I was watching it tonight. (Gray's Anatomy) When I stayed with Kris we watched all of season 1, and tonights episodes hit me hard. The episodes were about Gray and how she how drowned. The main plot line was all about trying to save her life. They wouldn't give up, they stayed positive and right before the show ended they brought her back, no brain damage. You know it made me think about my dad. What if we had found it a little sooner? What if they had given him a good kidney to help? What if they hadn't pumped his body full of cancer? (Radiation) What if he fought harder? Sometimes I think it's ok. And I still think that if I wait up late enough I'm going to hear the truck pull in the driveway and him slam the door. He'll ask me to make him some coffee and grahmcrackers with peanut butter. He'll yell at the cat and then tease her because he's on the heater and she'll just bite his foot. I want to hear him yell at me, call me by the wrong name and ask me when my birthday is. (Even though it is only 10 days before his) Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if he would have gone to the hospital. Or if we could have stopped the bleeding in his brain. I know your all thinking why don't you ever talk about this? Why did you never bring it up? You always say its ok. I know I do. But do you all want to know the truth, I blame myself. I can't be mad at my dad. But I can hate me. I should have tired harder. I like to pretend that I'm going places and doing great things with my life. But that sad truth is, I won't do any more then anyone else. I will always just be average.
~Empty~
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Dear Friend,
The hurt is great I know.But you can't blame yourself for the things that happen in life, which we have no control over.You and he fought the good fight.Sometimes the memories surface and all you can do is bear the pain and questions that accompany them.I assure you there is nothing you can do to change what has happened.Would your father want you to beat yourself up over this though? Something tells me he wouldn't.He would want to see you happy and enjoying your life, not being consumed by circumstances and past events for which you could not do anything more then you did.Enjoy those memories, such as the one about your birthday, that make you smile and use them to cary you through the hard and darkened times in life.My heart goes out to you.To lose someone so close while you are still so young can only make life seem near unbearable.But rest assured that you are not alone.Your father lives inside of you.Those memories are a refuge; a secret place where only you and he can go in the times when you need him the most, or just want to see his face and hear his voice.The dreams that are written upon your heart shall be fulfilled.If it is in your heart to change the world, then it shall come to pass.God bless you my friend. Adieu.
J.
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