy. I have 6 books in my car and I'm going to use some web sites.

Saturday, is 1 day away. :)

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.

I'll shine up the old brown shoes,
put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

Feelin' all alone without a friend,
you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.

Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.

Oh, didn't I,
didn't I,
didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.


~Exhausted~

In Love

I've been thinking a lot about what happened the other day. While I've move past it and it is no longer a huge deal to me, I still feel slightly helpless. I've always been very independent and self motivated. I have never felt like I needed a man to take care of me. But after what happened I feel like I can't take care of myself. Anyone who wanted to take advantage of me would probably have an amazing chance of doing it. And I think that is what scares me most. I read something in a book for one of my classes and it really it home, "What could be worse than making love to someone you didn't want to be with, caught up in a situation that dictated intimacy?" It makes something in me, being a woman, feel for all the women out there who aren't strong enough to walk away. Who feel like they deserve what they got. I was once one of them. I wasn't strong enough, I thought I was in love and that he would never hurt me. I felt that when he yelled at me I deserved it. And then my relationship ended and I saw the real world. I didn't deserve that. I deserved a whole hell of a lot more. I deserve a man, who will respect me, and treat me like a princess. Every women does. It's always been my fantasy that some man will just come and sweep me off my feet and make the world right and I'll live happily ever after. Isn't' that really all we want? To live happily ever after?

Today was surprise day! And let me tell you all I've never had so much fun in my life! I'll have to publish some pictures, but not until after Saturday. :) I'm usually so bad at keeping secrets, but I'm proud of myself, I've held in there! :) It was so good to see Debbie again, she even sat in on my class! :) So strange, almost felt like high school again. We then went to my doctors appointment, I guess I have some kind of something with my L5 S1 which is Greek to me, but everyone else I've talked to seemed to know what that ment. It doesn't appear to be causing me any problems. He thinks I was probably born with it. Anyway, he thinks that I would heal a whole lot faster if I did some PT so I'm going to do some PT. He didn't say how long, he just said that I need to find a place in Titusville and then call so he can send the recommendation. Here is hoping that this is going to help! :) I'm allowed to do whatever I want, unrestricted. So I guess I'll keep living my life and doing what I do and going to PT to fix this. I'll be ok.

This has been the worst week of my life. I really feel like one of my teachers against me. I'm not sure why. I'm staying positive. Nothing is going to break my spirits. This weekend has been a long time coming, and I'm so ready to stop being grouchy. I've reached that phase where I'm just mean to everyone. And I feel bad, but it's one of those things. People withdraw from things, caffeine, sugar, drugs, alcohol. Me I withdraw from people. When I'm in pain, I don't want to take med's and go see the doctor I just want to curl up into a little ball and be held. Trust me kids, I'm trying hard to stay nice, it's just been one of those weeks.

~Positive~

This week

This is going to be a busy week for me. In fact it already has been. I went to bed around 2 am yesterday and got up around 7 and took my sister to school. Around 8:30 I decided to make some food and get ready for class. My mom came down stairs around 9 and told me that she needed me to take her to the doctor. Ok, for those of you who don't know my mom, when the word doctor come out of her mouth she must be dying. You have to drag her kicking and screaming. And two she asked me to take her. My mom hates to let me drive, she always wants to. So I couldn't tell her no. I called and e-mailed my morning professors and headed to Franklin. Talk about a long morning. We made it home around 12:30, just enough time to finish my math, run through my afro-American history and head out the door.

I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep in the last two days. I know, trust me I already know. I'm not eating, or sleeping, I'm really cranky and moody. Please just bear with me? I promise I don't do this intentionally. Chris called and told me to just lay down and close my eyes and try to sleep, so I did and I slept for about an hour. I'm glad I listen to him, no I think it's I'm glad he's usually right. Saturday is only 3 days away. I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE HIM! Saturday is the prize for all this hell. Keeping my eye on the prize.

In good news, tomorrow is Tuesday, which is also surprise day! :) I'm so pumped. Unfortunately I have to go to class tomorrow because we had a test due, so I'll see if Debbie wants to sit in on my class or she can do whatever. But I want credit for my paper so I have to go. I'm just so excited for tomorrow. :) I hope he loves his present.

