Makalia

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005, at the age of 6 my neice Makalia died at 4:17 p.m. after an extended illness. It's hard to look at her chair and her room, to see pictures. In fact I wonder if I even want to have kids. I know that I don't have the SMA (spinal muscular attrophie) gene. The gene or not, do I want to risk losing my own son or daughter? Could I? I don't think I would be able to deal with it. I've had a hard enough time dealing with losing her. I look at the pictures and hope to hear her call me. I know that her wheel chair is sitting in her room. Her little shoes sitting on the foot rest. I wish I could have done something more. I wish I could have done more with her. I wish I could have been there more and seen her more. But I guess it's to late for the I wish, I want, I could haves. It's time to just think about what I did do, what time we had together. All the long walks to the bus station and then waiting for her to get on the bus, getting her chair all strapped down. I guess I don't want to think or feel anything right now. I just want to hold my dasies and go to bed.