Numb

Well, let's see I lost my copy of Early Autumn don't I feel smart? Second book I've lost this semester. Though I did find the other one. My professor has an extra copy, LUCKY ME! It's been kind of a long and blah day. I slept so well last night on my new air mattress but my back is giving me all kinds of fits because I've been bouncing back and forth between sleeping on a flat mattress and then on a floor and then back to the flat mattress. I should have just slept on the floor in my room and it would all be good. Oh well I shall live.

I feel so empty this week. There is so much going on in my head, but I don't know where to empty it. It's stuff that I really don't want to tell anyone, but I feel like I need to talk to someone or it will never get better. I guess I'll wait for awhile and see if I can work it out myself. I went out to the cemetery yesterday, something that I've been meaning to do. The shot glass is still standing. Which made me feel better. I didn't do a whole lot of talking, but I did some and that made the day end a little easier.

I know your all thinking, well then warm the hell up, I don't mean numb like cold numb I mean like I can't feel. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and as the day has progressed I've slowly gone numb. I'm trying to teach myself to live one day at a time, instead of weeks or months in advance. I'm trying to teach myself that it's ok to be unsure. Instead of having to have a definate answer all the time. Am I good enough? My sister had a bunch of friends over yesterday, some mutual between us, some just her's, and I always feel like I have to try to impress all of them when they are together because I'm not "cool" like my sister. She thinks that everyone likes me, because I had good grades and the "perfect" friends and did after school activities. It seems to me that some people only talk to me when other's arn't looking. I once had a mutual friend, of my sister and I, tell me that it was difficult to be friends with both of us. My senior year it seemed that all my friends, who were my friends from elementary and middle school wanted nothing to do with me unless my sister was involved. Emily would tell me that this person said that about me. Or that they think I'm stuck up and a bitch. I eventually just decided to let her do her own thing and I would just let my mom yell at me so I didn't have to get it from all my friends and my mom and sister. The one guy who is suppose to be my best friend in the whole world, doesn't really talk to me anymore. Hell let's just be honest no one really talks to me anymore. Debbie. Of all the people I know from High School she's the only one who talks to me on a regular basis. We have time scheduled in for eachother. I think people are cool with me until they get to know me. It's one of those curl up in a dark hole and die kind of days. I know that I'm making some friends at school. How long is that going to last? I'm going to Transfer and I'll never see them again. I feel like I have two people who I can talk to, Debbie and Chris. I feel so alone. People used to call me to watch movies or to hang out, now they just call for Emily and I don't want to impose on them because then they act differently. Emily doesn't like it when I go anyway, because she always thinks I'm going to tell on her. I guess just keeping my mouth shut when everyone else is around is the way to go. I don't want to open my mouth and continuously be called the idot, or stupid anymore.

~Alone~