~EXCITED~

New Mattress

I've had an air mattress for a mattress for a long time. My mom called yesterday to tell me she got me a real mattress. She was sick of the air mattress' getting holes in them or just deflating and causing problems. So I'm awake because my body just isn't used to this mattress. Bah, here is hoping I get used to it fast. I'm really tired. I think I got all of about 5 hours of sleep last night.

I have a project due Friday and I'm going to have a redo done for my other project. I also need to finish my math for tomorrow. I got a test back that I took right before break and I got a miserable score on it. My professor called it I just ran out of time for the last essay and that's what did me in. :( Yea, I guess we all have bad tests. I just remembered about a take home test that I seriously thought was due already. Wow I can tell that this is going to be a seriously stressful week.

I guess I'll work on some homework sense I'm up and can't sleep anyway. Math? Or this test? I think this test. My plan for tomorrow is to get up at 7 take my sister to school, go to the gym and bust my ass and work off some frustration. Go to class, either finish my math or start working on my project. Then go to class and then come home. Or work on school some more......I guess it all just depends on how long I'm going to be up tonight.

~Phasing~

Obviously still awake

I know I know, 5 a.m. There is a lot going on in my head right now. I went over to my friends house, she and her fiance's place, and we hung out for most of the day while he slept. (He works 3rd shift) Well she woke him up for dinner at around 5:30 and and he played with the kids while she and I cleaned up. Anyway, his brother came over later that night and we were "playing" around. You know one would grab your arm and then while you fight back they fight back hard kind of thing. You arn't suppose to get free. Harmless. Nothing wrong with that. Until I the one started to spank me. My instant reaction is to tell him that that is not ok and that my boyfriend would not approve. That should solve any problems. I went back to sitting on the railing minding my own business. Well here he comes again, pushing me off the rail, while his brother is pushing so I don't fall off. When he stops pushing back I go forward because his brother was trying to prevent me from falling. And he hits me again. So again I tell him that's not cool, my friend told him to knock it off, I wasn't ok with that, his brother told him to knock it off. We have all now told him that it's not cool to hit another guys girlfriends butt. (I have told him at the top of my lungs) I'm now starting to get really pissed, but I don't want to leave because I'm having a good time with my friend. So I go up stairs and she follows me we talk, the boys come up and I go right back down the stairs. The game went on for about 20 minutes when he left to get pop and I flat out told my friend and his brother that I was really offended and I would have to tell Chris. When he came back he was like I want to talk to you. So I went down and talked, he appologized and said that he wouldn't do it again, he just got carried away. I told him that he crossed a line even after I told him not to. I told him that you can't just smack people and think that they are going to be ok with it. I tried to fight back, but he just fought me harder. I feel guilty, I feel in the wrong. I asked my friend and his brother if I had done something to provoke it, and that I wanted them to be honest with me. They both said no, and that he had gone WAY to far. They told me that I had told him to knock it off and that he didn't listen, probably because he thought I was kidding. Why is it that when I say no some people don't listen to me? I want to be a good girlfriend, I don't want to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel bad for her because she has to go through this everyday. He thinks that she's just there for his own personal enjoyment. I'm respected for my mind and my opnions, he just wants her for sex. She won't leave him, and that's her decision. I'll stand by whatever she wants. But so help me if he EVER lays another hand on me.......you get the idea.

~Upset~

Suit

He bought a suit........come on kids you all know me, and I can't resist a hot guy in a suit. (Well I can, because if there is a bow tie attached, it's over.) BOW TIES ARE STUPID. I like real ties, clip on's are ok. :) WHY ME?? WHY ME??? (Oh the torture....and suffering........ :) )

~Grins~

Baking and Girl Talk

My friend Kim called and woke me up this afternoon, we talked for awhile and she ended up coming over and we baked some cookies and muffin's and talked. Oh how I miss the simple days when we could all just sit around a lunch table and talk about all our problems. Things that were on our mind or just share secrects. :( I MISS HIGH SCHOOL! Though I don't miss the drama.

In other news Purry (Chubbs) came home today. She is looking so much better. She will need to be medicated twice a day for a week. It's all good, the blood work will all be back by Tuesday. The doctor said if anything that would be a cause for alarm should come up he would call.

