Hell in a Hand Basket

I CAN'T SLEEP! Yet again, I am up till 2 if not later trying to sleep. Except for I have to get up at 8:30. IT SUCKS! College is stressing me out. I'm not scared. Not by any means. The first day has be a little rattled. It feels so different that I don't have to be at school at 7:55. I don't have to be there until 10.

I feel so useless. I don't feel like I can do anything. I was at band camp today, I was trying to be helpful. I was trying to do something. Setting drill, helping the kids, showing them how to do things. But Pat's right. I have no right to be there. To help them, to tell them what to do or how to do it. I haven't changed anyone's life. I haven't helped anyone. I have never made anyone stop and think about what they did or said. I have never been able to touch anyone. I'm not like my sister, who makes people laugh, who people ask to go out and have a good time. I know I'm more serious and up tight. But if you had to give your father morphine shots and pain patches, watch "episodes" and last breaths wouldn't you be too? I've never wanted anything more then to help people. To make people feel like they can trust me. Friends who used to talk to me, don't anymore. I have become a failure. I have nothing. I know I shut my self up at home while my dad was sick. I know that's my own fault. But someone had to do it. It seems like sense then no one has wanted to have anything to do with me. My boyfriend is going back to school next Tuesday. My life has gone to hell. I wish I knew what to do.