I'm so relaxed right now, I'm just sprawled out over my whole bed talking to friends and waiting for Chris to call. Been a good day.

~Reliefe~

Kitty Cat

I took my sister's cat to the vet today. She has a bladder infection and is dehydrated. Poor thing. She is going to have blood work done tomorrow.

I talked to Debbie today. I'm really REALLY REALLY excited about Tuesday. So much hype. But I'm so very excited!!!!! :) You all know that I get excited so easily. :) HURRAY! TUESDAY!!!

Chris and I talked today. It's days like this that make me wonder how my relationship lasted so long before. We can talk about anything and everything. I love that I don't feel like I have to hide anything. I can be myself and be completley open. :) Days like this make me feel so good.

~Emotional high~

Heaven?

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
That's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

Oh, once in your life you find someone
Who will turn you all around
Bring you up when you're feeling down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come around
Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

So many bad memories. I heard this song for the first time in a long time tonight. I instantly just started crying. There are so many bad memories that go along with it, so many broken promises. I can usually work through it. Like when they played Immortal at my nieces funeral. I couldn't listen to it for awhile, but eventually I stopped crying everytime I heard it. And now I can listen to it, it makes me think of her, but I don't cry. For some reason this song can't be worked through. A broken promise to my Father. I know your all thinking he's gone, so what? A promise on his death bed. How do you work through that?

~Unsure~

American Idol

Today has been the most eventful of all of the days of Spring break. I went and played tennis with a friend from high school today and we hung out for awhile and then I came home. I used muscles that I forgot exsisted. It's been so long sense I've played. I wasn't home for very long before I was out the door again. I just got home around 8:30. Yea for things to do. I'm picking Josie up tomorrow. So that will take up some of the day. I'm not sure what I'm doing Friday or this weekend. So if you want to do something leave me a message or call or do something! :) I'm all about hanging out! :)

I bought part of Chris' present today. (A part that can't be made) The rest is going to be made by Debbie and I! SO PUMPED!

I watched American Idol last night and I didn't really like the girls. I liked the last two that performed. A lot of them were off key, sharp, flat, or it just wasn't a good song for them. I missed most of the guys tonight, they were good from what I saw. I didn't like number 7 just because I don't like the song. He's a great vocalist. The song has a lot of bad memories. I'll watch the little snippets................................they were good for the most part.

~Excited~

Fallen Through

My plans for the week fell through and my plans for the weekend have also fallen through. I'm really disapointed. Life will go on. There is always hope for next weekend. I guess I've gone from looking forward to this weekend to looking forward to Tuesday. Debbie and I are going to make Chris' suprise. (I almost slipped up and said what it was, glad I caught myself) I guess if I go next weekend I can give it to him myself, much better then sending it. Though I don't know if I should, he has tests. Weighing the pro's and con's. I'm getting to the stage where I'm getting used to not seeing him, don't get me wrong I still miss him. I guess what's one more week?

I've been feeling very complacent latley. Could have something to do with the fact that I've had nothing to do. I'll be glad to get back to school. It will give me something to do. I should probably work on my project that's due next friday. And revise my project for a better grade. That will give me something to do. I just don't feel like it, that's the lazy college kid coming out in me. :) I'll do it scouts honor.

Danny is sitting here acting like he doesn't know how to do his homework, that's getting old. I know he know's what sounds this letter makes and that one. I know he can read better then he is letting on. He likes people to pay attention. So this is how he does it. I don't know or I don't remember. My answer is help him the first couple of times and then make him think about it and do it himself. He's not stupid, he just acts like it sometimes. That get's old fast.

I cant' wait for my mom to get home. Will give me someone to talk to, I've been here alone all day. I need to talk to her about next weekend. I know she has to work, but I can't remember if she has to go to Pittsburgh for a confernce or not. I guess all of this will depend on if I can go or not. I really want to. I need to get out of here for awhile and do something. The key is to find someone to do something with. I'm not sure I'm going to find anyone. I've made several phone calls and no one is around or answering there phone. I want to get out of this house for a couple of hours.

~Thinking~

Moved out

I got the rest of my stuff from my old appartment. It's all put away in my house.

I napped for 2 hours today. I needed that, I'm not completly sure what is going on with my body. Though I do have a good guess. I feel so big today. BLAH!

Today I have to admit that I wish Chris was coming back sooner. I had a really bad dream last night that I met his best friend and he hated me, like he said I was an awful person and just a lot of really mean things. (We all three were in Pittsburgh) So Chris told me that I had to leave. He was like "he does't like you so oh well." You know it was like one of those it was nice knowing you things. But it was so real. You one of those dreams where your not sure if you are dreaming or if it's accually happening. I hate those.

~Shaken~

Broken Promises

I know all of you who know me are going why are you not sleeping? Well, it is spring break so no worries about classes kids. No worries. I find that this is the only way to empty my head sometimes. And by that I mean when it's to late to call anyone to talk. Like right now. I'm having a hard time dealing with a promise that was made, over 3 years ago. I had a guy promise my father that he would take care of me, that he would never let anything happen to me. I don't care that he wants nothing to do with me. He was my father, I feel like I've let him down. I've always been "if you say it do it." I hate promises. I don't hate promises, I hate broken promises. I've had my heart broken. I was promised that would never happen.

Part of me hates me. I'm so completley crazy about Chris. He's perfect, or as close to it as you can get. Part of me is afraid to let him through the "brick wall," but the other part of me says that he won't hurt me. There isn't going to be a "yo-yo" game going on. I let him in and he hurts me, then I get over it and let him close again and he hurts me. There isn't going to be any of that. There hasn't been any of that. I trust him, I have no reason not to. He hasn't done anything that would make me believe other-wise. (So I just worked my way through that problem) I hate that he has to pick up my pieces, and put me back together. How do I describe what he does for me? He doesn't have to say anything to make me laugh or smile. (I know, it drives him nuts too) The little things, I guess the only way I can figure it out is that he pays attention to the little things. I've always thought the little things were always more important than spending ton's o' money. A card or roses? A card. A present or a hug? A hug. Make me see that you care, don't spend ton's o' money. *RAMBLING*

I think I've emptied my head out. I'm really tired, night kids.

~SLEEPING~

Suprise

My mom took me to Erie today, yea! Kept me busy today. Though I must say that it didn't really keep Chris off my mind. I swear I saw well over 100 license plates from New York. I counted 88 but that's not counting the ones from the morning that I saw. I got some new shirts from Steve and Barry's. They are about lawyers. :) Yea making fun of myself! :) Plus my mom got me a new phone cover. :) I'm so tired and my whole body hurts. Yea it's that time. :( I'm so tired and I've eaten so much candy today. Though I know why now. I just want to be held.

~cold and tired~

Pitty Pizza

So today was probably the slowest and most boring day ever. I found out that one of my friends moved out of her house. She wanted to spend the night at her fiance's house and her mom said no (keep in mind she already has one baby) and her mom told her that she could either come home or move out, but she had to follow the rules. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that. This friend has alway pushed the rules. So her mom was inforcing them. Oh well, I guess people have to learn the hard way sometimes.

So I did almost nothing today. My mom ordered me pizza because I was so miserable. *hint, pizza fixes everything for me* Don't know why, but it does. So I'm in a much improved mood sense then, I cleaned up. *gave me something to do* Wrote out a check for my credit card bill. I'm really proud of myself. I'm building credit and doing it the right way. Now I'm listening to music and talking to Deb.

~Happier~

He Signed On......

Debbie you know what that means. :)

It's been a pretty productive day. I went to school, took a Detective Fiction test that I forgot about but think I did just fine. Had no Environmental Sciences and then got out of Afro-American history early, and then to math. So over all it was a good day. I talked to Allie today that was a total blast. I really like her. :) In other news today is the first day of spring break, Chris has gone home, he's coming back next Saturday, I'm going to go see him! :) SO EXCITED! (*I fell asleep while working on this*) He promised to come here soon! :) SO EXCITED.....AGAIN!

In other news: today (being Saturday) feels like Wednesday. This is going to be a long week. And just so you all have fair and optimal warning, I'm miserable, which mean's I'm cranky. You've all been through this drill. I'll try and control myself. You do your deal and I'll do mine! :) I love you all for dealing with me! :)

I fell asleep at around 11:30 last night. I guess sleeping is going to be good for me. I haven't been sleeping well latey. Lot's of things bouncing in my head. Well, not a lot of things, just things I don't have any control over. Some people have to do things, and some people are just stupid.

~Miserable~

You Should Go

SCALLOPED POTATOES AND HAM BENEFIT DINNER FOR JEREMY FRAZZINI

SATURDAY, MARCH 4th
CENTERVILLE FIREHALLSERVING: 5PM-?
DINNER CONSISTS OF: HAM, SCALLOPED POTATOES, VEGETABLE, APPLESAUCE, ROLL, DESSERT, AND BEVERAGEPRICES: ADULT-$6.50, CHILDREN(6-12)-$4.50, 5 AND UNDER FREE
CARRYOUTS AVAILABLE
SPONSORED BY: FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND CENTERVILLE V.F.D.JEREMY WAS INVOLVED IN A CAR/PEDESTRIAN ACCIDENT IN HYDETOWN ON FRIDAY, JANUARY 13th

~Sad~

Freezing Rain And A 2 Hour Delay

So for the frist time in a while the weather channel has been right. Never believe the weather man until you see it. Well I've been seeing it. It's freezing rain, snowing and semi-haling. My mom says it's lightening and thundering in Seneca. So in all my smart wisdom, I've decided that I'm going to stay home. I talked to my mom and she said that was probably smart, I have to pick my little brother and sister up after school. Which I'm not thrilled about but I'll be alright, it's right up the street. This 2 hour delay? TITUSVILLE HIGH SCHOOL HAD A 2 HOUR DELAY! If they can have one I can miss class! :) Just kidding. In all seriousness you all know that that never happens!

I'm still on the emotional high, I got an A on my math test! And all day I just wanted to tell Chris. I missed his call, I was on my way home, so I called him back when I got the message. He was busy so he didn't get a chance to call me back. So I sent him a message on AIM and I was like "I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING" so he called me. :) He was the only person I wanted to tell all day and you all know me when I get excited I can only wait so long before I can't wait anymore. :)

I recently read something in one of my friends profile (I put it in mine, because it's true)
Life is not about the number of breaths you take, it's about the moments that take your breath away. It's right. I can think of several that have taken my breath away in the last several months. :)

~Excited~

Math

I GOT A FREEKIN 90% ON MY MATH TEST! :)

~PROUD~

Chili

So the doctor's office called after I had my x-ray's done. I was told they wouldn't call. I'd talk to the doctor in two weeks when I go back for a follow up. My first instinct is that it's probably nothing, but in the back of my mind I can only remember the day that my dad went in for some simple x-rays and they then called him back and he had to go to the hospital because he had cancer. I don't think I jumped into any conclusions but I can't say that the thought didn't cross my mind. My mom checked my x-rays for me, and she said that they look ok. Big reliefe off my chest.

We talked about a couple of posts that I posted in class today. I feel like one person in our class has closed their minds to mine and several other people's opnions. All I have to say is bring it on, because I will not back down from my beliefes. Age doesn't change your mind, experience does.

I took a friend to the mall yesterday to pick up his engagment ring. I feel good that I could help him out and give him a ride, but at the same time I feel like I did in high school. The last one. I'm the (second) youngest of my core group of friends. I was one of the last to get my permit, then my license. I was one of the last to start dating. I was one of the last to concider any life changing events. (whatever they may be) And I feel like I'm going to be the last one to get married. Worst thing that could happen? I think not. Life goes on. I just hate having it flaunted in my face. Kim is moving in with Lee, Sarah and Andy live together, Ashleigh and Erik have been together forever. There are more then that, I just don't want to list them all. My previous relationship ended, and it's good that it did. I'm now so much happier. I smile every day, I just hate having engagment rings and wedding dresses shoved in my face. I'll talk it out with you. I'll be involved, but don't shove it in my face all the time. Not saying that you all shove it at the same time, or that because I named you you have been or have shoved at all. I want what you people have, right now is just not my time, I guess.

~Clear~